2010

Dear 2010,

I know that our initial meeting was a bit strained-- I was cursing at the sun through the closed blinds and begging Lady Gaga for a refund on you. But I digress.

I'm writing you to let you know that you will soon be my bitch. Yes, it's true. This year I am going to get my ass in gear, and go H A R D. I'm sure you had plans for me, but I really don't care.

You may have had some romance lined up, but you can save it. I won't have time nor the desire to be courted or wooed. And honestly, I don't have much faith in your taste-- the people you've tried to surround me with so far are not the business. And frankly, 2009 ended on a high note in the guy department and I'd like to let sleeping dogs lie frankly.

Sex is always on the menu as far as I'm concerned but I really don't think I'm going to be having too much of it this year. I know I know, this isn't at all what you were expecting from me, based off what you heard from years past, but this is a new era. Get in line.

My hustle is going to be top shelf this year, so I cannot have you trying to distract, or detour me k? I thought I should write you while we're still getting to know each other and just let you know how this year is going to go down.

Yours truly,
T.

p.s. no. you may not dreg up exes or curveballs.

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!

I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.

I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!

saboteur.

I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.

I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.

I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.

If you haunt me, I'll sing for you.

Life has been pretty crazy lately, I was gone for most of a week in Weatherford for a theatre festival. I had been getting this feeling that there's something off about my house for a while before hand, but when I got back it was almost palpable.

There's a presence in my house that, with some discerning and communication, I am confident to say is a the ghost of a young boy named Jonathan Carrol. He tends to be mostly playful and a bit of a joker, but sometimes he can get withdrawn and angry.

I am trying to get to know him more, but with my stress from my life, he doesn't come out often. I like the idea of something from the other side chatting with me, it makes my life feel less mundane.

Stay tuned.

Take it or leave it.

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

TCCSTA.♥

TCCSTA [[Texas Community College Speech and Theatre Association]] play festival this year was FANTASTIC. I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing, and seeing shows, and just the camaraderie we form with other actors always astounds me. Our school receieved an "Excellence" and I got a "Superior" for my acting!

Sure there were some tiffs within our own sanctions, but that just makes the new friendships formed that much more important! haha I'm sad I can't compete next year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be at Tomball then either so eh. Only time will tell and if I am I'll add it to my list of life lessons and experiences gathered and keep trucking.

Utterly undeniable.

I've spent this week in the company of others, and I've realized that I really really miss my California people, and I need more alone time.

I have had just about everyone around me be on my last nerve at least once, and I just want a vacation away from them all. I'm so stressed with contest show that I'm considering divorcing myself from everyone just like last year haha

I need more time with just me; just about the only time I've been alone the past few weeks are when I'm asleep. Sometimes I need to be with others, but lately I've been missing alone time. Stolen moments and sleep aren't enough.

"Blue Blanket"

this is a poem sent to me by one of my very closest friends. she is fantastic about knowing me and my limits; she knew I'd appreciate this poem. So I'm putting it up here for everyone to read, please absorb the message. I know exactly what I'm going to teach my son.

"BLUE BLANKET" by Andrea Gibson

still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why

like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could

just like she would
for me
or you
but how much closer to free would any of us be
if even a few of us forgot
what too many women in this world cannot
and i'm thinking
what the hell would you tell your daughter
your someday daughter
when you'd have to hold her beautiful face
to the beat up face of this place
that hasn't learned the meaning of
stop

what would you tell your daughter
of the womb raped empty
the eyes swollen shut
the gut too frightened to hold food
the thousands upon thousands of bodies used and abused
it was seven minutes of the worst kind of hell
seven
and she stopped believing in heaven
distrust became her law
fear her bible
the only chance of survival
don't trust any of them

bolt the doors to your home
iron gate your windows
walking to your car alone
get the keys in the lock
please please please please open
like already you can feel
that five fingered noose around your neck
two hundred pounds of hatred
digging graves into the sacred soil of your flesh

please please please please open
already you're choking for your breath
listening for the broken record of the defense
answer the question
answer the question
answer the question miss

why am i on trial for this

would you talk to your daughter
your sister your mother like this
i am generations of daughters sisters mothers
our bodies battlefields
war grounds
beneath the weapons of your brother's hands
do you know they've found land mines
in broken women's souls
black holes in the parts of their hearts
that once sang symphonies of creation
bright as the light on infinity's halo

she says
i remember the way love
used to glow like glitter on my skin
before he made his way in
now every touch feels like a sin
that could crucify medusa kali oshun mary
bury me in a blue blanket
so their god doesn't know i'm a girl
cut off my curls
i want peace when i'm dead

her friend knocks at the door
it's been three weeks
don't you think it's time you got out of bed

no
the ceiling fan still feels like his breath
i think i need just a couple more days of rest
please

bruises on her knees from praying to forget
she's heard stories of vietnam vets
who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs
she's wondering how many women are walking around this world
feeling the tingling of their amputated wings
remembering what it was to fly to sing

tonight she's not wondering
what she would tell her daughter
she knows what she would tell her daughter
she'd ask her
what gods do you believe in
i'll build you a temple of mirrors so you can see them!

pick the brightest star you've ever wished on
i'll show you the light in you
that made that wish come true!

tonight she's not asking
you what you would tell your daughter
she's life deep in the hell---the slaughter
has already died a thousand deaths with every unsteady breath
a thousand graves in every pore of her flesh
and she knows the war's not over
knows there's bleeding to come
knows she's far from the only woman or girl
trusting this world no more than the hands
trust rusted barbed wire
she was whole before that night
believed in heaven before that night
and she's not the only one
she knows she won't be the only one

she's not asking what you're gonna tell your daughter
she asking what you're gonna teach

your son

you are so amazingly wrong for me

It continues to surprise me when I realize how completely off base some people's lives are. They have no direction or sense of purpose. I may feel completely overwhelmed at times, but at least it's all building up for something.

There may be times when I feel like I've lost my center, and I'm like a boat lost at see with no rudder, sail or compass. But at least I've got a support system, and a group of people who know me through and through and I can dump my problems into their lap and they'll just sort through it and give me a solution I'd never have seen.

I might be out of sorts, a bitch, and scatter-brained, but I'm single-minded to the point of recklessness, driven, and straight forward. When I'm big, famous and in your face, you'll realize that I called this ages back. I didn't stop working towards it, even when I was drowning in hard times, confusion and frustrations.

It'll take more than anything this life can dish out to me. God led me to it, He'll lead me through it, and best believe our plan involves me changing the world.

in all that noise.

Today I was working and realized that I really do give too much of myself to people. While that's good in the sense that people know they can turn to me and there are people who depend on me. It also means that there is little to no reciprocation on that "shoulder-to-cry-on" relationship. Honestly, how hard is it to listen to someone when they need to vent? How hard is it to be a soundboard for someone's hopes, fears, dreams and despairs? ITS NOT HARD; I do it on a regular basis, but I have very few people I know will drop what they're doing for 20 minutes to listen to me blather on and on about nothing until a gem pops out and all they'll do is smile and say "I knew you'd find it". That's a working, loving balanced friendship-- what the hell is wrong with the rest of you?

oh me oh my.

Life is a tad jumbled now, hence the gap in posting. But holiday season is kicking in so I've practically sold my soul to the Dirrty Bird ©. Let's get a jump on this post shall we?

I recently got my body touched, and that opened an entire can of worms. He's got a girlfriend, and I figured that'd work to my benefit because I'm not looking for a relationshit. Well, he's crumbled under the pressure I guess, because he's dropped the ball. That's not the annoying part-- it's the regression he's suddenly taken. It's very junior high: the slinking around in my view in the hopes to make me watch him, the talking about me with his friends so there's a little mob throwing not-subtle-at-all glances my way, the whole NOT TEXTING thing. ugh, ridiculous. We're both adults, let's handle this in an adult way. Whatever.

I'm so overwhelmed lately that I've taken a mental health week, but now I need to get back in the grind. I need to finish "Haunted", my prompt book for "Pygmalion", my set design for "Antony and Cleopatra", and the 30 billion other things I've pushed back. I don't want to get behind schedule, but I also don't need a mental break down. That would push the schedule even further, and we can't have that. Oh crap, that reminds me, I've got to start working on my monologues and my USC essays.

I am reaffirming something I've believed in all my life: you should only fall in love if you've got an amazing story behind it. You're going to have to retell this story at PTA functions, your wedding, dinner parties, etc, so why not have a great story to tell? I refuse to fall in love unless we've got an interesting story to tell, I am fabulous enough for an even greater love than "high school sweethearts" or whatever, so I am going to demand what I deserve.

My friends are fantastic, and supportive, and hilarious. Throughout everything I'm going through, mucking around in or avoiding they've got something to offer. Thanks you guys for being amazing and keeping me sane =]

when the fortune cookie speaks, you listen.

"you will become more passionate and determined about your vision."

A fortune cookie told me what I already knew, and at first I laughed it off, but later that evening Chelle suggested offhandedly we compile our views into book(s). And I was thinking, we TOTALLY should! haha so once we finish what's on our plates, we're going to start throwing ideas around and get a manuscript written. It'll be our views and beliefs about love, life, dreams and everything in between.

Speaking of books, I've created a mini book list! haha "Therese's Book Club" has its own list now:
>> "Confessions of a Working Girl" Miss S
>> "Good Girl Gone Bad" Karin Tabke
>> "Skin" Karin Tabke
>> "Go Ask Alice" Anonymous
>> "Falling Leaves" Adeline Yen Mah
>> "Lolita" Vladimir Nabokov
>> "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings" Tyler Perry
>> "Diary of a Sex Fiend" Abby Lee

That's the list for now, I've got a feeling I may add more as I'm reading new ones.

And it just keeps rushing in.

I've not only purged myself of past relationships, but put my life in perspective tonight. Then two of my favorite people reminded me of how loved I am, and how I deserve to be loved. This amazing, can't-live-without-it love isn't found from some relationshit with a guy who doesn't really get me, nor is it from some "IT" bag. Its from the people who matter most-- myself, and the people who know me better than I know myself.

My Other Half, in her amazing literary talent, expressed how we feel about dating in relation to our plans for life, and it reminded me that I deserve to be with a man who not only has aspirations of his own but will appreciate, support and aid in mine. I deserve to have my goals accomplished, despite what the world may think, and that the only person who has any say in it is me. God's given me the tools, its on me to make it happen.

My Gay, with not quite as much flourish as my Other Half, reminded me that I am needed and loved. There are people who consider me a comfort, a teacher, a friend--a hetero. I am missed, I am wanted, even though there are times when I don't want to be around myself. He's reminded me that though there are times when I'm an outcast in this house, there's a home waiting for me to come back to it.

I love you both, I couldn't keep sane if it weren't for you two being on my wavelength and knowing when I need your words of wisdom and comfort just when I need it.

"Find arms that will hold you at your weakest,
Eyes that will see you at your ugliest,
Heart that will love at your worst,
If you have found it,
You have found love."
Maybe they weren't talking about a relationshit, maybe they were talking about friendship beyond the bounds of normal friendship. They were talking about the friends who have become your family. Thank you for being my family.