Take it or leave it.

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

TCCSTA.♥

TCCSTA [[Texas Community College Speech and Theatre Association]] play festival this year was FANTASTIC. I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing, and seeing shows, and just the camaraderie we form with other actors always astounds me. Our school receieved an "Excellence" and I got a "Superior" for my acting!

Sure there were some tiffs within our own sanctions, but that just makes the new friendships formed that much more important! haha I'm sad I can't compete next year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be at Tomball then either so eh. Only time will tell and if I am I'll add it to my list of life lessons and experiences gathered and keep trucking.

Memory.

Human memory is a tenuous thing; a sound, a smell, a song can all transport you back to the moment you identify that trigger with. Sometimes its a good memory, and you smile at the thought of it, but when its a bad memory, its like a bad taste in your mouth, you can't go back to the way you felt before the memory. It lingers all day, at the edge of your thoughts, and try as you might you can't quite shake the funk.

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" struck a chord within me because I have memories I wish I could just delete all together, and go on with my life none the wiser-- ignorance is bliss, bliss I wish I could partake of just this once. But that's not the hand I've been dealt in life, so I'm going to try to stop complaining about it, but days like this I just wish I could put the memories in a box and toss the box in the back of my closet, to worry about another day.

Who said answers don't fall into your lap?

I've been struggling with some demons lately, and the forefront of my stress is that I am utterly terrified of falling back into old "habits". At rehearsal I, quite literally, had a sign fall into my lap. It was something I wrote about a year ago:

"To tell you the truth, I don't know when it all started. The restlessness, the unhappiness. One day I woke up and found that my life was no longer enough to hold my interests. That's a bad sign. when you yourself cannot convince yourself that you are interesting or worthwhile. I never wanted pity or to drag someone else down with me into my own personal private hell-- so I internalized. There is a reason one shouldn't internalize. It comes back-- nothing will stop something from coming out if it wants nothing but to be seen or heard.

So I took to writing, to funnel a jarred and twisted, albeit innocent, childhood, a frustrated and rocky adolescence, and an awkward adulthood into imaginary people. To take my shortcomings, rises and falls, and memories and give them to someone else. It helped immensely. Its amazing and I love it, the freedom that comes with anonymity. I could be anyone, do anything, and no one would judge me or call me ridiculous because it was fiction. A work of my mind and my heart. With my writing I could take the bad moments and feed it into a poor soul, and then lead them to a world of wonders where the would face their demons and win. Conquering the world, and living happily ever after. But it has become my undoing, I am envious of people that don't exist, of people that I created. I found refuge from my darker days but created a new realm of evil and self directed rage.

Pretending that I am fine-- pretending I was as normal as everyone else, as normal as everyone else wanted me to be-- was easy for a time, but all good things come to an end. It began to irk me that I couldn't embrace myself-- it's not to say that I didn't show others my true self, it was that I couldn't personally reconcile who I have become with who I was. I can't draw a line differentiating the two, nor can I see how it is so easy for others. People are generally harder on themselves, and I am no different. But I cannot seem to forgive myself for things I had no control over.

It's the victim mentality that most battered children fall into, and the remaining problms that arise differ person to person. I myself have a martyr complex, and a self destructive streak. I tend to sabotage myself, and overload myself-- pretty much to punish myself, to ensure that even in happiness I'm setting myself up to fail sooner or later. That's one of my problems. I'm punishing myself for something I had nor will I ever have control over. I can't change the past, and I can't make myself forget. Though I desperately wish I could. That's what we all wish, to not own these memories anymore; to be able to take back our innocense. To be able to be free.

And now I'm scarred from it. I can't have normal, functioning relationships, even the idea of letting someone in seems dangerous. No matter how happy we are, how flawless we are, I can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. Trust is given too freely, too willingly from me, because I want to be proven wrong-- that there ARE people who won't hurt me. But therein lies my paradox, in my efforts to be proven wrong, I'm all too often proven correct. That makes for even bigger complexes to arise.

As a survivor, I seek love and acceptance because it's an affirmation that what's happened doesn't define me. I want to know that I define me. I need to know that my past won't mark me, ruin me, or keep me from being me."

This shows me that I've grown from this; that I'm going to keep growing. Nothing in life is easy, and when have I ever had it easy? I'm a boss bitch, and I'm no longer the poor girl who tried to find the answers in other people. I'm in this for me, and mines. You're on my team, or you need to get out of the way.