I know you love me and all...

My mother is really grating on me lately. I know she wants to make sure I don't fuck things up again, or do things wrong, but this micromanaging has got to stop. It irritates me and makes me want to do things wrong just to spite her; if she would just speak her piece and then be done with it, that'd be one thing. But oh no! She's got to control every step and tell you what you're doing wrong every step of the way.

Really, this is my life, and even if you walk me through everything I'll still find my own mistakes and things like that. You didn't have to deal with the same life I have now, so please stop pretending like you've been in my shoes and just guide me? Don't lead, because I won't follow.

I'm being swallowed up.

I feel entirely consumed with apathy, lightly seasoned of course with grief and self hatred. I have no earthly idea what brought about this shitty day, but they come and go. I used to go years without one, but as time went on they're more frequent and they stay longer-- I've had to initiate a 24 hour rule on myself. I'll allow myself to feel like this for one day, but after that I've got to snap out of it or try not to dwell on it.

Years of self-hatred, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment and utter sadness seemingly bottled up to enjoy in the concentrated, condensed form? Who wouldn't want some? Who doesn't want to feel like they're not safe in their own home, in their own body, in their own mind? Certainly not me! I love feeling like a walking mental case, a ticking time bomb of emotional unrest. Mmmmhhh, that's me, the train wreck.

I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm really over thinking this way. I finally love myself, and at the same time I feel like I've just set myself over a greater distance to fall. It's times like this the similar broken examples of humanity would turn to cutting, to drugs, to sex-- me, I tried using all of the aforementioned as crutches in their own time. Nothing held the allure of self-destruction, of self-annihilation though, and I felt that was further proof of my broken mind-- I don't want to be me anymore, but can't find a weapon of choice.

This is why I'm fucked up: my mood swings are wide and vast, this will be over, with any luck, by morning; I crave love because it feels like it fixes the broken bits of me; I need sex because it eases the pain of the past; I can't shake that feeling that something bad will happen during times where it really has no bearing. I just really don't know what to do with myself at this point in time.

I was once told I was someone's rock, I was their emotional foundation-- they killed themselves. How does that make me feel? I've been used, abused, screwed, fucked, bruised, killed, and everything you could think of-- I'm not a total fuck up, I'm not some whore, I'm not a mass murdering psychopath. If anything my totally cocked up life would grant me some kind of peace now that I'm out of the gambit, but no, instead I've got demons to fight in my own subconcious.

I don't make sense any more.

I'm not even asking you to change your Facebook status.

I was up late talking to Candice after hanging out with friends and we really talked for a long time about guys and relationshits, and we've noticed a trend. In many cases, the female is the sole pursuer and the guy is just sitting in the wings, waiting to be fetched. Dude, I don't have time for that-- I'm a busy bitch.

I don't have time for a relationshit, but I still want that companionship that comes with it you know? I'm not asking you to marry me, I certainly am not asking you to rearrange your life around me (because God knows I won't for you), and don't assume I want you to be anything you don't want to be. In all honesty if I could in a way "rent" a boyfriend that'd take the cake.

I just want a boy I can have some laughs with, have fun, seriously talk to and kiss. That's quite literally all I have time for haha time for friends, so any guy I'm with would be like a glorified friend-with-benefits. We don't have to be exclusive, nor text everyday, just as long as when we're together its just me. I am open minded to a fault, but I will not take feeling used, or cheap.

I don't want weekly dates nor do I need us to constantly be together. I'm independent and busy as hell, so if our time together could be like a mini vacation almost, that'd be excellent. Maybe when one of us has a crazy test, afterwards we could hang out and just unwind, or even study together for midterms. That'd be charming and very thoughtful. However, I'm not saying I just want to stay in, that gets tiresome. Take me out when I've been in a mood, or just surprise me.

I want to be able to talk -- like really T A L K-- to a guy, about serious and trivial things. I don't like having to make all conversation on my own, and then get a look like "what is she going on about?" If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo in. There's very little that's sexier or more intriguing than a guy who can hold his own in a debate with me or can actually teach me something I didn't know. But don't get cocky, please, arrogance is not attractive on anyone. Self-confidence and self-assurance are both very great qualities for a guy to have, but once you reach doucher levels and cross into arrogant twat, then we've got a problem.

I'm not asking for you to buy me anything, I'm not asking for us to get a dog together, I'm not even asking you to move in with me. I just want a guy to make me feel special and like a lady, I just want a guy to fit and at the same time not fit so we'll have separate lives. I don't want a boyfriend, per say, I want someone to fit my idea of a boyfriend, because frankly I don't have time for much more than that. I'd like my "boyfriend" to be busy as well, so I'm not feeling like I have to hold back and entertain you.

If you are intimidated by someone who knows what they want or how they want it, you need not even apply. I'm not even asking for submissions, just keep in mind that not all girls need constant attention, nor showers of praise; if you tried that I'd just assume you were lying half the time anyway. I just am tired of people saying that I don't know what I want or that I'm too picky-- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm straight forward and don't have time for bullshit, so if that makes me an undate-able bitch in your mind, then so be it-- I don't have time for boys, sissies or idiots.

I need a man to be a man. I'm tired of always having to be the guy, to be the pursuer. I want to be wooed, pursued and seduced just as much as the next girl, so stop acting like I signed up to be the boy. I'm not saying I want you to open doors or order at restaurants for me, but no means would I ever mean that, I just want a guy to step up to the plate, take the lead, the initiative.

I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for the universe tucked into a Juicy purse, I won't even ask you to change your Facebook status, something so trivial and small, all I ask is you be a guy I can laugh with, talk to, kiss and escape reality with for a bit.

I'm terrified.

Thinking about the future today has got me shaken because I'm realizing somethings:

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of going, terrified of staying. Just terrified.

If I go, then there's the fear of failure, the fear of my self destructive tendecies totally going off the deep end. The utter fear that if I go, that my family will have nothing to do with me.

If I stay, I'm afraid I'll never leave, that I'll never accomplish the things I've set out before me. If I stay I'll beocme complacent and my self destructive sabatoage will take a crazier form I'm certain.

I'm also terrified that I'll never become anything because I'm not good enough for society//the establishments I seek to join. Sure, I know I'm talented, but is it enough or the right kind for my goals? What if I don't get into USC and I don't get published because it's not what they're looking for?

I'm absolutely terrified.

Merry Christmas

I'm so tired and upset. Two floorsets in a row combined with a dentist appointment (where they filled 4 cavities, bastards), made me crash and miss an entire day of holiday related movies! Haha I usually watch "Love Actually", "The Holiday", and the like with my mom, and end the evening with a Bond or action movie marathon with my dad. I didn't miss the father daughter bonding though! He waited for me and we watched a Jason Statham marathon haha now we're headed to midnight mass, so I'll end with this question: do atheists celebrate Christmas?

Christmas? Wasn't He born in the spring?

This holiday season has kicked my ass. I figured once I was out of school I'd have time to work on my various projects I have saved, all at different levels of completion, and to just relax. Oh no, I seemed to have forgotten that I work in retail. Shit. I've replaced just about everything with work, or sleeping before/after work. The stress is mounting with all the crazies and demanding people. I just want to do floorset and be done with it all. This winter season has shown me that I'm really done with retail soon, I don't want to be subhuman to some woman who spoils her kids and scorns the rest of the world.

All the holiday cheer is lost on me this year, I've taken the pretend-it-isn't-happening approach. My mother is trying to get me into the spirit by reminding me that it's "Jesus Christ's birthday" and I "need to be thankful for the blessings He's bestowed" on me. So I kindly reminded her that Jesus was actually born in the spring and Thanksgiving had already passed, she wasn't too pleased with that assessment. If Christmas was really about family, togetherness, and love then why are there hoards of people abusing retail staff over boxes and shoes, people who aren't calling their disowned gay child, people who leave their parents old, withered and unattended in nursing homes? I'm pretty pessimistic this season, but come New Years Eve, it'll be on like donkey kong.

My resolution for 2009 will be: Go Big, Get Right. Get it Done. I'm getting my hustle on, no excuses no reneging. I'm all over this, and damnit I'm already behind schedule on my life. But sadly I may have to postpone moving again, family issues, combined with money crap, combined with health all add up to me having to stay a tad later than I had planned. But we'll stay positive, keep pushing and remember to always do right by life.

Chelle and I are compiling some stuff for a book, and I've really got to wrap up my SD, but in all of that and everything going on, I'm still starting new projects. I don't know, it just feels wrong to not follow an impulse, to ignore the inspiration. I'm really excited to write more, but I wish I were more consistent on following through haha It's in my nature to procrastinate and leave things undone for months at a time. I've really got to work on that.

It comes down to this.

This is a blog of everything I'd like to say to Brian, my aunt's exhusband. I've had a hard few days, and I think a purge is just what I need:

I have to constantly tell myself that you aren't the issue anymore. I need to shake the dust of you, and sadly to this day it hurts. You took away my innocence, and my trust of all men. To this day when I'm alone with a man I have to reassure myself that I'm not going to be hurt. I have to remind myself that I will never allow myself to be a victim again, and that I have surrounded myself with people who won't allow it either. When someone brings up rape, molestation or sexual battery I cringe internally-- my heart literally free falls into my stomach where it has seizures. Sadly, for the longest time I've thought that I should have done something, said something to stop you. But I know now that it wouldn't have done me any good, and it's not my fault. It's not my fault you're a fucked up, pathetic guy-- a sad lost little boy who has to molest kids to get his jollies. There's no excusing what you've done, there's no apology or explanation you could give me that would justify it. And if you ever even tried I'd rip you apart with my bare fucking hands, but as it is you'll never try. You're proud, for whatever reason, and for you to admit you're in the wrong goes against your grain. So I'll just fill in the blanks and forgive you. I'll forgive you for ruining my life, for ruining my innocence, for ruining my childhood, for ruining my hopes for ever living a normal life. But I'll be damned if I ever trust you or forget what you've done. I won't be like you, this cycle of abuse ends with me. I couldn't, and never would cause someone to feel like I have for years. Self-hatred, pity, remorse, disgust, depression, anger-- all for something they had no say in, no control over. NEVER. I won't come after you, and I won't tell my father-- more for his sake than yours, though you do deserve for him to come after you and make you suffer-- instead I'll leave it in God's hands. He'll deal with you more justly than I could ever imagine. Enjoy the rest of your tainted, empty, and evil life-- I just hope the afterlife is worth it for your horrible life. But I will give you this warning, if you do ANYTHING to my cousins, or any one else in my family, I will do something about it. I can promise that with everything I am or ever will be.