I'll have you know

I've grown in all of this. This heartbreak and whatevership nonsense I've put myself through. I've learned all kinds of things.

I've learned what I want and don't want in a boyfriend. I've learned that I am exactly as feminine, sexy, and loveable as I want to be. I've learned that there is such a thing as a person who cares about you enough to know what you want before you want it.

I've also learned that in the event of heartbreak, I've got the best support network anyone could ever ask for. I've learned that hopes and prayers aren't always enough. I've learned that sometimes we just need to let go and let God.

I've learned that it's ok to be afraid to love, but it's not ok to let that hold me back. I've learned that someone not loving you back in the way you want them to isn't the end of your life, it's just a temporary road block-- once you're done letting it define you, it'll dissipate.

I've learned it's okay to wallow, but only for a little bit. I've learned that when you want to cry and scream, to ask your best friend to do it with you, she has stuff to unleash too.

Finally, I've learned that I love him, and I love him for teaching me just how much I love myself and how right I am to do so. Thank you for that, if I can ever repay the favor, please let me know.

It's been hard.

I literally feel like I've dug a big hole and am now sitting in it, looking up at the sky as it moves, hearing people talk and laugh as they pass by my little fort, and little by little my hole starts to feel more and more like a grave.

It's all falling to hell and I really feel like this is only the beginning of the craziness my life is going to become.

saboteur.

I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.

I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.

I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.

Utterly undeniable.

I've spent this week in the company of others, and I've realized that I really really miss my California people, and I need more alone time.

I have had just about everyone around me be on my last nerve at least once, and I just want a vacation away from them all. I'm so stressed with contest show that I'm considering divorcing myself from everyone just like last year haha

I need more time with just me; just about the only time I've been alone the past few weeks are when I'm asleep. Sometimes I need to be with others, but lately I've been missing alone time. Stolen moments and sleep aren't enough.

What's done is done...

...and needlessly holding onto anger isn't going to change the fact that it's finished. I understand your pride might be a bit wounded, but really, we're going to go an entire week of avoiding each other and not speaking over this? My mother found out I have a tattoo and is utterly PISSED off, and while I understand her anger, this irrational punishment she's doing isn't going to make the tattoo go away or make me want it any less. So she might want to rethink her tactics.

I'm trying so hard to finish my student direct, but my migraines are so bad I can't see straight sometimes. This show is emotionally draining to write to begin with, but with the stress from my mother, the show and school on top of it, it's a wonder I haven't just thrown in the towel.

I know you love me and all...

My mother is really grating on me lately. I know she wants to make sure I don't fuck things up again, or do things wrong, but this micromanaging has got to stop. It irritates me and makes me want to do things wrong just to spite her; if she would just speak her piece and then be done with it, that'd be one thing. But oh no! She's got to control every step and tell you what you're doing wrong every step of the way.

Really, this is my life, and even if you walk me through everything I'll still find my own mistakes and things like that. You didn't have to deal with the same life I have now, so please stop pretending like you've been in my shoes and just guide me? Don't lead, because I won't follow.

I'm being swallowed up.

I feel entirely consumed with apathy, lightly seasoned of course with grief and self hatred. I have no earthly idea what brought about this shitty day, but they come and go. I used to go years without one, but as time went on they're more frequent and they stay longer-- I've had to initiate a 24 hour rule on myself. I'll allow myself to feel like this for one day, but after that I've got to snap out of it or try not to dwell on it.

Years of self-hatred, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment and utter sadness seemingly bottled up to enjoy in the concentrated, condensed form? Who wouldn't want some? Who doesn't want to feel like they're not safe in their own home, in their own body, in their own mind? Certainly not me! I love feeling like a walking mental case, a ticking time bomb of emotional unrest. Mmmmhhh, that's me, the train wreck.

I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm really over thinking this way. I finally love myself, and at the same time I feel like I've just set myself over a greater distance to fall. It's times like this the similar broken examples of humanity would turn to cutting, to drugs, to sex-- me, I tried using all of the aforementioned as crutches in their own time. Nothing held the allure of self-destruction, of self-annihilation though, and I felt that was further proof of my broken mind-- I don't want to be me anymore, but can't find a weapon of choice.

This is why I'm fucked up: my mood swings are wide and vast, this will be over, with any luck, by morning; I crave love because it feels like it fixes the broken bits of me; I need sex because it eases the pain of the past; I can't shake that feeling that something bad will happen during times where it really has no bearing. I just really don't know what to do with myself at this point in time.

I was once told I was someone's rock, I was their emotional foundation-- they killed themselves. How does that make me feel? I've been used, abused, screwed, fucked, bruised, killed, and everything you could think of-- I'm not a total fuck up, I'm not some whore, I'm not a mass murdering psychopath. If anything my totally cocked up life would grant me some kind of peace now that I'm out of the gambit, but no, instead I've got demons to fight in my own subconcious.

I don't make sense any more.

I'm not even asking you to change your Facebook status.

I was up late talking to Candice after hanging out with friends and we really talked for a long time about guys and relationshits, and we've noticed a trend. In many cases, the female is the sole pursuer and the guy is just sitting in the wings, waiting to be fetched. Dude, I don't have time for that-- I'm a busy bitch.

I don't have time for a relationshit, but I still want that companionship that comes with it you know? I'm not asking you to marry me, I certainly am not asking you to rearrange your life around me (because God knows I won't for you), and don't assume I want you to be anything you don't want to be. In all honesty if I could in a way "rent" a boyfriend that'd take the cake.

I just want a boy I can have some laughs with, have fun, seriously talk to and kiss. That's quite literally all I have time for haha time for friends, so any guy I'm with would be like a glorified friend-with-benefits. We don't have to be exclusive, nor text everyday, just as long as when we're together its just me. I am open minded to a fault, but I will not take feeling used, or cheap.

I don't want weekly dates nor do I need us to constantly be together. I'm independent and busy as hell, so if our time together could be like a mini vacation almost, that'd be excellent. Maybe when one of us has a crazy test, afterwards we could hang out and just unwind, or even study together for midterms. That'd be charming and very thoughtful. However, I'm not saying I just want to stay in, that gets tiresome. Take me out when I've been in a mood, or just surprise me.

I want to be able to talk -- like really T A L K-- to a guy, about serious and trivial things. I don't like having to make all conversation on my own, and then get a look like "what is she going on about?" If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo in. There's very little that's sexier or more intriguing than a guy who can hold his own in a debate with me or can actually teach me something I didn't know. But don't get cocky, please, arrogance is not attractive on anyone. Self-confidence and self-assurance are both very great qualities for a guy to have, but once you reach doucher levels and cross into arrogant twat, then we've got a problem.

I'm not asking for you to buy me anything, I'm not asking for us to get a dog together, I'm not even asking you to move in with me. I just want a guy to make me feel special and like a lady, I just want a guy to fit and at the same time not fit so we'll have separate lives. I don't want a boyfriend, per say, I want someone to fit my idea of a boyfriend, because frankly I don't have time for much more than that. I'd like my "boyfriend" to be busy as well, so I'm not feeling like I have to hold back and entertain you.

If you are intimidated by someone who knows what they want or how they want it, you need not even apply. I'm not even asking for submissions, just keep in mind that not all girls need constant attention, nor showers of praise; if you tried that I'd just assume you were lying half the time anyway. I just am tired of people saying that I don't know what I want or that I'm too picky-- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm straight forward and don't have time for bullshit, so if that makes me an undate-able bitch in your mind, then so be it-- I don't have time for boys, sissies or idiots.

I need a man to be a man. I'm tired of always having to be the guy, to be the pursuer. I want to be wooed, pursued and seduced just as much as the next girl, so stop acting like I signed up to be the boy. I'm not saying I want you to open doors or order at restaurants for me, but no means would I ever mean that, I just want a guy to step up to the plate, take the lead, the initiative.

I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for the universe tucked into a Juicy purse, I won't even ask you to change your Facebook status, something so trivial and small, all I ask is you be a guy I can laugh with, talk to, kiss and escape reality with for a bit.

It comes down to this.

This is a blog of everything I'd like to say to Brian, my aunt's exhusband. I've had a hard few days, and I think a purge is just what I need:

I have to constantly tell myself that you aren't the issue anymore. I need to shake the dust of you, and sadly to this day it hurts. You took away my innocence, and my trust of all men. To this day when I'm alone with a man I have to reassure myself that I'm not going to be hurt. I have to remind myself that I will never allow myself to be a victim again, and that I have surrounded myself with people who won't allow it either. When someone brings up rape, molestation or sexual battery I cringe internally-- my heart literally free falls into my stomach where it has seizures. Sadly, for the longest time I've thought that I should have done something, said something to stop you. But I know now that it wouldn't have done me any good, and it's not my fault. It's not my fault you're a fucked up, pathetic guy-- a sad lost little boy who has to molest kids to get his jollies. There's no excusing what you've done, there's no apology or explanation you could give me that would justify it. And if you ever even tried I'd rip you apart with my bare fucking hands, but as it is you'll never try. You're proud, for whatever reason, and for you to admit you're in the wrong goes against your grain. So I'll just fill in the blanks and forgive you. I'll forgive you for ruining my life, for ruining my innocence, for ruining my childhood, for ruining my hopes for ever living a normal life. But I'll be damned if I ever trust you or forget what you've done. I won't be like you, this cycle of abuse ends with me. I couldn't, and never would cause someone to feel like I have for years. Self-hatred, pity, remorse, disgust, depression, anger-- all for something they had no say in, no control over. NEVER. I won't come after you, and I won't tell my father-- more for his sake than yours, though you do deserve for him to come after you and make you suffer-- instead I'll leave it in God's hands. He'll deal with you more justly than I could ever imagine. Enjoy the rest of your tainted, empty, and evil life-- I just hope the afterlife is worth it for your horrible life. But I will give you this warning, if you do ANYTHING to my cousins, or any one else in my family, I will do something about it. I can promise that with everything I am or ever will be.

you are so amazingly wrong for me

It continues to surprise me when I realize how completely off base some people's lives are. They have no direction or sense of purpose. I may feel completely overwhelmed at times, but at least it's all building up for something.

There may be times when I feel like I've lost my center, and I'm like a boat lost at see with no rudder, sail or compass. But at least I've got a support system, and a group of people who know me through and through and I can dump my problems into their lap and they'll just sort through it and give me a solution I'd never have seen.

I might be out of sorts, a bitch, and scatter-brained, but I'm single-minded to the point of recklessness, driven, and straight forward. When I'm big, famous and in your face, you'll realize that I called this ages back. I didn't stop working towards it, even when I was drowning in hard times, confusion and frustrations.

It'll take more than anything this life can dish out to me. God led me to it, He'll lead me through it, and best believe our plan involves me changing the world.

in all that noise.

Today I was working and realized that I really do give too much of myself to people. While that's good in the sense that people know they can turn to me and there are people who depend on me. It also means that there is little to no reciprocation on that "shoulder-to-cry-on" relationship. Honestly, how hard is it to listen to someone when they need to vent? How hard is it to be a soundboard for someone's hopes, fears, dreams and despairs? ITS NOT HARD; I do it on a regular basis, but I have very few people I know will drop what they're doing for 20 minutes to listen to me blather on and on about nothing until a gem pops out and all they'll do is smile and say "I knew you'd find it". That's a working, loving balanced friendship-- what the hell is wrong with the rest of you?

oh me oh my.

Life is a tad jumbled now, hence the gap in posting. But holiday season is kicking in so I've practically sold my soul to the Dirrty Bird ©. Let's get a jump on this post shall we?

I recently got my body touched, and that opened an entire can of worms. He's got a girlfriend, and I figured that'd work to my benefit because I'm not looking for a relationshit. Well, he's crumbled under the pressure I guess, because he's dropped the ball. That's not the annoying part-- it's the regression he's suddenly taken. It's very junior high: the slinking around in my view in the hopes to make me watch him, the talking about me with his friends so there's a little mob throwing not-subtle-at-all glances my way, the whole NOT TEXTING thing. ugh, ridiculous. We're both adults, let's handle this in an adult way. Whatever.

I'm so overwhelmed lately that I've taken a mental health week, but now I need to get back in the grind. I need to finish "Haunted", my prompt book for "Pygmalion", my set design for "Antony and Cleopatra", and the 30 billion other things I've pushed back. I don't want to get behind schedule, but I also don't need a mental break down. That would push the schedule even further, and we can't have that. Oh crap, that reminds me, I've got to start working on my monologues and my USC essays.

I am reaffirming something I've believed in all my life: you should only fall in love if you've got an amazing story behind it. You're going to have to retell this story at PTA functions, your wedding, dinner parties, etc, so why not have a great story to tell? I refuse to fall in love unless we've got an interesting story to tell, I am fabulous enough for an even greater love than "high school sweethearts" or whatever, so I am going to demand what I deserve.

My friends are fantastic, and supportive, and hilarious. Throughout everything I'm going through, mucking around in or avoiding they've got something to offer. Thanks you guys for being amazing and keeping me sane =]

Rejected.

At this point, being in this house is hurting me: emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm physically ill because of the depression that just hits me the longer I'm under this roof. Emotionally everything that happens is just another load on my already crushed back, and I'm at that point where all I can do is lay on my floor and bawl. Mentally, I'm sinking back into my old ways-- I'm fighting it with all I have but I can't do this alone.

My mother, one of the reasons I went into depression in my dark ages, has settled back into her old ways it seems. I'm being ignored and rejected over a misunderstanding-- one she didn't even want to hear my side of and just called me a liar over. This is how it always is between us. I'll do something below her standards or upset her, I'll be systematically ignored, alienated and rejected by my entire family under her orders. There's no better way to make someone feel useless than to show them that you care more about other things than their own flesh and blood. They're likely to drive me to my grave before they realize that I'm cracking. I'm putting on a brave face, but it really does cut deep, thinking that no one loves you.

I'm not welcome in my own house by my own family. How is that supposed to make me feel? Warm and toasty inside? No. I feel utterly insignificant, I feel invisible, I feel unloved. I feel like one day I'm going to come home and find the locks changed and all my stuff gone. My stuff is already mysteriously vanishing throughout the house and when I was looking for some of it earlier I was regarded and then ignored in the same breath. That's how I know she has it, and isn't going to give it back. It's so good to know that my family is so mature.

My only solace is that this time I know that these feelings aren't true this time. I know that I'm loved, and cared for. That I'm needed and wanted--even if its not by my family. I just pray with everything I have that they don't stop loving my brothers like they do me. I couldn't handle it knowing that Deezle or Petuhcha were to be crying themselves to sleep, in the shower, and on the ride to school.

I am so overwhelmed with life that I need my family to help me to support me, but I can't even get the to acknowledge my existence. This doesn't bode well for the rest of my punctuated life. I just have no way of waving a white flag for a truce; this mind fuck continues until I'm good and broken. I can't keep living like this, it's like waiting till I'm dying.

Ignorance is an epidemic.

Today at work, Dustin, the douche bag I work with, was telling me about how he's going to join the Marines so he can "kick down doors and kill terrorists". He's an idiot and a war monger. That's not what the Marines or any form of militarism is about. We aren't supposed to be the "world police" that's the UN's job. The military is supposed to be used to keep our defense and that's it. The whole "war on terrorism" has become a joke. it started with the best of intentions and a great plan, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. we left the path we meant to head on, when we entered Iraq for oil.

Also, I found out today that in a recent poll about 55% of young voters are voting for Prop 8. The one that is against gay marriage. It goes against what our whole constitution is about, "freedom, and the pursuit of happiness" and all that jazz. By telling a group of people they are not eligible for the same benefits and rights as other Americans because of their sexual preference, we're no better than other fascist countries. If straight people can make a mockery of marriage, why can't gay couples give it an honest try?

Finally, to end my little rant, people are saying we shouldn't cut the military budget to allot more money for education and healthcare, because we need to "keep our defense up". UGH. Honestly, the only reason we spend so much is because suddenly we feel the need to fix other countries' shit, but abandon our domestic front. Unless we up the funding for education, we're never going to be able to compete on the world market, let alone keep the little respect other countries have for us.

Here's a word to the wise, please don't talk to me about things you know nothing about. All it will do is annoy me and make me want to rip you a new one.

false advertisement.

I signed up for this class thinking it would be a government class, you know, a class about the structure and the inner workings. that way I'd have a better idea of what I'm up against whilst running the world. I expected a few debates to keep things interesting and engaging.

Instead, I got a teacher who talks solely about the history of the government and it's influences. And an online class, because it is a surprise hybrid class, that no one follows, and the assignments are randomly entered with no warning.

I think I'd learn more by joining political groups and compiling their knowledge.

If you're not going to teach, don't become a teacher. If you want to just hear yourself talk, get a degree in communications and be a spokesperson for some corporation. Don't waste our time with your half-ass attempts to teach.

Lust overload.

Why is it when I really REALLY need a throw-me-down, kiss-me-senseless, so-passionate-the-neighbors-need-a-cigarette sex session, there's no one who fits the bill? Where's one of them when I need them?!

Its starting to take a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I've got aches and pains; I've got headaches and moodswings. Glory, for the sake of everyone around me, I need my body touched.

Sex is literally a cure-all. and let me tell you something, I may not have time for a relationshit, but I certainly have time for sex. It doesn't help that I only have eyes for Gaspard Ulliel, either.

Oh, I had a fabulous dream the other night about Gaspard Ulliel. Mmm, it was sexual, and sweet and let me tell you something...it made me wake up rabid as the dickens.

first loves, new loves && loves rekindled.

I started working at American Eagle again, and those kids are just as crazy and fun as I remember them! But retail...ugh. If you've never worked in retail, you won't understand what I mean when I say it's a love-hate relationship. It never gets old, because everyday is something new to do, and there's all kinds of shenanigans that can happen in a single shift during retail. From crazy soccer moms losing their shit over returns to a couple trying to have fellatio in the fitting rooms to finding a used tampon under a table somewhere. But there's also rude people, thieves and all kinds of rude people who treat you like crap. Just because I'm there to help you and serve you doesn't make me a servant--it doesn't make me less of a human. I'm working to support myself just like you are, the only difference is material. So please step down from your high horse and treat me with a little respect. Civility is appreciated.

True to form, Scott not only welcomed me back like the Prodigal Child, but launched right back into one of our music talks. Gym Class Heroes, K-os and Paolo Nutini I liked before, but he gave me the CD's I've been looking for and I've fallen in LOVE with these artists. GCH's album "The Papercut Chronicles" is utterly brilliant--dark, but brilliant. And dare I say, what I think is their best album. k-os never disappoints, both albums are seamless and he's so smooth. Paolo Nutini's crooning is so tender and sweet--a guilty AE alum pleasure.

Aahh, and a conversation with Chelle about Regina Spektor, Fiona Apple, Duffy && Adele has sparked interest in their music besides what I just have on my ipod. We've gotten me interested in lyrical expression, and I really wish I could write songs as gorgeous as these women, Chelle included. Haha but Chelle's right, I'll dabble, just as she'll dabble in dance, and our main focus will always be acting and theatre.
Oh! In theatre, we've lost a week and a half of rehearsal, but we're pushing on and picking up the pace. It's like we haven't lost anytime and in fact, we're able to fine tune things we didn't feel were smooth. This show isn't going to disappoint and I'm proud of the cast--we've had many a setback, from someone dropping out before our first rehearsal to losing a week, but we're still in this together. Theatre is like a family because we all depend on each other for support, help and cohesion. If someone's not pulling their weight, then the whole cast looks ridiculous.

wow. even now it hurts.

this started as a blog about rude drivers and crazy conservatives harassing me. and instead its become a blog about how even hearing about other people being molested or raped hurts my heart. i think it's my overwhelming sense of compassion. i get sympathy pains over anything--and something that huge just cuts me.

being molested and raped--that entire sense of violation--can decimate you. the utter lack of control over your life makes you feel so insignificant. it's impossible to describe, impossible to understand unless you've been there first. i've forgiven, and moved on, but still it hurts.

i can say that as a person who's risen past sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse; i am stronger than anything that may come at me. i'm a boss bitch, and i have the baggage to prove that i've survived anything you have. but its still baggage i've got to carry.

i'll carry it so that when i'm famous i can help other people like me. other people who've lived past the worst of the human condition, can see that it won't make or break you unless you let it. you can try to doubt me, you can even say you're better. but believe me, i'm going to the stars. ad astra per aspera.

to my family.

must be nice
to be the favorite child.
to be the loved child.
to be wanted.
to be a part of a family.

i've always been the scape goat;
so it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
that's a lie.
it hurts just as much as the first time--
only fiercer. because it's built up.

"when you're going downhill, it gets faster towards the bottom"
and right now, i feel like it maybe bottoming out.
a relief and a worry at once.
a relief because its drawing to an end.
a worry because i'm not sure if the end will be on my terms or yours.

either way, i'm going to be on my own.
and i'll finally be able to love myself,
without being reminded of how much i'm not.

i am so proud of who i'm becoming,
and i just wish you could be too.
but i have a feeling you won't be until i've accomplished everything.
then you'll swear up and down you knew it all along.

i love me, for once.
why can't you love me too?
as is, nothing more, nothing less.
therese crews, flawed and brilliant.
not some fantasy you've built up in your head since i was in the womb.

this is my life. not yours.
please let me live it,
please watch me live it.
please want to be a part of it.

would you really cast me out, just like that?
leave me to the wolves, and never spare me a second thought?
you go on and on about how family comes first, and lasts past everything else.
yet, if i go about my own devices, i'm really on my own?

contradictions have always been a part of our relationship,
so i can't really expect anything else, now can i?
i love you, but i can't live with you.
i won't be driven mad again, to suicide.

i just pray that when i do go,
you'll know i leave part of me with you.
and i pray you'll give me a part of you to take with me.
that you'll think of this as me going on my path,
and not as a rebellion.

support me.
love me.
be a part of my life.

catharsis; purged; free.

have you ever wondered why you can bawl your eyes out at a movie and still love it? like why movies we laugh at, a year later forget, but we'll never shake the way the tragedy gripped us? this is why.

ca·thar·sis Listen to the pronunciation of catharsis
Pronunciation:
\kə-ˈthär-səs\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural ca·thar·ses Listen to the pronunciation of catharses \-ˌsēz\
Etymology:
New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
Date:
circa 1775

1: purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art


its a purge of emotions; like wringing out a sponge. now, that catharsis is freeing because it doesn't keep you muddled up. it empties you of all the excess you've been hoarding and right now in my life, for the first time in a long time, i feel like i'm going through my catharsis and i'm going to come out of it more driven than ever. which is what i really need right now.

chelle and i have been talking about whoremones and their tendency to lead you towards romance, weddings, and mushy shit we don't have time for. but right now just thinking about a relationshit has me....indifferent. i know i don't need a guy to complete me, make me feel better, or take care of me. so what purpose can a guy possibly serve? NOTHING. that's it.

so why waste valuable time and effort on it? i'm not going to. i'm a bitch with deadlines, and if i'm going to be moving back home by this summer [[which best believe is about a done deal]] then i've gotta keep my nose to the grind. i'm already sadly behind schedule, and i've had to move deadlines around. NO MORE.

this year i've got the following goals and God willing, i'm going to accomplish them all:
[[1]] finish writing my student direct
[[2]] finish my writing
[[3]] get published
[[4]] move back to california
[[5]] audition and get into usc
[[6]] get situated with scholarships and a job
[[7]] begin my plan take over the world =]

so as you can see this year is pretty jam packed. so i don't have time for wishywashy immature fools, nor do i want to waste my time. i'm a busy boss bitch. get in line, or get out of my way.

don't try to hold me down with words and empty promises. i'm smarter than that, and if you think all it'll take to snare me is a few touches and kisses, mixed with the right words and looks then you're in for a rude awakening. i can use 'em and abuse 'em like the worst of them, but i'm classier than that. so you probably won't get the chance to even put your theory to the test. and even if you did, you'd end up getting played like the fool you are. so let's save you the embarrassment and me the time, and just not, k?

i've got my life in perspective, and adjusting my course. maybe instead of analyzing mine, and telling me how much i'm going to fail, you should look at your own life. you might find that what you're saying about others applies more to you and your lack of guidance.