to my family.

must be nice
to be the favorite child.
to be the loved child.
to be wanted.
to be a part of a family.

i've always been the scape goat;
so it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
that's a lie.
it hurts just as much as the first time--
only fiercer. because it's built up.

"when you're going downhill, it gets faster towards the bottom"
and right now, i feel like it maybe bottoming out.
a relief and a worry at once.
a relief because its drawing to an end.
a worry because i'm not sure if the end will be on my terms or yours.

either way, i'm going to be on my own.
and i'll finally be able to love myself,
without being reminded of how much i'm not.

i am so proud of who i'm becoming,
and i just wish you could be too.
but i have a feeling you won't be until i've accomplished everything.
then you'll swear up and down you knew it all along.

i love me, for once.
why can't you love me too?
as is, nothing more, nothing less.
therese crews, flawed and brilliant.
not some fantasy you've built up in your head since i was in the womb.

this is my life. not yours.
please let me live it,
please watch me live it.
please want to be a part of it.

would you really cast me out, just like that?
leave me to the wolves, and never spare me a second thought?
you go on and on about how family comes first, and lasts past everything else.
yet, if i go about my own devices, i'm really on my own?

contradictions have always been a part of our relationship,
so i can't really expect anything else, now can i?
i love you, but i can't live with you.
i won't be driven mad again, to suicide.

i just pray that when i do go,
you'll know i leave part of me with you.
and i pray you'll give me a part of you to take with me.
that you'll think of this as me going on my path,
and not as a rebellion.

support me.
love me.
be a part of my life.