Thinking about the future today has got me shaken because I'm realizing somethings:
I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of going, terrified of staying. Just terrified.
If I go, then there's the fear of failure, the fear of my self destructive tendecies totally going off the deep end. The utter fear that if I go, that my family will have nothing to do with me.
If I stay, I'm afraid I'll never leave, that I'll never accomplish the things I've set out before me. If I stay I'll beocme complacent and my self destructive sabatoage will take a crazier form I'm certain.
I'm also terrified that I'll never become anything because I'm not good enough for society//the establishments I seek to join. Sure, I know I'm talented, but is it enough or the right kind for my goals? What if I don't get into USC and I don't get published because it's not what they're looking for?
I'm absolutely terrified.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas
I'm so tired and upset. Two floorsets in a row combined with a dentist appointment (where they filled 4 cavities, bastards), made me crash and miss an entire day of holiday related movies! Haha I usually watch "Love Actually", "The Holiday", and the like with my mom, and end the evening with a Bond or action movie marathon with my dad. I didn't miss the father daughter bonding though! He waited for me and we watched a Jason Statham marathon haha now we're headed to midnight mass, so I'll end with this question: do atheists celebrate Christmas?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Christmas? Wasn't He born in the spring?
This holiday season has kicked my ass. I figured once I was out of school I'd have time to work on my various projects I have saved, all at different levels of completion, and to just relax. Oh no, I seemed to have forgotten that I work in retail. Shit. I've replaced just about everything with work, or sleeping before/after work. The stress is mounting with all the crazies and demanding people. I just want to do floorset and be done with it all. This winter season has shown me that I'm really done with retail soon, I don't want to be subhuman to some woman who spoils her kids and scorns the rest of the world.
All the holiday cheer is lost on me this year, I've taken the pretend-it-isn't-happening approach. My mother is trying to get me into the spirit by reminding me that it's "Jesus Christ's birthday" and I "need to be thankful for the blessings He's bestowed" on me. So I kindly reminded her that Jesus was actually born in the spring and Thanksgiving had already passed, she wasn't too pleased with that assessment. If Christmas was really about family, togetherness, and love then why are there hoards of people abusing retail staff over boxes and shoes, people who aren't calling their disowned gay child, people who leave their parents old, withered and unattended in nursing homes? I'm pretty pessimistic this season, but come New Years Eve, it'll be on like donkey kong.
My resolution for 2009 will be: Go Big, Get Right. Get it Done. I'm getting my hustle on, no excuses no reneging. I'm all over this, and damnit I'm already behind schedule on my life. But sadly I may have to postpone moving again, family issues, combined with money crap, combined with health all add up to me having to stay a tad later than I had planned. But we'll stay positive, keep pushing and remember to always do right by life.
Chelle and I are compiling some stuff for a book, and I've really got to wrap up my SD, but in all of that and everything going on, I'm still starting new projects. I don't know, it just feels wrong to not follow an impulse, to ignore the inspiration. I'm really excited to write more, but I wish I were more consistent on following through haha It's in my nature to procrastinate and leave things undone for months at a time. I've really got to work on that.
All the holiday cheer is lost on me this year, I've taken the pretend-it-isn't-happening approach. My mother is trying to get me into the spirit by reminding me that it's "Jesus Christ's birthday" and I "need to be thankful for the blessings He's bestowed" on me. So I kindly reminded her that Jesus was actually born in the spring and Thanksgiving had already passed, she wasn't too pleased with that assessment. If Christmas was really about family, togetherness, and love then why are there hoards of people abusing retail staff over boxes and shoes, people who aren't calling their disowned gay child, people who leave their parents old, withered and unattended in nursing homes? I'm pretty pessimistic this season, but come New Years Eve, it'll be on like donkey kong.
My resolution for 2009 will be: Go Big, Get Right. Get it Done. I'm getting my hustle on, no excuses no reneging. I'm all over this, and damnit I'm already behind schedule on my life. But sadly I may have to postpone moving again, family issues, combined with money crap, combined with health all add up to me having to stay a tad later than I had planned. But we'll stay positive, keep pushing and remember to always do right by life.
Chelle and I are compiling some stuff for a book, and I've really got to wrap up my SD, but in all of that and everything going on, I'm still starting new projects. I don't know, it just feels wrong to not follow an impulse, to ignore the inspiration. I'm really excited to write more, but I wish I were more consistent on following through haha It's in my nature to procrastinate and leave things undone for months at a time. I've really got to work on that.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
It comes down to this.
This is a blog of everything I'd like to say to Brian, my aunt's exhusband. I've had a hard few days, and I think a purge is just what I need:
I have to constantly tell myself that you aren't the issue anymore. I need to shake the dust of you, and sadly to this day it hurts. You took away my innocence, and my trust of all men. To this day when I'm alone with a man I have to reassure myself that I'm not going to be hurt. I have to remind myself that I will never allow myself to be a victim again, and that I have surrounded myself with people who won't allow it either. When someone brings up rape, molestation or sexual battery I cringe internally-- my heart literally free falls into my stomach where it has seizures. Sadly, for the longest time I've thought that I should have done something, said something to stop you. But I know now that it wouldn't have done me any good, and it's not my fault. It's not my fault you're a fucked up, pathetic guy-- a sad lost little boy who has to molest kids to get his jollies. There's no excusing what you've done, there's no apology or explanation you could give me that would justify it. And if you ever even tried I'd rip you apart with my bare fucking hands, but as it is you'll never try. You're proud, for whatever reason, and for you to admit you're in the wrong goes against your grain. So I'll just fill in the blanks and forgive you. I'll forgive you for ruining my life, for ruining my innocence, for ruining my childhood, for ruining my hopes for ever living a normal life. But I'll be damned if I ever trust you or forget what you've done. I won't be like you, this cycle of abuse ends with me. I couldn't, and never would cause someone to feel like I have for years. Self-hatred, pity, remorse, disgust, depression, anger-- all for something they had no say in, no control over. NEVER. I won't come after you, and I won't tell my father-- more for his sake than yours, though you do deserve for him to come after you and make you suffer-- instead I'll leave it in God's hands. He'll deal with you more justly than I could ever imagine. Enjoy the rest of your tainted, empty, and evil life-- I just hope the afterlife is worth it for your horrible life. But I will give you this warning, if you do ANYTHING to my cousins, or any one else in my family, I will do something about it. I can promise that with everything I am or ever will be.
I have to constantly tell myself that you aren't the issue anymore. I need to shake the dust of you, and sadly to this day it hurts. You took away my innocence, and my trust of all men. To this day when I'm alone with a man I have to reassure myself that I'm not going to be hurt. I have to remind myself that I will never allow myself to be a victim again, and that I have surrounded myself with people who won't allow it either. When someone brings up rape, molestation or sexual battery I cringe internally-- my heart literally free falls into my stomach where it has seizures. Sadly, for the longest time I've thought that I should have done something, said something to stop you. But I know now that it wouldn't have done me any good, and it's not my fault. It's not my fault you're a fucked up, pathetic guy-- a sad lost little boy who has to molest kids to get his jollies. There's no excusing what you've done, there's no apology or explanation you could give me that would justify it. And if you ever even tried I'd rip you apart with my bare fucking hands, but as it is you'll never try. You're proud, for whatever reason, and for you to admit you're in the wrong goes against your grain. So I'll just fill in the blanks and forgive you. I'll forgive you for ruining my life, for ruining my innocence, for ruining my childhood, for ruining my hopes for ever living a normal life. But I'll be damned if I ever trust you or forget what you've done. I won't be like you, this cycle of abuse ends with me. I couldn't, and never would cause someone to feel like I have for years. Self-hatred, pity, remorse, disgust, depression, anger-- all for something they had no say in, no control over. NEVER. I won't come after you, and I won't tell my father-- more for his sake than yours, though you do deserve for him to come after you and make you suffer-- instead I'll leave it in God's hands. He'll deal with you more justly than I could ever imagine. Enjoy the rest of your tainted, empty, and evil life-- I just hope the afterlife is worth it for your horrible life. But I will give you this warning, if you do ANYTHING to my cousins, or any one else in my family, I will do something about it. I can promise that with everything I am or ever will be.
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