when there's nothing left to burn, you've got to set yourself on fire.

I've been so crazy swamped that I haven't had a chance to post. Let's update on whats happening now:

I've started dating this guy, Mark, and while it's a new thing, he's great. I haven't been in a relationship in years and frankly wasn't looking or interested in a relationship, but Mark blindsided me-- something he does often, I like it, it keeps me on my toes.

I am taking a semester off to recharge and save up for moving out and on. Wherever my life takes me next I'm going to need to be prepared so that's what this semester off will be for. I've spent enough time in limbo and frankly I'm ready for the rest of the adventure.

I'm working on writing more, I've seriously been slacking and I'm tired of it haha. If I don't push myself I won't accomplish anything, and that doesn't work for me. I'm posting all of my works to this blog

"Self esteem is esteem of your muthaf*cken self."

Don't let anyone tell you you're not amazing. That you're not an
absolute catch. And especially don't let anyone, especially you, rain on
your parade. Self-esteem is important to every person, but like the first part of it is the truest part-- its your self.

What someone says may make you think you're not as great as you are, but hell it's up to you how much you let petty things that people say affect you.

2010

Dear 2010,

I know that our initial meeting was a bit strained-- I was cursing at the sun through the closed blinds and begging Lady Gaga for a refund on you. But I digress.

I'm writing you to let you know that you will soon be my bitch. Yes, it's true. This year I am going to get my ass in gear, and go H A R D. I'm sure you had plans for me, but I really don't care.

You may have had some romance lined up, but you can save it. I won't have time nor the desire to be courted or wooed. And honestly, I don't have much faith in your taste-- the people you've tried to surround me with so far are not the business. And frankly, 2009 ended on a high note in the guy department and I'd like to let sleeping dogs lie frankly.

Sex is always on the menu as far as I'm concerned but I really don't think I'm going to be having too much of it this year. I know I know, this isn't at all what you were expecting from me, based off what you heard from years past, but this is a new era. Get in line.

My hustle is going to be top shelf this year, so I cannot have you trying to distract, or detour me k? I thought I should write you while we're still getting to know each other and just let you know how this year is going to go down.

Yours truly,
T.

p.s. no. you may not dreg up exes or curveballs.

Why do you insist on breaking my heart?

Another fun filled morning with Mother, complete with more words designed to tear me down.

It has worked. Now stop.

I'm losing my shimmer.

I feel like less of Therese. Like all my personality and laughter and love and just overall shimmer is dimmed. I'm worried and stressed.

I hope I don't lose myself completely.

Compulsively obsessive.

I am on another one of my manic bursts again; I've been writing adn reading with a furvor I haven't had in a while. I'm not worried or upset about it, quite the opposite, I'm overjoyed at my new obsession with one of my loves. I really hope to apply this new burst of creative enthusiasm to my other arts-- and to academics, I guess.

I've been looking into fine art schools abroad and in other states, I've got my heart set on a few places, and a friend suggested to me a school I've never considered. Julliard. I don't know why I've never considered it as an option, I'm a triple threat and then some; I suppose I've always just assumed taht while I'm good at all of them, there will always be someone better.

That's not going to be my thinking anymore; if I don't deserve it, they'll be hard pressed to find someone better. I'm gonna knock everything I do out of the park. Watch me.

This is the first week of my life.

I've turned a new leaf. I'm determined, driven and focused now. Eyes on the prize. Which is good because I'm done with bad decisions and worse company.

I've got so many things to do, and not much time to do them. At least not if I intend to take over the world before I'm 35.

Let's get this show on the road shall we?

Tonight and the rest of my life...

...I'm gonna love me more than I love someone else.
...I'm going to do what I need before I consider what someone else wants.
...I'm going to be the baddest bitch I can.
...I'm going to write more often, even if it's just flow of consciousness drivel.
...I'm never going to sell myself short.
...I'm never going to settle.
...I'm going to stick to my guns.
...I won't give in.

...is mine, and I'm doing it right.

I'll have you know

I've grown in all of this. This heartbreak and whatevership nonsense I've put myself through. I've learned all kinds of things.

I've learned what I want and don't want in a boyfriend. I've learned that I am exactly as feminine, sexy, and loveable as I want to be. I've learned that there is such a thing as a person who cares about you enough to know what you want before you want it.

I've also learned that in the event of heartbreak, I've got the best support network anyone could ever ask for. I've learned that hopes and prayers aren't always enough. I've learned that sometimes we just need to let go and let God.

I've learned that it's ok to be afraid to love, but it's not ok to let that hold me back. I've learned that someone not loving you back in the way you want them to isn't the end of your life, it's just a temporary road block-- once you're done letting it define you, it'll dissipate.

I've learned it's okay to wallow, but only for a little bit. I've learned that when you want to cry and scream, to ask your best friend to do it with you, she has stuff to unleash too.

Finally, I've learned that I love him, and I love him for teaching me just how much I love myself and how right I am to do so. Thank you for that, if I can ever repay the favor, please let me know.

Breaking my own heart.

It just doesn't get any easier. No matter what vague advice or psuedo-fortune cookie like bullshit I feed myself. I can blame timing, hormones, and fucking Nicholas Sparks for all I want, but it won't change the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm hurting. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm a million and a half things, all just boiling over under the air tight lid of my facade. But in truth, I'm crushed. I don't know how long this will hurt-- there's never been a formula for it. And it certainly doesn't help that the guy, who stomped on my heart, wasn't even a boyfriend when he did it.

No, I'm practically obliterated over someone who I wasn't important enough to to get him to commit. That's a stupid mistake on my part, and I'll accept my part of the blame there. I'm a fool who hoped that this...this, whatever "this" is, would be something to change my life. And for a time it was.

He changed my outlook, my self esteem and my aversion to intimacy. I won't hold it against him-- my good riddance list for him isn't a great thing any how. I'd like to look back fondly, and wish him well. Not a single part of me wants to wish him ill, on the contrary, I hope and pray he finds a woman who he cannot live without, a woman who will appreciate everything he has to offer. I hope he and this woman life happily ever after.

He's a fantastic guy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel feminine, he never allowed me to think less of myself. He is the third love of my life. I believe in "one person for everyone", but I'm a realist. A single person changes, or should change, over the course of their life, so wouldn't it make sense that what their "soulmate" would entail change with them?

I've changed, and for a time he fits in the LOML position. I didn't, don't and probably won't fit into his, but that's not a requirement for it. I loved and gave whole heartedly...I did everything I could do. Everything I would've wanted done for me.

I love you, but I can't keep breaking my own heart. If I ever fit into the LOML position for you, let me know. Who knows, maybe in the future after you've grown, we'll be what each other is looking for. I wish you laughter, love and a long life.

There comes a time when you've got to be your own catalyst.

This is my time, I've realized that I am screwing myself over. I know that I am capable of amazing things, but if I keep these shenanigans up I may never get there-- and that just won't do.

This is me taking my stand against myself; it's time to get your ass in gear.

It's been hard.

I literally feel like I've dug a big hole and am now sitting in it, looking up at the sky as it moves, hearing people talk and laugh as they pass by my little fort, and little by little my hole starts to feel more and more like a grave.

It's all falling to hell and I really feel like this is only the beginning of the craziness my life is going to become.