elle est destiné

i'm insanely fickle, but you knew that.

2010-06-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

alas, i am incredibly fickle, and i am not feelign inspired here anymore, i am moving my personal blog to sharing is caring.

i may be back, i may not, but know the journey together is what's really important.

when there's nothing left to burn, you've got to set yourself on fire.

2010-05-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

I've been so crazy swamped that I haven't had a chance to post. Let's update on whats happening now:

I've started dating this guy, Mark, and while it's a new thing, he's great. I haven't been in a relationship in years and frankly wasn't looking or interested in a relationship, but Mark blindsided me-- something he does often, I like it, it keeps me on my toes.

I am taking a semester off to recharge and save up for moving out and on. Wherever my life takes me next I'm going to need to be prepared so that's what this semester off will be for. I've spent enough time in limbo and frankly I'm ready for the rest of the adventure.

I'm working on writing more, I've seriously been slacking and I'm tired of it haha. If I don't push myself I won't accomplish anything, and that doesn't work for me. I'm posting all of my works to this blog

Letter to Puberty.

2010-02-28T10:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Puberty,

I'm a h u g e fan of your work in guys; you know, the deep voices, the
increase in testosterone, the muscles-- all of it. But I've noticed lately something you've been neglecting....height. What happened to this "growth spurt" guys get? I find myself being obscenely taller than some guys, and its become bad enough where we need to address it. Please get your shit together and work on my absolute favorite part of your work-- tall guys. Thanks so much, I look forward to your reply.

--T
p.s. I understand this trend of manscaping isn't your idea either, but if you could let guys know that I don't want to sleep with a woman otherwise I would, and it's alright to keep some hair that'd be great.

"Self esteem is esteem of your muthaf*cken self."

2010-02-11T17:23:00.001-08:00

Don't let anyone tell you you're not amazing. That you're not an
absolute catch. And especially don't let anyone, especially you, rain on
your parade. Self-esteem is important to every person, but like the first part of it is the truest part-- its your self.

What someone says may make you think you're not as great as you are, but hell it's up to you how much you let petty things that people say affect you.

2010

2010-01-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

Dear 2010,

I know that our initial meeting was a bit strained-- I was cursing at the sun through the closed blinds and begging Lady Gaga for a refund on you. But I digress.

I'm writing you to let you know that you will soon be my bitch. Yes, it's true. This year I am going to get my ass in gear, and go H A R D. I'm sure you had plans for me, but I really don't care.

You may have had some romance lined up, but you can save it. I won't have time nor the desire to be courted or wooed. And honestly, I don't have much faith in your taste-- the people you've tried to surround me with so far are not the business. And frankly, 2009 ended on a high note in the guy department and I'd like to let sleeping dogs lie frankly.

Sex is always on the menu as far as I'm concerned but I really don't think I'm going to be having too much of it this year. I know I know, this isn't at all what you were expecting from me, based off what you heard from years past, but this is a new era. Get in line.

My hustle is going to be top shelf this year, so I cannot have you trying to distract, or detour me k? I thought I should write you while we're still getting to know each other and just let you know how this year is going to go down.

Yours truly,
T.

p.s. no. you may not dreg up exes or curveballs.

Why do you insist on breaking my heart?

2009-09-27T11:14:00.001-07:00

Another fun filled morning with Mother, complete with more words designed to tear me down.

It has worked. Now stop.

I'm losing my shimmer.

2009-09-25T19:29:00.001-07:00

I feel like less of Therese. Like all my personality and laughter and love and just overall shimmer is dimmed. I'm worried and stressed.

I hope I don't lose myself completely.

Compulsively obsessive.

2009-08-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am on another one of my manic bursts again; I've been writing adn reading with a furvor I haven't had in a while. I'm not worried or upset about it, quite the opposite, I'm overjoyed at my new obsession with one of my loves. I really hope to apply this new burst of creative enthusiasm to my other arts-- and to academics, I guess.

I've been looking into fine art schools abroad and in other states, I've got my heart set on a few places, and a friend suggested to me a school I've never considered. Julliard. I don't know why I've never considered it as an option, I'm a triple threat and then some; I suppose I've always just assumed taht while I'm good at all of them, there will always be someone better.

That's not going to be my thinking anymore; if I don't deserve it, they'll be hard pressed to find someone better. I'm gonna knock everything I do out of the park. Watch me.

This is the first week of my life.

2009-07-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've turned a new leaf. I'm determined, driven and focused now. Eyes on the prize. Which is good because I'm done with bad decisions and worse company.

I've got so many things to do, and not much time to do them. At least not if I intend to take over the world before I'm 35.

Let's get this show on the road shall we?

Tonight and the rest of my life...

2009-07-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

...I'm gonna love me more than I love someone else.
...I'm going to do what I need before I consider what someone else wants.
...I'm going to be the baddest bitch I can.
...I'm going to write more often, even if it's just flow of consciousness drivel.
...I'm never going to sell myself short.
...I'm never going to settle.
...I'm going to stick to my guns.
...I won't give in.

...is mine, and I'm doing it right.

I'll have you know

2009-06-09T21:49:00.001-07:00

I've grown in all of this. This heartbreak and whatevership nonsense I've put myself through. I've learned all kinds of things.

I've learned what I want and don't want in a boyfriend. I've learned that I am exactly as feminine, sexy, and loveable as I want to be. I've learned that there is such a thing as a person who cares about you enough to know what you want before you want it.

I've also learned that in the event of heartbreak, I've got the best support network anyone could ever ask for. I've learned that hopes and prayers aren't always enough. I've learned that sometimes we just need to let go and let God.

I've learned that it's ok to be afraid to love, but it's not ok to let that hold me back. I've learned that someone not loving you back in the way you want them to isn't the end of your life, it's just a temporary road block-- once you're done letting it define you, it'll dissipate.

I've learned it's okay to wallow, but only for a little bit. I've learned that when you want to cry and scream, to ask your best friend to do it with you, she has stuff to unleash too.

Finally, I've learned that I love him, and I love him for teaching me just how much I love myself and how right I am to do so. Thank you for that, if I can ever repay the favor, please let me know.

Breaking my own heart.

2009-06-09T21:38:00.001-07:00

It just doesn't get any easier. No matter what vague advice or psuedo-fortune cookie like bullshit I feed myself. I can blame timing, hormones, and fucking Nicholas Sparks for all I want, but it won't change the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm hurting. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm a million and a half things, all just boiling over under the air tight lid of my facade. But in truth, I'm crushed. I don't know how long this will hurt-- there's never been a formula for it. And it certainly doesn't help that the guy, who stomped on my heart, wasn't even a boyfriend when he did it.

No, I'm practically obliterated over someone who I wasn't important enough to to get him to commit. That's a stupid mistake on my part, and I'll accept my part of the blame there. I'm a fool who hoped that this...this, whatever "this" is, would be something to change my life. And for a time it was.

He changed my outlook, my self esteem and my aversion to intimacy. I won't hold it against him-- my good riddance list for him isn't a great thing any how. I'd like to look back fondly, and wish him well. Not a single part of me wants to wish him ill, on the contrary, I hope and pray he finds a woman who he cannot live without, a woman who will appreciate everything he has to offer. I hope he and this woman life happily ever after.

He's a fantastic guy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel feminine, he never allowed me to think less of myself. He is the third love of my life. I believe in "one person for everyone", but I'm a realist. A single person changes, or should change, over the course of their life, so wouldn't it make sense that what their "soulmate" would entail change with them?

I've changed, and for a time he fits in the LOML position. I didn't, don't and probably won't fit into his, but that's not a requirement for it. I loved and gave whole heartedly...I did everything I could do. Everything I would've wanted done for me.

I love you, but I can't keep breaking my own heart. If I ever fit into the LOML position for you, let me know. Who knows, maybe in the future after you've grown, we'll be what each other is looking for. I wish you laughter, love and a long life.

There comes a time when you've got to be your own catalyst.

2009-04-30T08:47:00.001-07:00

This is my time, I've realized that I am screwing myself over. I know that I am capable of amazing things, but if I keep these shenanigans up I may never get there-- and that just won't do.

This is me taking my stand against myself; it's time to get your ass in gear.

It's been hard.

2009-04-08T21:08:00.001-07:00

I literally feel like I've dug a big hole and am now sitting in it, looking up at the sky as it moves, hearing people talk and laugh as they pass by my little fort, and little by little my hole starts to feel more and more like a grave.

It's all falling to hell and I really feel like this is only the beginning of the craziness my life is going to become.

I can't believe it...

2009-03-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've actually done it. I've finished my one-act version of my play. I didn't think I could do it. Even though we cast people and have started rehearsals I didn't know if I'd have it in me to finish. But I have!

Not only that, but I'm planning to extend it to a full length play!!! It was hard to write this much, but I feel that to do my life justice, I've got to do it full out. It'll be a challenge but I think that I've gone more than halfway and truly no one can take this away from me.

Watch out world, here marks the beginning of the rise of my empire.

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

2009-03-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!

I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.

I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!

saboteur.

2009-03-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.

I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.

I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.

Misguided help.

2009-03-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

My mother insists on us being home to "spend time with the family" on weekends, etc, but all we end up doing is sitting in different rooms, watching different movies, not speaking to each other. So it's pretty much like she'd never even notice me not being here, but she won't let me do anything else.

I'm sure it makes her feel better with all of us being here at once, but doesn't she realize that it makes me resent spending time here, therefore leading to me spending all my time AWAY from here?

I love her and I love hanging out with my brothers but shit, when I'm forced to I loathe every minute of it.

If you haunt me, I'll sing for you.

2009-03-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

Life has been pretty crazy lately, I was gone for most of a week in Weatherford for a theatre festival. I had been getting this feeling that there's something off about my house for a while before hand, but when I got back it was almost palpable.

There's a presence in my house that, with some discerning and communication, I am confident to say is a the ghost of a young boy named Jonathan Carrol. He tends to be mostly playful and a bit of a joker, but sometimes he can get withdrawn and angry.

I am trying to get to know him more, but with my stress from my life, he doesn't come out often. I like the idea of something from the other side chatting with me, it makes my life feel less mundane.

Stay tuned.

Take it or leave it.

2009-02-25T12:57:00.001-08:00

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

TCCSTA.♥

2009-02-23T18:11:00.000-08:00

TCCSTA [[Texas Community College Speech and Theatre Association]] play festival this year was FANTASTIC. I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing, and seeing shows, and just the camaraderie we form with other actors always astounds me. Our school receieved an "Excellence" and I got a "Superior" for my acting!

Sure there were some tiffs within our own sanctions, but that just makes the new friendships formed that much more important! haha I'm sad I can't compete next year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be at Tomball then either so eh. Only time will tell and if I am I'll add it to my list of life lessons and experiences gathered and keep trucking.

Memory.

2009-02-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

Human memory is a tenuous thing; a sound, a smell, a song can all transport you back to the moment you identify that trigger with. Sometimes its a good memory, and you smile at the thought of it, but when its a bad memory, its like a bad taste in your mouth, you can't go back to the way you felt before the memory. It lingers all day, at the edge of your thoughts, and try as you might you can't quite shake the funk.

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" struck a chord within me because I have memories I wish I could just delete all together, and go on with my life none the wiser-- ignorance is bliss, bliss I wish I could partake of just this once. But that's not the hand I've been dealt in life, so I'm going to try to stop complaining about it, but days like this I just wish I could put the memories in a box and toss the box in the back of my closet, to worry about another day.

Who said answers don't fall into your lap?

2009-02-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with some demons lately, and the forefront of my stress is that I am utterly terrified of falling back into old "habits". At rehearsal I, quite literally, had a sign fall into my lap. It was something I wrote about a year ago:

"To tell you the truth, I don't know when it all started. The restlessness, the unhappiness. One day I woke up and found that my life was no longer enough to hold my interests. That's a bad sign. when you yourself cannot convince yourself that you are interesting or worthwhile. I never wanted pity or to drag someone else down with me into my own personal private hell-- so I internalized. There is a reason one shouldn't internalize. It comes back-- nothing will stop something from coming out if it wants nothing but to be seen or heard.

So I took to writing, to funnel a jarred and twisted, albeit innocent, childhood, a frustrated and rocky adolescence, and an awkward adulthood into imaginary people. To take my shortcomings, rises and falls, and memories and give them to someone else. It helped immensely. Its amazing and I love it, the freedom that comes with anonymity. I could be anyone, do anything, and no one would judge me or call me ridiculous because it was fiction. A work of my mind and my heart. With my writing I could take the bad moments and feed it into a poor soul, and then lead them to a world of wonders where the would face their demons and win. Conquering the world, and living happily ever after. But it has become my undoing, I am envious of people that don't exist, of people that I created. I found refuge from my darker days but created a new realm of evil and self directed rage.

Pretending that I am fine-- pretending I was as normal as everyone else, as normal as everyone else wanted me to be-- was easy for a time, but all good things come to an end. It began to irk me that I couldn't embrace myself-- it's not to say that I didn't show others my true self, it was that I couldn't personally reconcile who I have become with who I was. I can't draw a line differentiating the two, nor can I see how it is so easy for others. People are generally harder on themselves, and I am no different. But I cannot seem to forgive myself for things I had no control over.

It's the victim mentality that most battered children fall into, and the remaining problms that arise differ person to person. I myself have a martyr complex, and a self destructive streak. I tend to sabotage myself, and overload myself-- pretty much to punish myself, to ensure that even in happiness I'm setting myself up to fail sooner or later. That's one of my problems. I'm punishing myself for something I had nor will I ever have control over. I can't change the past, and I can't make myself forget. Though I desperately wish I could. That's what we all wish, to not own these memories anymore; to be able to take back our innocense. To be able to be free.

And now I'm scarred from it. I can't have normal, functioning relationships, even the idea of letting someone in seems dangerous. No matter how happy we are, how flawless we are, I can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. Trust is given too freely, too willingly from me, because I want to be proven wrong-- that there ARE people who won't hurt me. But therein lies my paradox, in my efforts to be proven wrong, I'm all too often proven correct. That makes for even bigger complexes to arise.

As a survivor, I seek love and acceptance because it's an affirmation that what's happened doesn't define me. I want to know that I define me. I need to know that my past won't mark me, ruin me, or keep me from being me."

This shows me that I've grown from this; that I'm going to keep growing. Nothing in life is easy, and when have I ever had it easy? I'm a boss bitch, and I'm no longer the poor girl who tried to find the answers in other people. I'm in this for me, and mines. You're on my team, or you need to get out of the way.

Utterly undeniable.

2009-01-30T12:04:00.000-08:00

I've spent this week in the company of others, and I've realized that I really really miss my California people, and I need more alone time.

I have had just about everyone around me be on my last nerve at least once, and I just want a vacation away from them all. I'm so stressed with contest show that I'm considering divorcing myself from everyone just like last year haha

I need more time with just me; just about the only time I've been alone the past few weeks are when I'm asleep. Sometimes I need to be with others, but lately I've been missing alone time. Stolen moments and sleep aren't enough.

"Blue Blanket"

2009-01-25T09:57:00.001-08:00

this is a poem sent to me by one of my very closest friends. she is fantastic about knowing me and my limits; she knew I'd appreciate this poem. So I'm putting it up here for everyone to read, please absorb the message. I know exactly what I'm going to teach my son.

"BLUE BLANKET" by Andrea Gibson

still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why

like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could

just like she would
for me
or you
but how much closer to free would any of us be
if even a few of us forgot
what too many women in this world cannot
and i'm thinking
what the hell would you tell your daughter
your someday daughter
when you'd have to hold her beautiful face
to the beat up face of this place
that hasn't learned the meaning of
stop

what would you tell your daughter
of the womb raped empty
the eyes swollen shut
the gut too frightened to hold food
the thousands upon thousands of bodies used and abused
it was seven minutes of the worst kind of hell
seven
and she stopped believing in heaven
distrust became her law
fear her bible
the only chance of survival
don't trust any of them

bolt the doors to your home
iron gate your windows
walking to your car alone
get the keys in the lock
please please please please open
like already you can feel
that five fingered noose around your neck
two hundred pounds of hatred
digging graves into the sacred soil of your flesh

please please please please open
already you're choking for your breath
listening for the broken record of the defense
answer the question
answer the question
answer the question miss

why am i on trial for this

would you talk to your daughter
your sister your mother like this
i am generations of daughters sisters mothers
our bodies battlefields
war grounds
beneath the weapons of your brother's hands
do you know they've found land mines
in broken women's souls
black holes in the parts of their hearts
that once sang symphonies of creation
bright as the light on infinity's halo

she says
i remember the way love
used to glow like glitter on my skin
before he made his way in
now every touch feels like a sin
that could crucify medusa kali oshun mary
bury me in a blue blanket
so their god doesn't know i'm a girl
cut off my curls
i want peace when i'm dead

her friend knocks at the door
it's been three weeks
don't you think it's time you got out of bed

no
the ceiling fan still feels like his breath
i think i need just a couple more days of rest
please

bruises on her knees from praying to forget
she's heard stories of vietnam vets
who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs
she's wondering how many women are walking around this world
feeling the tingling of their amputated wings
remembering what it was to fly to sing

tonight she's not wondering
what she would tell her daughter
she knows what she would tell her daughter
she'd ask her
what gods do you believe in
i'll build you a temple of mirrors so you can see them!

pick the brightest star you've ever wished on
i'll show you the light in you
that made that wish come true!

tonight she's not asking
you what you would tell your daughter
she's life deep in the hell---the slaughter
has already died a thousand deaths with every unsteady breath
a thousand graves in every pore of her flesh
and she knows the war's not over
knows there's bleeding to come
knows she's far from the only woman or girl
trusting this world no more than the hands
trust rusted barbed wire
she was whole before that night
believed in heaven before that night
and she's not the only one
she knows she won't be the only one

she's not asking what you're gonna tell your daughter
she asking what you're gonna teach

your son

What's done is done...

2009-01-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

...and needlessly holding onto anger isn't going to change the fact that it's finished. I understand your pride might be a bit wounded, but really, we're going to go an entire week of avoiding each other and not speaking over this? My mother found out I have a tattoo and is utterly PISSED off, and while I understand her anger, this irrational punishment she's doing isn't going to make the tattoo go away or make me want it any less. So she might want to rethink her tactics.

I'm trying so hard to finish my student direct, but my migraines are so bad I can't see straight sometimes. This show is emotionally draining to write to begin with, but with the stress from my mother, the show and school on top of it, it's a wonder I haven't just thrown in the towel.

Everytime I wonder why I do this.

2009-01-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

Floorset was 12 hours long this floorset, and my goodness it was so draining. I fell asleep AT floorset, and I just slept like 9 hours. I wasted an entire day, and I so hate to do that. Now I suppose I'm just wrapping up some loose ends, catching up on things.

Really all I'm trying to do is avoid making a fool of myself; idle hands are the devil's playground after all.....

I know you love me and all...

2009-01-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

My mother is really grating on me lately. I know she wants to make sure I don't fuck things up again, or do things wrong, but this micromanaging has got to stop. It irritates me and makes me want to do things wrong just to spite her; if she would just speak her piece and then be done with it, that'd be one thing. But oh no! She's got to control every step and tell you what you're doing wrong every step of the way.

Really, this is my life, and even if you walk me through everything I'll still find my own mistakes and things like that. You didn't have to deal with the same life I have now, so please stop pretending like you've been in my shoes and just guide me? Don't lead, because I won't follow.

I'm being swallowed up.

2009-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

I feel entirely consumed with apathy, lightly seasoned of course with grief and self hatred. I have no earthly idea what brought about this shitty day, but they come and go. I used to go years without one, but as time went on they're more frequent and they stay longer-- I've had to initiate a 24 hour rule on myself. I'll allow myself to feel like this for one day, but after that I've got to snap out of it or try not to dwell on it.

Years of self-hatred, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment and utter sadness seemingly bottled up to enjoy in the concentrated, condensed form? Who wouldn't want some? Who doesn't want to feel like they're not safe in their own home, in their own body, in their own mind? Certainly not me! I love feeling like a walking mental case, a ticking time bomb of emotional unrest. Mmmmhhh, that's me, the train wreck.

I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm really over thinking this way. I finally love myself, and at the same time I feel like I've just set myself over a greater distance to fall. It's times like this the similar broken examples of humanity would turn to cutting, to drugs, to sex-- me, I tried using all of the aforementioned as crutches in their own time. Nothing held the allure of self-destruction, of self-annihilation though, and I felt that was further proof of my broken mind-- I don't want to be me anymore, but can't find a weapon of choice.

This is why I'm fucked up: my mood swings are wide and vast, this will be over, with any luck, by morning; I crave love because it feels like it fixes the broken bits of me; I need sex because it eases the pain of the past; I can't shake that feeling that something bad will happen during times where it really has no bearing. I just really don't know what to do with myself at this point in time.

I was once told I was someone's rock, I was their emotional foundation-- they killed themselves. How does that make me feel? I've been used, abused, screwed, fucked, bruised, killed, and everything you could think of-- I'm not a total fuck up, I'm not some whore, I'm not a mass murdering psychopath. If anything my totally cocked up life would grant me some kind of peace now that I'm out of the gambit, but no, instead I've got demons to fight in my own subconcious.

I don't make sense any more.

I'm not even asking you to change your Facebook status.

2009-01-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

I was up late talking to Candice after hanging out with friends and we really talked for a long time about guys and relationshits, and we've noticed a trend. In many cases, the female is the sole pursuer and the guy is just sitting in the wings, waiting to be fetched. Dude, I don't have time for that-- I'm a busy bitch.

I don't have time for a relationshit, but I still want that companionship that comes with it you know? I'm not asking you to marry me, I certainly am not asking you to rearrange your life around me (because God knows I won't for you), and don't assume I want you to be anything you don't want to be. In all honesty if I could in a way "rent" a boyfriend that'd take the cake.

I just want a boy I can have some laughs with, have fun, seriously talk to and kiss. That's quite literally all I have time for haha time for friends, so any guy I'm with would be like a glorified friend-with-benefits. We don't have to be exclusive, nor text everyday, just as long as when we're together its just me. I am open minded to a fault, but I will not take feeling used, or cheap.

I don't want weekly dates nor do I need us to constantly be together. I'm independent and busy as hell, so if our time together could be like a mini vacation almost, that'd be excellent. Maybe when one of us has a crazy test, afterwards we could hang out and just unwind, or even study together for midterms. That'd be charming and very thoughtful. However, I'm not saying I just want to stay in, that gets tiresome. Take me out when I've been in a mood, or just surprise me.

I want to be able to talk -- like really T A L K-- to a guy, about serious and trivial things. I don't like having to make all conversation on my own, and then get a look like "what is she going on about?" If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo in. There's very little that's sexier or more intriguing than a guy who can hold his own in a debate with me or can actually teach me something I didn't know. But don't get cocky, please, arrogance is not attractive on anyone. Self-confidence and self-assurance are both very great qualities for a guy to have, but once you reach doucher levels and cross into arrogant twat, then we've got a problem.

I'm not asking for you to buy me anything, I'm not asking for us to get a dog together, I'm not even asking you to move in with me. I just want a guy to make me feel special and like a lady, I just want a guy to fit and at the same time not fit so we'll have separate lives. I don't want a boyfriend, per say, I want someone to fit my idea of a boyfriend, because frankly I don't have time for much more than that. I'd like my "boyfriend" to be busy as well, so I'm not feeling like I have to hold back and entertain you.

If you are intimidated by someone who knows what they want or how they want it, you need not even apply. I'm not even asking for submissions, just keep in mind that not all girls need constant attention, nor showers of praise; if you tried that I'd just assume you were lying half the time anyway. I just am tired of people saying that I don't know what I want or that I'm too picky-- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm straight forward and don't have time for bullshit, so if that makes me an undate-able bitch in your mind, then so be it-- I don't have time for boys, sissies or idiots.

I need a man to be a man. I'm tired of always having to be the guy, to be the pursuer. I want to be wooed, pursued and seduced just as much as the next girl, so stop acting like I signed up to be the boy. I'm not saying I want you to open doors or order at restaurants for me, but no means would I ever mean that, I just want a guy to step up to the plate, take the lead, the initiative.

I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for the universe tucked into a Juicy purse, I won't even ask you to change your Facebook status, something so trivial and small, all I ask is you be a guy I can laugh with, talk to, kiss and escape reality with for a bit.

I'm terrified.

2008-12-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

Thinking about the future today has got me shaken because I'm realizing somethings:

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of going, terrified of staying. Just terrified.

If I go, then there's the fear of failure, the fear of my self destructive tendecies totally going off the deep end. The utter fear that if I go, that my family will have nothing to do with me.

If I stay, I'm afraid I'll never leave, that I'll never accomplish the things I've set out before me. If I stay I'll beocme complacent and my self destructive sabatoage will take a crazier form I'm certain.

I'm also terrified that I'll never become anything because I'm not good enough for society//the establishments I seek to join. Sure, I know I'm talented, but is it enough or the right kind for my goals? What if I don't get into USC and I don't get published because it's not what they're looking for?

I'm absolutely terrified.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired and upset. Two floorsets in a row combined with a dentist appointment (where they filled 4 cavities, bastards), made me crash and miss an entire day of holiday related movies! Haha I usually watch "Love Actually", "The Holiday", and the like with my mom, and end the evening with a Bond or action movie marathon with my dad. I didn't miss the father daughter bonding though! He waited for me and we watched a Jason Statham marathon haha now we're headed to midnight mass, so I'll end with this question: do atheists celebrate Christmas?

Christmas? Wasn't He born in the spring?

2008-12-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

This holiday season has kicked my ass. I figured once I was out of school I'd have time to work on my various projects I have saved, all at different levels of completion, and to just relax. Oh no, I seemed to have forgotten that I work in retail. Shit. I've replaced just about everything with work, or sleeping before/after work. The stress is mounting with all the crazies and demanding people. I just want to do floorset and be done with it all. This winter season has shown me that I'm really done with retail soon, I don't want to be subhuman to some woman who spoils her kids and scorns the rest of the world.

All the holiday cheer is lost on me this year, I've taken the pretend-it-isn't-happening approach. My mother is trying to get me into the spirit by reminding me that it's "Jesus Christ's birthday" and I "need to be thankful for the blessings He's bestowed" on me. So I kindly reminded her that Jesus was actually born in the spring and Thanksgiving had already passed, she wasn't too pleased with that assessment. If Christmas was really about family, togetherness, and love then why are there hoards of people abusing retail staff over boxes and shoes, people who aren't calling their disowned gay child, people who leave their parents old, withered and unattended in nursing homes? I'm pretty pessimistic this season, but come New Years Eve, it'll be on like donkey kong.

My resolution for 2009 will be: Go Big, Get Right. Get it Done. I'm getting my hustle on, no excuses no reneging. I'm all over this, and damnit I'm already behind schedule on my life. But sadly I may have to postpone moving again, family issues, combined with money crap, combined with health all add up to me having to stay a tad later than I had planned. But we'll stay positive, keep pushing and remember to always do right by life.

Chelle and I are compiling some stuff for a book, and I've really got to wrap up my SD, but in all of that and everything going on, I'm still starting new projects. I don't know, it just feels wrong to not follow an impulse, to ignore the inspiration. I'm really excited to write more, but I wish I were more consistent on following through haha It's in my nature to procrastinate and leave things undone for months at a time. I've really got to work on that.

It comes down to this.

2008-12-06T14:44:00.000-08:00

This is a blog of everything I'd like to say to Brian, my aunt's exhusband. I've had a hard few days, and I think a purge is just what I need:

I have to constantly tell myself that you aren't the issue anymore. I need to shake the dust of you, and sadly to this day it hurts. You took away my innocence, and my trust of all men. To this day when I'm alone with a man I have to reassure myself that I'm not going to be hurt. I have to remind myself that I will never allow myself to be a victim again, and that I have surrounded myself with people who won't allow it either. When someone brings up rape, molestation or sexual battery I cringe internally-- my heart literally free falls into my stomach where it has seizures. Sadly, for the longest time I've thought that I should have done something, said something to stop you. But I know now that it wouldn't have done me any good, and it's not my fault. It's not my fault you're a fucked up, pathetic guy-- a sad lost little boy who has to molest kids to get his jollies. There's no excusing what you've done, there's no apology or explanation you could give me that would justify it. And if you ever even tried I'd rip you apart with my bare fucking hands, but as it is you'll never try. You're proud, for whatever reason, and for you to admit you're in the wrong goes against your grain. So I'll just fill in the blanks and forgive you. I'll forgive you for ruining my life, for ruining my innocence, for ruining my childhood, for ruining my hopes for ever living a normal life. But I'll be damned if I ever trust you or forget what you've done. I won't be like you, this cycle of abuse ends with me. I couldn't, and never would cause someone to feel like I have for years. Self-hatred, pity, remorse, disgust, depression, anger-- all for something they had no say in, no control over. NEVER. I won't come after you, and I won't tell my father-- more for his sake than yours, though you do deserve for him to come after you and make you suffer-- instead I'll leave it in God's hands. He'll deal with you more justly than I could ever imagine. Enjoy the rest of your tainted, empty, and evil life-- I just hope the afterlife is worth it for your horrible life. But I will give you this warning, if you do ANYTHING to my cousins, or any one else in my family, I will do something about it. I can promise that with everything I am or ever will be.

you are so amazingly wrong for me

2008-11-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

It continues to surprise me when I realize how completely off base some people's lives are. They have no direction or sense of purpose. I may feel completely overwhelmed at times, but at least it's all building up for something.

There may be times when I feel like I've lost my center, and I'm like a boat lost at see with no rudder, sail or compass. But at least I've got a support system, and a group of people who know me through and through and I can dump my problems into their lap and they'll just sort through it and give me a solution I'd never have seen.

I might be out of sorts, a bitch, and scatter-brained, but I'm single-minded to the point of recklessness, driven, and straight forward. When I'm big, famous and in your face, you'll realize that I called this ages back. I didn't stop working towards it, even when I was drowning in hard times, confusion and frustrations.

It'll take more than anything this life can dish out to me. God led me to it, He'll lead me through it, and best believe our plan involves me changing the world.

in all that noise.

2008-11-21T20:29:00.001-08:00

Today I was working and realized that I really do give too much of myself to people. While that's good in the sense that people know they can turn to me and there are people who depend on me. It also means that there is little to no reciprocation on that "shoulder-to-cry-on" relationship. Honestly, how hard is it to listen to someone when they need to vent? How hard is it to be a soundboard for someone's hopes, fears, dreams and despairs? ITS NOT HARD; I do it on a regular basis, but I have very few people I know will drop what they're doing for 20 minutes to listen to me blather on and on about nothing until a gem pops out and all they'll do is smile and say "I knew you'd find it". That's a working, loving balanced friendship-- what the hell is wrong with the rest of you?

oh me oh my.

2008-11-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

Life is a tad jumbled now, hence the gap in posting. But holiday season is kicking in so I've practically sold my soul to the Dirrty Bird ©. Let's get a jump on this post shall we?

I recently got my body touched, and that opened an entire can of worms. He's got a girlfriend, and I figured that'd work to my benefit because I'm not looking for a relationshit. Well, he's crumbled under the pressure I guess, because he's dropped the ball. That's not the annoying part-- it's the regression he's suddenly taken. It's very junior high: the slinking around in my view in the hopes to make me watch him, the talking about me with his friends so there's a little mob throwing not-subtle-at-all glances my way, the whole NOT TEXTING thing. ugh, ridiculous. We're both adults, let's handle this in an adult way. Whatever.

I'm so overwhelmed lately that I've taken a mental health week, but now I need to get back in the grind. I need to finish "Haunted", my prompt book for "Pygmalion", my set design for "Antony and Cleopatra", and the 30 billion other things I've pushed back. I don't want to get behind schedule, but I also don't need a mental break down. That would push the schedule even further, and we can't have that. Oh crap, that reminds me, I've got to start working on my monologues and my USC essays.

I am reaffirming something I've believed in all my life: you should only fall in love if you've got an amazing story behind it. You're going to have to retell this story at PTA functions, your wedding, dinner parties, etc, so why not have a great story to tell? I refuse to fall in love unless we've got an interesting story to tell, I am fabulous enough for an even greater love than "high school sweethearts" or whatever, so I am going to demand what I deserve.

My friends are fantastic, and supportive, and hilarious. Throughout everything I'm going through, mucking around in or avoiding they've got something to offer. Thanks you guys for being amazing and keeping me sane =]

It's happened.

2008-11-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

We have the first African American president and I admire the change we've gone through. And yet. Nothing has changed. Prop 8 was passed in California, therefor banning same-sex marriages. For us to now tell this group of citizens they can't get married because of what their sexual preference is, it's ludicrous. I'd thought we'd come farther than this. Next will be interracial marriages, at this rate.

Love is love.

Rejected.

2008-10-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

At this point, being in this house is hurting me: emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm physically ill because of the depression that just hits me the longer I'm under this roof. Emotionally everything that happens is just another load on my already crushed back, and I'm at that point where all I can do is lay on my floor and bawl. Mentally, I'm sinking back into my old ways-- I'm fighting it with all I have but I can't do this alone.

My mother, one of the reasons I went into depression in my dark ages, has settled back into her old ways it seems. I'm being ignored and rejected over a misunderstanding-- one she didn't even want to hear my side of and just called me a liar over. This is how it always is between us. I'll do something below her standards or upset her, I'll be systematically ignored, alienated and rejected by my entire family under her orders. There's no better way to make someone feel useless than to show them that you care more about other things than their own flesh and blood. They're likely to drive me to my grave before they realize that I'm cracking. I'm putting on a brave face, but it really does cut deep, thinking that no one loves you.

I'm not welcome in my own house by my own family. How is that supposed to make me feel? Warm and toasty inside? No. I feel utterly insignificant, I feel invisible, I feel unloved. I feel like one day I'm going to come home and find the locks changed and all my stuff gone. My stuff is already mysteriously vanishing throughout the house and when I was looking for some of it earlier I was regarded and then ignored in the same breath. That's how I know she has it, and isn't going to give it back. It's so good to know that my family is so mature.

My only solace is that this time I know that these feelings aren't true this time. I know that I'm loved, and cared for. That I'm needed and wanted--even if its not by my family. I just pray with everything I have that they don't stop loving my brothers like they do me. I couldn't handle it knowing that Deezle or Petuhcha were to be crying themselves to sleep, in the shower, and on the ride to school.

I am so overwhelmed with life that I need my family to help me to support me, but I can't even get the to acknowledge my existence. This doesn't bode well for the rest of my punctuated life. I just have no way of waving a white flag for a truce; this mind fuck continues until I'm good and broken. I can't keep living like this, it's like waiting till I'm dying.

Funny how things start out.

2008-10-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've been busy, so don't think I've abandoned this blog, I've just been overwhelmed. Floorset was last night at American Eagle, and I am so tired and sore. I missed theatre class because I overslept, even though Desi woke me up. Haha, and right now I'm trying to stay awake in government class; I'm fighting a losing battle.

I'm still on the lookout for some body touching sadly, and my search is turning up blank. My dreams are getting more and more explicit and more and more detailed. It's going to be my undoing. I've started gaugeing every guy I see, and it gets kind of annoying when I'm doing it to guys who are like family.

I'll end this short post with this question, "Why is it when a girl's looking for chivalry, it's nowhere to be found. But when she's looking for debauchery, all the bad boys are reformed?"

Ignorance is an epidemic.

2008-10-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Today at work, Dustin, the douche bag I work with, was telling me about how he's going to join the Marines so he can "kick down doors and kill terrorists". He's an idiot and a war monger. That's not what the Marines or any form of militarism is about. We aren't supposed to be the "world police" that's the UN's job. The military is supposed to be used to keep our defense and that's it. The whole "war on terrorism" has become a joke. it started with the best of intentions and a great plan, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. we left the path we meant to head on, when we entered Iraq for oil.

Also, I found out today that in a recent poll about 55% of young voters are voting for Prop 8. The one that is against gay marriage. It goes against what our whole constitution is about, "freedom, and the pursuit of happiness" and all that jazz. By telling a group of people they are not eligible for the same benefits and rights as other Americans because of their sexual preference, we're no better than other fascist countries. If straight people can make a mockery of marriage, why can't gay couples give it an honest try?

Finally, to end my little rant, people are saying we shouldn't cut the military budget to allot more money for education and healthcare, because we need to "keep our defense up". UGH. Honestly, the only reason we spend so much is because suddenly we feel the need to fix other countries' shit, but abandon our domestic front. Unless we up the funding for education, we're never going to be able to compete on the world market, let alone keep the little respect other countries have for us.

Here's a word to the wise, please don't talk to me about things you know nothing about. All it will do is annoy me and make me want to rip you a new one.

when the fortune cookie speaks, you listen.

2008-10-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

"you will become more passionate and determined about your vision."

A fortune cookie told me what I already knew, and at first I laughed it off, but later that evening Chelle suggested offhandedly we compile our views into book(s). And I was thinking, we TOTALLY should! haha so once we finish what's on our plates, we're going to start throwing ideas around and get a manuscript written. It'll be our views and beliefs about love, life, dreams and everything in between.

Speaking of books, I've created a mini book list! haha "Therese's Book Club" has its own list now:
>> "Confessions of a Working Girl" Miss S
>> "Good Girl Gone Bad" Karin Tabke
>> "Skin" Karin Tabke
>> "Go Ask Alice" Anonymous
>> "Falling Leaves" Adeline Yen Mah
>> "Lolita" Vladimir Nabokov
>> "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings" Tyler Perry
>> "Diary of a Sex Fiend" Abby Lee

That's the list for now, I've got a feeling I may add more as I'm reading new ones.

And it just keeps rushing in.

2008-10-03T00:21:00.000-07:00

I've not only purged myself of past relationships, but put my life in perspective tonight. Then two of my favorite people reminded me of how loved I am, and how I deserve to be loved. This amazing, can't-live-without-it love isn't found from some relationshit with a guy who doesn't really get me, nor is it from some "IT" bag. Its from the people who matter most-- myself, and the people who know me better than I know myself.

My Other Half, in her amazing literary talent, expressed how we feel about dating in relation to our plans for life, and it reminded me that I deserve to be with a man who not only has aspirations of his own but will appreciate, support and aid in mine. I deserve to have my goals accomplished, despite what the world may think, and that the only person who has any say in it is me. God's given me the tools, its on me to make it happen.

My Gay, with not quite as much flourish as my Other Half, reminded me that I am needed and loved. There are people who consider me a comfort, a teacher, a friend--a hetero. I am missed, I am wanted, even though there are times when I don't want to be around myself. He's reminded me that though there are times when I'm an outcast in this house, there's a home waiting for me to come back to it.

I love you both, I couldn't keep sane if it weren't for you two being on my wavelength and knowing when I need your words of wisdom and comfort just when I need it.

"Find arms that will hold you at your weakest,
Eyes that will see you at your ugliest,
Heart that will love at your worst,
If you have found it,
You have found love."
Maybe they weren't talking about a relationshit, maybe they were talking about friendship beyond the bounds of normal friendship. They were talking about the friends who have become your family. Thank you for being my family.

false advertisement.

2008-09-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

I signed up for this class thinking it would be a government class, you know, a class about the structure and the inner workings. that way I'd have a better idea of what I'm up against whilst running the world. I expected a few debates to keep things interesting and engaging.

Instead, I got a teacher who talks solely about the history of the government and it's influences. And an online class, because it is a surprise hybrid class, that no one follows, and the assignments are randomly entered with no warning.

I think I'd learn more by joining political groups and compiling their knowledge.

If you're not going to teach, don't become a teacher. If you want to just hear yourself talk, get a degree in communications and be a spokesperson for some corporation. Don't waste our time with your half-ass attempts to teach.

Lust overload.

2008-09-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it when I really REALLY need a throw-me-down, kiss-me-senseless, so-passionate-the-neighbors-need-a-cigarette sex session, there's no one who fits the bill? Where's one of them when I need them?!

Its starting to take a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I've got aches and pains; I've got headaches and moodswings. Glory, for the sake of everyone around me, I need my body touched.

Sex is literally a cure-all. and let me tell you something, I may not have time for a relationshit, but I certainly have time for sex. It doesn't help that I only have eyes for Gaspard Ulliel, either.

Oh, I had a fabulous dream the other night about Gaspard Ulliel. Mmm, it was sexual, and sweet and let me tell you something...it made me wake up rabid as the dickens.

Future expatriate? It could be in the cards.

2008-09-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

This political debate and my family's reactions to it makes me feel like becoming an expat might be my best bet. My faith in this country is very much hanging on by a thread; this might just be the force that breaks it.

I've always planned on being a traveler and citizen of the world. Looks like I'm getting a start early. I've started looking at international movers, and real estate. and of course the job market. Hm, the latter seems to be the hardest part.

I have very little time to become fluent in French, and to learn how to change my resume into a French friendly format. Anyone know the requirements for French citizenship?

first loves, new loves && loves rekindled.

2008-09-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

I started working at American Eagle again, and those kids are just as crazy and fun as I remember them! But retail...ugh. If you've never worked in retail, you won't understand what I mean when I say it's a love-hate relationship. It never gets old, because everyday is something new to do, and there's all kinds of shenanigans that can happen in a single shift during retail. From crazy soccer moms losing their shit over returns to a couple trying to have fellatio in the fitting rooms to finding a used tampon under a table somewhere. But there's also rude people, thieves and all kinds of rude people who treat you like crap. Just because I'm there to help you and serve you doesn't make me a servant--it doesn't make me less of a human. I'm working to support myself just like you are, the only difference is material. So please step down from your high horse and treat me with a little respect. Civility is appreciated.

True to form, Scott not only welcomed me back like the Prodigal Child, but launched right back into one of our music talks. Gym Class Heroes, K-os and Paolo Nutini I liked before, but he gave me the CD's I've been looking for and I've fallen in LOVE with these artists. GCH's album "The Papercut Chronicles" is utterly brilliant--dark, but brilliant. And dare I say, what I think is their best album. k-os never disappoints, both albums are seamless and he's so smooth. Paolo Nutini's crooning is so tender and sweet--a guilty AE alum pleasure.

Aahh, and a conversation with Chelle about Regina Spektor, Fiona Apple, Duffy && Adele has sparked interest in their music besides what I just have on my ipod. We've gotten me interested in lyrical expression, and I really wish I could write songs as gorgeous as these women, Chelle included. Haha but Chelle's right, I'll dabble, just as she'll dabble in dance, and our main focus will always be acting and theatre.
Oh! In theatre, we've lost a week and a half of rehearsal, but we're pushing on and picking up the pace. It's like we haven't lost anytime and in fact, we're able to fine tune things we didn't feel were smooth. This show isn't going to disappoint and I'm proud of the cast--we've had many a setback, from someone dropping out before our first rehearsal to losing a week, but we're still in this together. Theatre is like a family because we all depend on each other for support, help and cohesion. If someone's not pulling their weight, then the whole cast looks ridiculous.

"don't let me get famous"

2008-09-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

haha i love my cousin. she's hilarious, and probably the reason i haven't disowned my family already haha she's so grounded and she's got my back. we were talking about how when we're famous we're going to keep being us. no boutique shopping just to spend money and see and be seen by paparazzi. no getting wild in public for attention and we're definitely keeping our bum days. we're still gonna shop at the alley in la and still rock ae or a&f and most definitely keep our sweats and nappy hair haha.

being famous shouldn't change who you are; you're the same person you were before you got famous, only your face is on magazines. don't let it get to your head. haha when i'm famous best believe things are going to be the same as they are, only instead of theatre rehearsal it's gonna be filming etc.

i've been working to be famous since birth; and i'll be damned if i don't get it.

wow. even now it hurts.

2008-09-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

this started as a blog about rude drivers and crazy conservatives harassing me. and instead its become a blog about how even hearing about other people being molested or raped hurts my heart. i think it's my overwhelming sense of compassion. i get sympathy pains over anything--and something that huge just cuts me.

being molested and raped--that entire sense of violation--can decimate you. the utter lack of control over your life makes you feel so insignificant. it's impossible to describe, impossible to understand unless you've been there first. i've forgiven, and moved on, but still it hurts.

i can say that as a person who's risen past sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse; i am stronger than anything that may come at me. i'm a boss bitch, and i have the baggage to prove that i've survived anything you have. but its still baggage i've got to carry.

i'll carry it so that when i'm famous i can help other people like me. other people who've lived past the worst of the human condition, can see that it won't make or break you unless you let it. you can try to doubt me, you can even say you're better. but believe me, i'm going to the stars. ad astra per aspera.

something on the horizon // need to move.

2008-09-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling in my gut that something's coming-- something's on the horizon, and headed my way. I don't know if its a good thing or bad; but I'm ready. I'm thinking positive and keeping positive--never forgetting the laws of attraction. Gods got a will and his will has a way. So here I am, whatever you are. I'm ready to take you on or take you out.

Now onto the need to move. I haven't danced in a long while, and I can feel the atrophy in my limbs. I'm trapped, and everytime a dance comes to life in my mind, its torture to not be able to go somewhere and flesh it out. I need a dance space--nothing fancy, just empty space and mirrors. I need some place to lose myself and just move.

to my family.

2008-09-07T18:47:00.001-07:00

must be nice
to be the favorite child.
to be the loved child.
to be wanted.
to be a part of a family.

i've always been the scape goat;
~~so it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.~~
that's a lie.
it hurts just as much as the first time--
only fiercer. because it's built up.

"when you're going downhill, it gets faster towards the bottom"
and right now, i feel like it maybe bottoming out.
a relief and a worry at once.
a relief because its drawing to an end.
a worry because i'm not sure if the end will be on my terms or yours.

either way, i'm going to be on my own.
and i'll finally be able to love myself,
without being reminded of how much i'm not.

i am so proud of who i'm becoming,
and i just wish you could be too.
but i have a feeling you won't be until i've accomplished everything.
then you'll swear up and down you knew it all along.

i love me, for once.
why can't you love me too?
as is, nothing more, nothing less.
therese crews, flawed and brilliant.
not some fantasy you've built up in your head since i was in the womb.

this is my life. not yours.
please let me live it,
please watch me live it.
please want to be a part of it.

would you really cast me out, just like that?
leave me to the wolves, and never spare me a second thought?
you go on and on about how family comes first, and lasts past everything else.
yet, if i go about my own devices, i'm really on my own?

contradictions have always been a part of our relationship,
so i can't really expect anything else, now can i?
i love you, but i can't live with you.
i won't be driven mad again, to suicide.

i just pray that when i do go,
you'll know i leave part of me with you.
and i pray you'll give me a part of you to take with me.
that you'll think of this as me going on my path,
and not as a rebellion.

support me.
love me.
be a part of my life.

my feelings, and someone's writing about Palin, Mccain and Obama.

2008-09-05T05:19:00.000-07:00

My personal feelings on this upcoming election are that the republicans have decimated our country's finances and morale for the past 8 years with war and trickery. Are we really so much about the status quo that we'll give our country to the NEXT set of republicans, to do with us what they may?

I feel that Obama's "blueprint" is a solid foundation for his presidency, and all the republican party seems to have is a veteran and smoke and mirrors.

Here's what a friend sent me:
Sarah Palin is not fit to be president. If McCain is elected and happens to die of cancer or old age before the end of his term, she will take over. think about that for a second. even if you are a Christian, you probably are not as delusional as she is. This woman believes the US military is the hand of god, doing the bidding of the creator of the universe in a holy war. She doesn't think women should be able to choose when to have children, she thinks ANY form of birth control should be illegal. That includes the pill and condoms - what will happen with AIDS and HIV when condoms are illegal? None of our kids will know what hit them because sex education will also be illegal. Palin believes the USA is a Christian nation and should be governed in accordance with God's will. All fine and dandy so long as you've burned the constitution and gotten rid of anyone who practices a different religion, a different sect of Christianity or, God forbid, no religion at all.

The republicans say they are for smaller government and lower taxes. but the policies they write are the opposite - they've tripled the size of government with agencies like the DHS and the expanded TSA - they've invited themselves into our homes without search warrants, they've tapped our phones and read our mail, they've crawled into our beds and told us who we can love, who we can marry and when we can or can't have kids. that's not smaller government. the tax code will be altered to give more breaks to the richest people and corporations in the country while they make the rest of us shoulder the burdens of their wars, both with our money and our blood. Obama's team plans to LOWER taxes for over %90 of Americans and raise taxes on the companies that are making the largest PROFITS in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD (these same companies also happen to be owned and operated by conservative oil men like Bush and Cheney)-- I'm getting off topic, sorry, let's focus on Palin.

she gave a good speech - i'll give her that - but she used to be a sports new anchor - so she knows how to read a teleprompter, fantastic. the mccain campaign has blown a lot of hot air about how Obama is all speeches and no plan (if you're someone who has swallowed that little chunk of poo, please read obama's 'blueprint for america' in which he outlines with great detail all of his plans should he win the election)-- the speech she gave was written by Bush's team (not kidding)-- and, predictably, it was full of blatant lies.

that's it from me, please read the facts about the speech and the lies she told a nation in her debut attacks.
-e.

The following is a quick response from Associated Press Writer Jim Drinkard.

ST. PAUL, Minn.— Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.

Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform-- not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requibring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded. Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families. He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state-- by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV.
MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right-- change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington-- throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."
THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate.

catharsis; purged; free.

2008-09-02T18:28:00.001-07:00

have you ever wondered why you can bawl your eyes out at a movie and still love it? like why movies we laugh at, a year later forget, but we'll never shake the way the tragedy gripped us? this is why.

ca·thar·sis Listen to the pronunciation of catharsis
Pronunciation:
\kə-ˈthär-səs\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural ca·thar·ses Listen to the pronunciation of catharses \-ˌsēz\
Etymology:
New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
Date:
circa 1775

1: purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art

its a purge of emotions; like wringing out a sponge. now, that catharsis is freeing because it doesn't keep you muddled up. it empties you of all the excess you've been hoarding and right now in my life, for the first time in a long time, i feel like i'm going through my catharsis and i'm going to come out of it more driven than ever. which is what i really need right now.

chelle and i have been talking about whoremones and their tendency to lead you towards romance, weddings, and mushy shit we don't have time for. but right now just thinking about a relationshit has me....indifferent. i know i don't need a guy to complete me, make me feel better, or take care of me. so what purpose can a guy possibly serve? NOTHING. that's it.

so why waste valuable time and effort on it? i'm not going to. i'm a bitch with deadlines, and if i'm going to be moving back home by this summer [[which best believe is about a done deal]] then i've gotta keep my nose to the grind. i'm already sadly behind schedule, and i've had to move deadlines around. NO MORE.

this year i've got the following goals and God willing, i'm going to accomplish them all:
[[1]] finish writing my student direct
[[2]] finish my writing
[[3]] get published
[[4]] move back to california
[[5]] audition and get into usc
[[6]] get situated with scholarships and a job
[[7]] begin my plan take over the world =]

so as you can see this year is pretty jam packed. so i don't have time for wishywashy immature fools, nor do i want to waste my time. i'm a busy boss bitch. get in line, or get out of my way.

don't try to hold me down with words and empty promises. i'm smarter than that, and if you think all it'll take to snare me is a few touches and kisses, mixed with the right words and looks then you're in for a rude awakening. i can use 'em and abuse 'em like the worst of them, but i'm classier than that. so you probably won't get the chance to even put your theory to the test. and even if you did, you'd end up getting played like the fool you are. so let's save you the embarrassment and me the time, and just not, k?

i've got my life in perspective, and adjusting my course. maybe instead of analyzing mine, and telling me how much i'm going to fail, you should look at your own life. you might find that what you're saying about others applies more to you and your lack of guidance.

repressed emotions have their heyday.

2008-08-31T14:19:00.000-07:00

Repressed emotions have their heyday with or without your permission.

I seemed to have forgotten that tidbit of information, and now they're coming at me full force. There's: angst, aggression, sorrow, fear, sadness, indifference and empty longing.

I feel like I'm a shell, and I'm holding this flurry of emotions within myself. I can't move or speak, only feel everything bubbling beneath the surface.

Will I be able to get a handle on everything before it explodes, or will it implode and I have another breakdown? I don't know.

homecoming. home leaving.

2008-08-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

being back in california has brought on a flurry of emotions. its invigorating to see old places and old faces. its so heartwarming to reconnect with people i use to spend ALL my time with. and its amazing to see how they've changed and meet their new friends. its amazing. i love being home so much.

but seeing people who haven't changed, people who are STILL in JUNIOR high. not even HIGH SCHOOL, but so regressed, its just frustrating. don't try to pull me down to your level.

i'm just doing me. so go on and do you.

degrees of love

2008-06-02T22:18:00.001-07:00

falling out of love isn't covered as much as falling in love is, in movies && books. so sadly there's no operating manual for life when you no longer are in love with the person you love. sure you'll always love them, i believe, but in a small (eventually insignificant) way.

once a person is a big part of your life, you'll love them as a friend or family or a bittersweet memory. and when the latter tries to make a reentry to your life, their transgressions seemingly "forgiven and forgotten" on their end, you tend to get a little upset. which is COMPLETELY justified.

crazy dreams.

2008-06-01T05:45:00.000-07:00

i had two weird dreams last night. both were not in this time period haha but a couple decades past.

in the first some friends [[people i've never seen before]] and i are messing around in a neighborhood. theres a drag race going on and i guess we mess it up, because the guys are chasing us. while running we take a culdesac's walkway to some secluded house, and the guy running with me, luis [[never seen him before]], randomly takes my hand while we're running and we drop the hands and look at each other and grab our hands again. we scale the fence and hide all while holding hands. he lets go to go around the building to check if we were followed, when a guy jumps out at me. i drop kick him and luis and i take off running. we get a couple blocks away with our other 2 friends when i stop running and i feel faint, i start to pass out because i'm hypoglycemic and all that running nonsense tired me out. luis is still holding my hand as i fall, so he grabs me and holds me to him on the ground. the others try to find candy or something when a police car [[that looks like a painted station wagon]] pulls up and asks "whats the matter". the other friends don't know and luis replies "she's hypoglycemic, we were running from the dragsters and now her blood sugars down." they give him some soda and a candy bar and he tries to get me to drink some soda and gives up. he breaks the candy bar into pieces and tries to get them into my mouth. he gets some in and some soda in after a while and when i come to he leans in and kisses me.

next one, we're in like a classroom of some kind and the desks are seperated into two groups on opposite sides of the room. i'm in the group of desks closest to the door and against the opposite wall are jocks and the dragsters from the first dream. there's like a battle of the bands going on because the two sides are competing with guitars and singing and such. then the room settles down and i'm sitting on the opposite side with a guy and a girl. she's all shakey and when i ask her what's up she says she dropped acid and is tripping. the guy turns to me and says "what an idiot." we're talking and laughing when the teacher comes to drop off tests, he's also got a thing of candy asking which of us three want it. she's tripping, and he's not looking so i raise my hand and get it. the teacher says "i suppose its going to the one who does the hardest work in here." the guy laughs and says to the teacher "i may be a lawyer, but i still love julie hall" gesturing to me.

then i'm woken up. any ideas on what it means?

taking my life into my own hands.

2008-05-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

i've started my own business, quit my second job, and am focusing more. the talk with my mother about everything really put me into a mindset to conquer the world. i just have to shed anything that isn't helping me do that.