"Self esteem is esteem of your muthaf*cken self."

Don't let anyone tell you you're not amazing. That you're not an
absolute catch. And especially don't let anyone, especially you, rain on
your parade. Self-esteem is important to every person, but like the first part of it is the truest part-- its your self.

What someone says may make you think you're not as great as you are, but hell it's up to you how much you let petty things that people say affect you.

2010

Dear 2010,

I know that our initial meeting was a bit strained-- I was cursing at the sun through the closed blinds and begging Lady Gaga for a refund on you. But I digress.

I'm writing you to let you know that you will soon be my bitch. Yes, it's true. This year I am going to get my ass in gear, and go H A R D. I'm sure you had plans for me, but I really don't care.

You may have had some romance lined up, but you can save it. I won't have time nor the desire to be courted or wooed. And honestly, I don't have much faith in your taste-- the people you've tried to surround me with so far are not the business. And frankly, 2009 ended on a high note in the guy department and I'd like to let sleeping dogs lie frankly.

Sex is always on the menu as far as I'm concerned but I really don't think I'm going to be having too much of it this year. I know I know, this isn't at all what you were expecting from me, based off what you heard from years past, but this is a new era. Get in line.

My hustle is going to be top shelf this year, so I cannot have you trying to distract, or detour me k? I thought I should write you while we're still getting to know each other and just let you know how this year is going to go down.

Yours truly,
T.

p.s. no. you may not dreg up exes or curveballs.

Tonight and the rest of my life...

...I'm gonna love me more than I love someone else.
...I'm going to do what I need before I consider what someone else wants.
...I'm going to be the baddest bitch I can.
...I'm going to write more often, even if it's just flow of consciousness drivel.
...I'm never going to sell myself short.
...I'm never going to settle.
...I'm going to stick to my guns.
...I won't give in.

...is mine, and I'm doing it right.

I'll have you know

I've grown in all of this. This heartbreak and whatevership nonsense I've put myself through. I've learned all kinds of things.

I've learned what I want and don't want in a boyfriend. I've learned that I am exactly as feminine, sexy, and loveable as I want to be. I've learned that there is such a thing as a person who cares about you enough to know what you want before you want it.

I've also learned that in the event of heartbreak, I've got the best support network anyone could ever ask for. I've learned that hopes and prayers aren't always enough. I've learned that sometimes we just need to let go and let God.

I've learned that it's ok to be afraid to love, but it's not ok to let that hold me back. I've learned that someone not loving you back in the way you want them to isn't the end of your life, it's just a temporary road block-- once you're done letting it define you, it'll dissipate.

I've learned it's okay to wallow, but only for a little bit. I've learned that when you want to cry and scream, to ask your best friend to do it with you, she has stuff to unleash too.

Finally, I've learned that I love him, and I love him for teaching me just how much I love myself and how right I am to do so. Thank you for that, if I can ever repay the favor, please let me know.

Breaking my own heart.

It just doesn't get any easier. No matter what vague advice or psuedo-fortune cookie like bullshit I feed myself. I can blame timing, hormones, and fucking Nicholas Sparks for all I want, but it won't change the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm hurting. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm a million and a half things, all just boiling over under the air tight lid of my facade. But in truth, I'm crushed. I don't know how long this will hurt-- there's never been a formula for it. And it certainly doesn't help that the guy, who stomped on my heart, wasn't even a boyfriend when he did it.

No, I'm practically obliterated over someone who I wasn't important enough to to get him to commit. That's a stupid mistake on my part, and I'll accept my part of the blame there. I'm a fool who hoped that this...this, whatever "this" is, would be something to change my life. And for a time it was.

He changed my outlook, my self esteem and my aversion to intimacy. I won't hold it against him-- my good riddance list for him isn't a great thing any how. I'd like to look back fondly, and wish him well. Not a single part of me wants to wish him ill, on the contrary, I hope and pray he finds a woman who he cannot live without, a woman who will appreciate everything he has to offer. I hope he and this woman life happily ever after.

He's a fantastic guy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel feminine, he never allowed me to think less of myself. He is the third love of my life. I believe in "one person for everyone", but I'm a realist. A single person changes, or should change, over the course of their life, so wouldn't it make sense that what their "soulmate" would entail change with them?

I've changed, and for a time he fits in the LOML position. I didn't, don't and probably won't fit into his, but that's not a requirement for it. I loved and gave whole heartedly...I did everything I could do. Everything I would've wanted done for me.

I love you, but I can't keep breaking my own heart. If I ever fit into the LOML position for you, let me know. Who knows, maybe in the future after you've grown, we'll be what each other is looking for. I wish you laughter, love and a long life.

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!

I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.

I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!

Take it or leave it.

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

"Blue Blanket"

this is a poem sent to me by one of my very closest friends. she is fantastic about knowing me and my limits; she knew I'd appreciate this poem. So I'm putting it up here for everyone to read, please absorb the message. I know exactly what I'm going to teach my son.

"BLUE BLANKET" by Andrea Gibson

still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why

like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could

just like she would
for me
or you
but how much closer to free would any of us be
if even a few of us forgot
what too many women in this world cannot
and i'm thinking
what the hell would you tell your daughter
your someday daughter
when you'd have to hold her beautiful face
to the beat up face of this place
that hasn't learned the meaning of
stop

what would you tell your daughter
of the womb raped empty
the eyes swollen shut
the gut too frightened to hold food
the thousands upon thousands of bodies used and abused
it was seven minutes of the worst kind of hell
seven
and she stopped believing in heaven
distrust became her law
fear her bible
the only chance of survival
don't trust any of them

bolt the doors to your home
iron gate your windows
walking to your car alone
get the keys in the lock
please please please please open
like already you can feel
that five fingered noose around your neck
two hundred pounds of hatred
digging graves into the sacred soil of your flesh

please please please please open
already you're choking for your breath
listening for the broken record of the defense
answer the question
answer the question
answer the question miss

why am i on trial for this

would you talk to your daughter
your sister your mother like this
i am generations of daughters sisters mothers
our bodies battlefields
war grounds
beneath the weapons of your brother's hands
do you know they've found land mines
in broken women's souls
black holes in the parts of their hearts
that once sang symphonies of creation
bright as the light on infinity's halo

she says
i remember the way love
used to glow like glitter on my skin
before he made his way in
now every touch feels like a sin
that could crucify medusa kali oshun mary
bury me in a blue blanket
so their god doesn't know i'm a girl
cut off my curls
i want peace when i'm dead

her friend knocks at the door
it's been three weeks
don't you think it's time you got out of bed

no
the ceiling fan still feels like his breath
i think i need just a couple more days of rest
please

bruises on her knees from praying to forget
she's heard stories of vietnam vets
who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs
she's wondering how many women are walking around this world
feeling the tingling of their amputated wings
remembering what it was to fly to sing

tonight she's not wondering
what she would tell her daughter
she knows what she would tell her daughter
she'd ask her
what gods do you believe in
i'll build you a temple of mirrors so you can see them!

pick the brightest star you've ever wished on
i'll show you the light in you
that made that wish come true!

tonight she's not asking
you what you would tell your daughter
she's life deep in the hell---the slaughter
has already died a thousand deaths with every unsteady breath
a thousand graves in every pore of her flesh
and she knows the war's not over
knows there's bleeding to come
knows she's far from the only woman or girl
trusting this world no more than the hands
trust rusted barbed wire
she was whole before that night
believed in heaven before that night
and she's not the only one
she knows she won't be the only one

she's not asking what you're gonna tell your daughter
she asking what you're gonna teach

your son

I'm being swallowed up.

I feel entirely consumed with apathy, lightly seasoned of course with grief and self hatred. I have no earthly idea what brought about this shitty day, but they come and go. I used to go years without one, but as time went on they're more frequent and they stay longer-- I've had to initiate a 24 hour rule on myself. I'll allow myself to feel like this for one day, but after that I've got to snap out of it or try not to dwell on it.

Years of self-hatred, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment and utter sadness seemingly bottled up to enjoy in the concentrated, condensed form? Who wouldn't want some? Who doesn't want to feel like they're not safe in their own home, in their own body, in their own mind? Certainly not me! I love feeling like a walking mental case, a ticking time bomb of emotional unrest. Mmmmhhh, that's me, the train wreck.

I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm really over thinking this way. I finally love myself, and at the same time I feel like I've just set myself over a greater distance to fall. It's times like this the similar broken examples of humanity would turn to cutting, to drugs, to sex-- me, I tried using all of the aforementioned as crutches in their own time. Nothing held the allure of self-destruction, of self-annihilation though, and I felt that was further proof of my broken mind-- I don't want to be me anymore, but can't find a weapon of choice.

This is why I'm fucked up: my mood swings are wide and vast, this will be over, with any luck, by morning; I crave love because it feels like it fixes the broken bits of me; I need sex because it eases the pain of the past; I can't shake that feeling that something bad will happen during times where it really has no bearing. I just really don't know what to do with myself at this point in time.

I was once told I was someone's rock, I was their emotional foundation-- they killed themselves. How does that make me feel? I've been used, abused, screwed, fucked, bruised, killed, and everything you could think of-- I'm not a total fuck up, I'm not some whore, I'm not a mass murdering psychopath. If anything my totally cocked up life would grant me some kind of peace now that I'm out of the gambit, but no, instead I've got demons to fight in my own subconcious.

I don't make sense any more.

I'm not even asking you to change your Facebook status.

I was up late talking to Candice after hanging out with friends and we really talked for a long time about guys and relationshits, and we've noticed a trend. In many cases, the female is the sole pursuer and the guy is just sitting in the wings, waiting to be fetched. Dude, I don't have time for that-- I'm a busy bitch.

I don't have time for a relationshit, but I still want that companionship that comes with it you know? I'm not asking you to marry me, I certainly am not asking you to rearrange your life around me (because God knows I won't for you), and don't assume I want you to be anything you don't want to be. In all honesty if I could in a way "rent" a boyfriend that'd take the cake.

I just want a boy I can have some laughs with, have fun, seriously talk to and kiss. That's quite literally all I have time for haha time for friends, so any guy I'm with would be like a glorified friend-with-benefits. We don't have to be exclusive, nor text everyday, just as long as when we're together its just me. I am open minded to a fault, but I will not take feeling used, or cheap.

I don't want weekly dates nor do I need us to constantly be together. I'm independent and busy as hell, so if our time together could be like a mini vacation almost, that'd be excellent. Maybe when one of us has a crazy test, afterwards we could hang out and just unwind, or even study together for midterms. That'd be charming and very thoughtful. However, I'm not saying I just want to stay in, that gets tiresome. Take me out when I've been in a mood, or just surprise me.

I want to be able to talk -- like really T A L K-- to a guy, about serious and trivial things. I don't like having to make all conversation on my own, and then get a look like "what is she going on about?" If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo in. There's very little that's sexier or more intriguing than a guy who can hold his own in a debate with me or can actually teach me something I didn't know. But don't get cocky, please, arrogance is not attractive on anyone. Self-confidence and self-assurance are both very great qualities for a guy to have, but once you reach doucher levels and cross into arrogant twat, then we've got a problem.

I'm not asking for you to buy me anything, I'm not asking for us to get a dog together, I'm not even asking you to move in with me. I just want a guy to make me feel special and like a lady, I just want a guy to fit and at the same time not fit so we'll have separate lives. I don't want a boyfriend, per say, I want someone to fit my idea of a boyfriend, because frankly I don't have time for much more than that. I'd like my "boyfriend" to be busy as well, so I'm not feeling like I have to hold back and entertain you.

If you are intimidated by someone who knows what they want or how they want it, you need not even apply. I'm not even asking for submissions, just keep in mind that not all girls need constant attention, nor showers of praise; if you tried that I'd just assume you were lying half the time anyway. I just am tired of people saying that I don't know what I want or that I'm too picky-- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm straight forward and don't have time for bullshit, so if that makes me an undate-able bitch in your mind, then so be it-- I don't have time for boys, sissies or idiots.

I need a man to be a man. I'm tired of always having to be the guy, to be the pursuer. I want to be wooed, pursued and seduced just as much as the next girl, so stop acting like I signed up to be the boy. I'm not saying I want you to open doors or order at restaurants for me, but no means would I ever mean that, I just want a guy to step up to the plate, take the lead, the initiative.

I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for the universe tucked into a Juicy purse, I won't even ask you to change your Facebook status, something so trivial and small, all I ask is you be a guy I can laugh with, talk to, kiss and escape reality with for a bit.

oh me oh my.

Life is a tad jumbled now, hence the gap in posting. But holiday season is kicking in so I've practically sold my soul to the Dirrty Bird ©. Let's get a jump on this post shall we?

I recently got my body touched, and that opened an entire can of worms. He's got a girlfriend, and I figured that'd work to my benefit because I'm not looking for a relationshit. Well, he's crumbled under the pressure I guess, because he's dropped the ball. That's not the annoying part-- it's the regression he's suddenly taken. It's very junior high: the slinking around in my view in the hopes to make me watch him, the talking about me with his friends so there's a little mob throwing not-subtle-at-all glances my way, the whole NOT TEXTING thing. ugh, ridiculous. We're both adults, let's handle this in an adult way. Whatever.

I'm so overwhelmed lately that I've taken a mental health week, but now I need to get back in the grind. I need to finish "Haunted", my prompt book for "Pygmalion", my set design for "Antony and Cleopatra", and the 30 billion other things I've pushed back. I don't want to get behind schedule, but I also don't need a mental break down. That would push the schedule even further, and we can't have that. Oh crap, that reminds me, I've got to start working on my monologues and my USC essays.

I am reaffirming something I've believed in all my life: you should only fall in love if you've got an amazing story behind it. You're going to have to retell this story at PTA functions, your wedding, dinner parties, etc, so why not have a great story to tell? I refuse to fall in love unless we've got an interesting story to tell, I am fabulous enough for an even greater love than "high school sweethearts" or whatever, so I am going to demand what I deserve.

My friends are fantastic, and supportive, and hilarious. Throughout everything I'm going through, mucking around in or avoiding they've got something to offer. Thanks you guys for being amazing and keeping me sane =]

Rejected.

At this point, being in this house is hurting me: emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm physically ill because of the depression that just hits me the longer I'm under this roof. Emotionally everything that happens is just another load on my already crushed back, and I'm at that point where all I can do is lay on my floor and bawl. Mentally, I'm sinking back into my old ways-- I'm fighting it with all I have but I can't do this alone.

My mother, one of the reasons I went into depression in my dark ages, has settled back into her old ways it seems. I'm being ignored and rejected over a misunderstanding-- one she didn't even want to hear my side of and just called me a liar over. This is how it always is between us. I'll do something below her standards or upset her, I'll be systematically ignored, alienated and rejected by my entire family under her orders. There's no better way to make someone feel useless than to show them that you care more about other things than their own flesh and blood. They're likely to drive me to my grave before they realize that I'm cracking. I'm putting on a brave face, but it really does cut deep, thinking that no one loves you.

I'm not welcome in my own house by my own family. How is that supposed to make me feel? Warm and toasty inside? No. I feel utterly insignificant, I feel invisible, I feel unloved. I feel like one day I'm going to come home and find the locks changed and all my stuff gone. My stuff is already mysteriously vanishing throughout the house and when I was looking for some of it earlier I was regarded and then ignored in the same breath. That's how I know she has it, and isn't going to give it back. It's so good to know that my family is so mature.

My only solace is that this time I know that these feelings aren't true this time. I know that I'm loved, and cared for. That I'm needed and wanted--even if its not by my family. I just pray with everything I have that they don't stop loving my brothers like they do me. I couldn't handle it knowing that Deezle or Petuhcha were to be crying themselves to sleep, in the shower, and on the ride to school.

I am so overwhelmed with life that I need my family to help me to support me, but I can't even get the to acknowledge my existence. This doesn't bode well for the rest of my punctuated life. I just have no way of waving a white flag for a truce; this mind fuck continues until I'm good and broken. I can't keep living like this, it's like waiting till I'm dying.

Ignorance is an epidemic.

Today at work, Dustin, the douche bag I work with, was telling me about how he's going to join the Marines so he can "kick down doors and kill terrorists". He's an idiot and a war monger. That's not what the Marines or any form of militarism is about. We aren't supposed to be the "world police" that's the UN's job. The military is supposed to be used to keep our defense and that's it. The whole "war on terrorism" has become a joke. it started with the best of intentions and a great plan, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. we left the path we meant to head on, when we entered Iraq for oil.

Also, I found out today that in a recent poll about 55% of young voters are voting for Prop 8. The one that is against gay marriage. It goes against what our whole constitution is about, "freedom, and the pursuit of happiness" and all that jazz. By telling a group of people they are not eligible for the same benefits and rights as other Americans because of their sexual preference, we're no better than other fascist countries. If straight people can make a mockery of marriage, why can't gay couples give it an honest try?

Finally, to end my little rant, people are saying we shouldn't cut the military budget to allot more money for education and healthcare, because we need to "keep our defense up". UGH. Honestly, the only reason we spend so much is because suddenly we feel the need to fix other countries' shit, but abandon our domestic front. Unless we up the funding for education, we're never going to be able to compete on the world market, let alone keep the little respect other countries have for us.

Here's a word to the wise, please don't talk to me about things you know nothing about. All it will do is annoy me and make me want to rip you a new one.

when the fortune cookie speaks, you listen.

"you will become more passionate and determined about your vision."

A fortune cookie told me what I already knew, and at first I laughed it off, but later that evening Chelle suggested offhandedly we compile our views into book(s). And I was thinking, we TOTALLY should! haha so once we finish what's on our plates, we're going to start throwing ideas around and get a manuscript written. It'll be our views and beliefs about love, life, dreams and everything in between.

Speaking of books, I've created a mini book list! haha "Therese's Book Club" has its own list now:
>> "Confessions of a Working Girl" Miss S
>> "Good Girl Gone Bad" Karin Tabke
>> "Skin" Karin Tabke
>> "Go Ask Alice" Anonymous
>> "Falling Leaves" Adeline Yen Mah
>> "Lolita" Vladimir Nabokov
>> "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings" Tyler Perry
>> "Diary of a Sex Fiend" Abby Lee

That's the list for now, I've got a feeling I may add more as I'm reading new ones.

And it just keeps rushing in.

I've not only purged myself of past relationships, but put my life in perspective tonight. Then two of my favorite people reminded me of how loved I am, and how I deserve to be loved. This amazing, can't-live-without-it love isn't found from some relationshit with a guy who doesn't really get me, nor is it from some "IT" bag. Its from the people who matter most-- myself, and the people who know me better than I know myself.

My Other Half, in her amazing literary talent, expressed how we feel about dating in relation to our plans for life, and it reminded me that I deserve to be with a man who not only has aspirations of his own but will appreciate, support and aid in mine. I deserve to have my goals accomplished, despite what the world may think, and that the only person who has any say in it is me. God's given me the tools, its on me to make it happen.

My Gay, with not quite as much flourish as my Other Half, reminded me that I am needed and loved. There are people who consider me a comfort, a teacher, a friend--a hetero. I am missed, I am wanted, even though there are times when I don't want to be around myself. He's reminded me that though there are times when I'm an outcast in this house, there's a home waiting for me to come back to it.

I love you both, I couldn't keep sane if it weren't for you two being on my wavelength and knowing when I need your words of wisdom and comfort just when I need it.

"Find arms that will hold you at your weakest,
Eyes that will see you at your ugliest,
Heart that will love at your worst,
If you have found it,
You have found love."
Maybe they weren't talking about a relationshit, maybe they were talking about friendship beyond the bounds of normal friendship. They were talking about the friends who have become your family. Thank you for being my family.

degrees of love

falling out of love isn't covered as much as falling in love is, in movies && books. so sadly there's no operating manual for life when you no longer are in love with the person you love. sure you'll always love them, i believe, but in a small (eventually insignificant) way.

once a person is a big part of your life, you'll love them as a friend or family or a bittersweet memory. and when the latter tries to make a reentry to your life, their transgressions seemingly "forgiven and forgotten" on their end, you tend to get a little upset. which is COMPLETELY justified.