Change of plans or am I standing still?

Having a child changes things-- oh Lord, does it change things-- but now that I'm adjusted to having my little guy I'm missing the things that made me me. Writing and creative ventures were/are a really big part of me and I'm ready to get back into it!!

The thing that kind of makes me pause though is that usually when I write or get into my creative zone, I tend to detach myself from everything around me. I don't know why, maybe so that what I'm creating isn't influenced by anything but my thought process? Perhaps it's because I don't want to get distracted and lose my momentum?

Whatever the reason, obviously it would not be okay for me to detach now that I've got a little boy who depends on me for everything. I'm thinking of this chane in my approach as a good thing, I did have a bad habit of not following though because "the impulse was gone". Now that I'm not ruled by fickle tides of "inspiration" I can really work on my writing again. After all, the only way to get better is to keep doing it!

I thought I was supposed to stop feeling neurotic?

I always imagined that when I was in a healthy, functioning long term committed relationship I'd have my neurosis under control and we'd be this great cohesive unit. I guess in a way I expected being in the relationship would cure me? That's not the case especially since we're both human, we both brought baggage to the table.

I'm constantly on guard and trying to make things better for him. I guess part of me is resentful because he doesn't do the same for me. He works all day and I'm with Charlie 24/7. On paper and in theory I've got the easier burden so I try not to fight or push him. Problem is he pries; here I am trying so hard not to get upset and yell or cry, and he gets MAD that I don't.

I haven't showered properly in a week, I can't post real posts on my motherhood blog because I'm worried he'll get mad or upset when he reads it. I'm just feeling super on edge all the time this week and he's sensing it and poking the dragon.

Losing

Losing my job has been extremely stressful because I've been able to see my last day looming in the distance. I've been trying and trying to no avail to find another job before this one ends.

Why on earth is this so difficult, you ask? Because my little boy is too young for daycare and my work availability would have to work around that. I can't bartend or work overnights because I've still got to be able to be up and functioning with Charlie in the daytime.

I'm staying positive and trusting there's a purpose for this. I just needed to vent haha "worry is self harassment".

Back in business?

I'm back but completely different haha I'm in a long term relationship, a new mom to a handsome baby boy (follow that journey at ohwowimamomnow.blogspot.com ) and trying to balance work (while I still have one and my hunt for a new one), my new family and returning to school. It doesn't hurt to vent as things change and get harder before they get better. So here we go.