Change of plans or am I standing still?

Having a child changes things-- oh Lord, does it change things-- but now that I'm adjusted to having my little guy I'm missing the things that made me me. Writing and creative ventures were/are a really big part of me and I'm ready to get back into it!!

The thing that kind of makes me pause though is that usually when I write or get into my creative zone, I tend to detach myself from everything around me. I don't know why, maybe so that what I'm creating isn't influenced by anything but my thought process? Perhaps it's because I don't want to get distracted and lose my momentum?

Whatever the reason, obviously it would not be okay for me to detach now that I've got a little boy who depends on me for everything. I'm thinking of this chane in my approach as a good thing, I did have a bad habit of not following though because "the impulse was gone". Now that I'm not ruled by fickle tides of "inspiration" I can really work on my writing again. After all, the only way to get better is to keep doing it!

I thought I was supposed to stop feeling neurotic?

I always imagined that when I was in a healthy, functioning long term committed relationship I'd have my neurosis under control and we'd be this great cohesive unit. I guess in a way I expected being in the relationship would cure me? That's not the case especially since we're both human, we both brought baggage to the table.

I'm constantly on guard and trying to make things better for him. I guess part of me is resentful because he doesn't do the same for me. He works all day and I'm with Charlie 24/7. On paper and in theory I've got the easier burden so I try not to fight or push him. Problem is he pries; here I am trying so hard not to get upset and yell or cry, and he gets MAD that I don't.

I haven't showered properly in a week, I can't post real posts on my motherhood blog because I'm worried he'll get mad or upset when he reads it. I'm just feeling super on edge all the time this week and he's sensing it and poking the dragon.

Losing

Losing my job has been extremely stressful because I've been able to see my last day looming in the distance. I've been trying and trying to no avail to find another job before this one ends.

Why on earth is this so difficult, you ask? Because my little boy is too young for daycare and my work availability would have to work around that. I can't bartend or work overnights because I've still got to be able to be up and functioning with Charlie in the daytime.

I'm staying positive and trusting there's a purpose for this. I just needed to vent haha "worry is self harassment".

Back in business?

I'm back but completely different haha I'm in a long term relationship, a new mom to a handsome baby boy (follow that journey at ohwowimamomnow.blogspot.com ) and trying to balance work (while I still have one and my hunt for a new one), my new family and returning to school. It doesn't hurt to vent as things change and get harder before they get better. So here we go.

i'm insanely fickle, but you knew that.

alas, i am incredibly fickle, and i am not feelign inspired here anymore, i am moving my personal blog to sharing is caring.

i may be back, i may not, but know the journey together is what's really important.

when there's nothing left to burn, you've got to set yourself on fire.

I've been so crazy swamped that I haven't had a chance to post. Let's update on whats happening now:

I've started dating this guy, Mark, and while it's a new thing, he's great. I haven't been in a relationship in years and frankly wasn't looking or interested in a relationship, but Mark blindsided me-- something he does often, I like it, it keeps me on my toes.

I am taking a semester off to recharge and save up for moving out and on. Wherever my life takes me next I'm going to need to be prepared so that's what this semester off will be for. I've spent enough time in limbo and frankly I'm ready for the rest of the adventure.

I'm working on writing more, I've seriously been slacking and I'm tired of it haha. If I don't push myself I won't accomplish anything, and that doesn't work for me. I'm posting all of my works to this blog

Letter to Puberty.

Dear Puberty,

I'm a h u g e fan of your work in guys; you know, the deep voices, the
increase in testosterone, the muscles-- all of it. But I've noticed lately something you've been neglecting....height. What happened to this "growth spurt" guys get? I find myself being obscenely taller than some guys, and its become bad enough where we need to address it. Please get your shit together and work on my absolute favorite part of your work-- tall guys. Thanks so much, I look forward to your reply.

--T
p.s. I understand this trend of manscaping isn't your idea either, but if you could let guys know that I don't want to sleep with a woman otherwise I would, and it's alright to keep some hair that'd be great.