2010

Dear 2010,

I know that our initial meeting was a bit strained-- I was cursing at the sun through the closed blinds and begging Lady Gaga for a refund on you. But I digress.

I'm writing you to let you know that you will soon be my bitch. Yes, it's true. This year I am going to get my ass in gear, and go H A R D. I'm sure you had plans for me, but I really don't care.

You may have had some romance lined up, but you can save it. I won't have time nor the desire to be courted or wooed. And honestly, I don't have much faith in your taste-- the people you've tried to surround me with so far are not the business. And frankly, 2009 ended on a high note in the guy department and I'd like to let sleeping dogs lie frankly.

Sex is always on the menu as far as I'm concerned but I really don't think I'm going to be having too much of it this year. I know I know, this isn't at all what you were expecting from me, based off what you heard from years past, but this is a new era. Get in line.

My hustle is going to be top shelf this year, so I cannot have you trying to distract, or detour me k? I thought I should write you while we're still getting to know each other and just let you know how this year is going to go down.

Yours truly,
T.

p.s. no. you may not dreg up exes or curveballs.

Tonight and the rest of my life...

...I'm gonna love me more than I love someone else.
...I'm going to do what I need before I consider what someone else wants.
...I'm going to be the baddest bitch I can.
...I'm going to write more often, even if it's just flow of consciousness drivel.
...I'm never going to sell myself short.
...I'm never going to settle.
...I'm going to stick to my guns.
...I won't give in.

...is mine, and I'm doing it right.

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!

I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.

I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!

I'm terrified.

Thinking about the future today has got me shaken because I'm realizing somethings:

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of going, terrified of staying. Just terrified.

If I go, then there's the fear of failure, the fear of my self destructive tendecies totally going off the deep end. The utter fear that if I go, that my family will have nothing to do with me.

If I stay, I'm afraid I'll never leave, that I'll never accomplish the things I've set out before me. If I stay I'll beocme complacent and my self destructive sabatoage will take a crazier form I'm certain.

I'm also terrified that I'll never become anything because I'm not good enough for society//the establishments I seek to join. Sure, I know I'm talented, but is it enough or the right kind for my goals? What if I don't get into USC and I don't get published because it's not what they're looking for?

I'm absolutely terrified.

when the fortune cookie speaks, you listen.

"you will become more passionate and determined about your vision."

A fortune cookie told me what I already knew, and at first I laughed it off, but later that evening Chelle suggested offhandedly we compile our views into book(s). And I was thinking, we TOTALLY should! haha so once we finish what's on our plates, we're going to start throwing ideas around and get a manuscript written. It'll be our views and beliefs about love, life, dreams and everything in between.

Speaking of books, I've created a mini book list! haha "Therese's Book Club" has its own list now:
>> "Confessions of a Working Girl" Miss S
>> "Good Girl Gone Bad" Karin Tabke
>> "Skin" Karin Tabke
>> "Go Ask Alice" Anonymous
>> "Falling Leaves" Adeline Yen Mah
>> "Lolita" Vladimir Nabokov
>> "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings" Tyler Perry
>> "Diary of a Sex Fiend" Abby Lee

That's the list for now, I've got a feeling I may add more as I'm reading new ones.

crazy dreams.

i had two weird dreams last night. both were not in this time period haha but a couple decades past.

in the first some friends [[people i've never seen before]] and i are messing around in a neighborhood. theres a drag race going on and i guess we mess it up, because the guys are chasing us. while running we take a culdesac's walkway to some secluded house, and the guy running with me, luis [[never seen him before]], randomly takes my hand while we're running and we drop the hands and look at each other and grab our hands again. we scale the fence and hide all while holding hands. he lets go to go around the building to check if we were followed, when a guy jumps out at me. i drop kick him and luis and i take off running. we get a couple blocks away with our other 2 friends when i stop running and i feel faint, i start to pass out because i'm hypoglycemic and all that running nonsense tired me out. luis is still holding my hand as i fall, so he grabs me and holds me to him on the ground. the others try to find candy or something when a police car [[that looks like a painted station wagon]] pulls up and asks "whats the matter". the other friends don't know and luis replies "she's hypoglycemic, we were running from the dragsters and now her blood sugars down." they give him some soda and a candy bar and he tries to get me to drink some soda and gives up. he breaks the candy bar into pieces and tries to get them into my mouth. he gets some in and some soda in after a while and when i come to he leans in and kisses me.

next one, we're in like a classroom of some kind and the desks are seperated into two groups on opposite sides of the room. i'm in the group of desks closest to the door and against the opposite wall are jocks and the dragsters from the first dream. there's like a battle of the bands going on because the two sides are competing with guitars and singing and such. then the room settles down and i'm sitting on the opposite side with a guy and a girl. she's all shakey and when i ask her what's up she says she dropped acid and is tripping. the guy turns to me and says "what an idiot." we're talking and laughing when the teacher comes to drop off tests, he's also got a thing of candy asking which of us three want it. she's tripping, and he's not looking so i raise my hand and get it. the teacher says "i suppose its going to the one who does the hardest work in here." the guy laughs and says to the teacher "i may be a lawyer, but i still love julie hall" gesturing to me.

then i'm woken up. any ideas on what it means?