Why do you insist on breaking my heart?

Another fun filled morning with Mother, complete with more words designed to tear me down.

It has worked. Now stop.

I'm losing my shimmer.

I feel like less of Therese. Like all my personality and laughter and love and just overall shimmer is dimmed. I'm worried and stressed.

I hope I don't lose myself completely.

Compulsively obsessive.

I am on another one of my manic bursts again; I've been writing adn reading with a furvor I haven't had in a while. I'm not worried or upset about it, quite the opposite, I'm overjoyed at my new obsession with one of my loves. I really hope to apply this new burst of creative enthusiasm to my other arts-- and to academics, I guess.

I've been looking into fine art schools abroad and in other states, I've got my heart set on a few places, and a friend suggested to me a school I've never considered. Julliard. I don't know why I've never considered it as an option, I'm a triple threat and then some; I suppose I've always just assumed taht while I'm good at all of them, there will always be someone better.

That's not going to be my thinking anymore; if I don't deserve it, they'll be hard pressed to find someone better. I'm gonna knock everything I do out of the park. Watch me.

This is the first week of my life.

I've turned a new leaf. I'm determined, driven and focused now. Eyes on the prize. Which is good because I'm done with bad decisions and worse company.

I've got so many things to do, and not much time to do them. At least not if I intend to take over the world before I'm 35.

Let's get this show on the road shall we?

Tonight and the rest of my life...

...I'm gonna love me more than I love someone else.
...I'm going to do what I need before I consider what someone else wants.
...I'm going to be the baddest bitch I can.
...I'm going to write more often, even if it's just flow of consciousness drivel.
...I'm never going to sell myself short.
...I'm never going to settle.
...I'm going to stick to my guns.
...I won't give in.

...is mine, and I'm doing it right.

I'll have you know

I've grown in all of this. This heartbreak and whatevership nonsense I've put myself through. I've learned all kinds of things.

I've learned what I want and don't want in a boyfriend. I've learned that I am exactly as feminine, sexy, and loveable as I want to be. I've learned that there is such a thing as a person who cares about you enough to know what you want before you want it.

I've also learned that in the event of heartbreak, I've got the best support network anyone could ever ask for. I've learned that hopes and prayers aren't always enough. I've learned that sometimes we just need to let go and let God.

I've learned that it's ok to be afraid to love, but it's not ok to let that hold me back. I've learned that someone not loving you back in the way you want them to isn't the end of your life, it's just a temporary road block-- once you're done letting it define you, it'll dissipate.

I've learned it's okay to wallow, but only for a little bit. I've learned that when you want to cry and scream, to ask your best friend to do it with you, she has stuff to unleash too.

Finally, I've learned that I love him, and I love him for teaching me just how much I love myself and how right I am to do so. Thank you for that, if I can ever repay the favor, please let me know.

Breaking my own heart.

It just doesn't get any easier. No matter what vague advice or psuedo-fortune cookie like bullshit I feed myself. I can blame timing, hormones, and fucking Nicholas Sparks for all I want, but it won't change the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm hurting. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm a million and a half things, all just boiling over under the air tight lid of my facade. But in truth, I'm crushed. I don't know how long this will hurt-- there's never been a formula for it. And it certainly doesn't help that the guy, who stomped on my heart, wasn't even a boyfriend when he did it.

No, I'm practically obliterated over someone who I wasn't important enough to to get him to commit. That's a stupid mistake on my part, and I'll accept my part of the blame there. I'm a fool who hoped that this...this, whatever "this" is, would be something to change my life. And for a time it was.

He changed my outlook, my self esteem and my aversion to intimacy. I won't hold it against him-- my good riddance list for him isn't a great thing any how. I'd like to look back fondly, and wish him well. Not a single part of me wants to wish him ill, on the contrary, I hope and pray he finds a woman who he cannot live without, a woman who will appreciate everything he has to offer. I hope he and this woman life happily ever after.

He's a fantastic guy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel feminine, he never allowed me to think less of myself. He is the third love of my life. I believe in "one person for everyone", but I'm a realist. A single person changes, or should change, over the course of their life, so wouldn't it make sense that what their "soulmate" would entail change with them?

I've changed, and for a time he fits in the LOML position. I didn't, don't and probably won't fit into his, but that's not a requirement for it. I loved and gave whole heartedly...I did everything I could do. Everything I would've wanted done for me.

I love you, but I can't keep breaking my own heart. If I ever fit into the LOML position for you, let me know. Who knows, maybe in the future after you've grown, we'll be what each other is looking for. I wish you laughter, love and a long life.

There comes a time when you've got to be your own catalyst.

This is my time, I've realized that I am screwing myself over. I know that I am capable of amazing things, but if I keep these shenanigans up I may never get there-- and that just won't do.

This is me taking my stand against myself; it's time to get your ass in gear.

It's been hard.

I literally feel like I've dug a big hole and am now sitting in it, looking up at the sky as it moves, hearing people talk and laugh as they pass by my little fort, and little by little my hole starts to feel more and more like a grave.

It's all falling to hell and I really feel like this is only the beginning of the craziness my life is going to become.

I can't believe it...

I've actually done it. I've finished my one-act version of my play. I didn't think I could do it. Even though we cast people and have started rehearsals I didn't know if I'd have it in me to finish. But I have!

Not only that, but I'm planning to extend it to a full length play!!! It was hard to write this much, but I feel that to do my life justice, I've got to do it full out. It'll be a challenge but I think that I've gone more than halfway and truly no one can take this away from me.

Watch out world, here marks the beginning of the rise of my empire.

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!

I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.

I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!

saboteur.

I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.

I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.

I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.

Misguided help.

My mother insists on us being home to "spend time with the family" on weekends, etc, but all we end up doing is sitting in different rooms, watching different movies, not speaking to each other. So it's pretty much like she'd never even notice me not being here, but she won't let me do anything else.

I'm sure it makes her feel better with all of us being here at once, but doesn't she realize that it makes me resent spending time here, therefore leading to me spending all my time AWAY from here?

I love her and I love hanging out with my brothers but shit, when I'm forced to I loathe every minute of it.

If you haunt me, I'll sing for you.

Life has been pretty crazy lately, I was gone for most of a week in Weatherford for a theatre festival. I had been getting this feeling that there's something off about my house for a while before hand, but when I got back it was almost palpable.

There's a presence in my house that, with some discerning and communication, I am confident to say is a the ghost of a young boy named Jonathan Carrol. He tends to be mostly playful and a bit of a joker, but sometimes he can get withdrawn and angry.

I am trying to get to know him more, but with my stress from my life, he doesn't come out often. I like the idea of something from the other side chatting with me, it makes my life feel less mundane.

Stay tuned.

Take it or leave it.

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

TCCSTA.♥

TCCSTA [[Texas Community College Speech and Theatre Association]] play festival this year was FANTASTIC. I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing, and seeing shows, and just the camaraderie we form with other actors always astounds me. Our school receieved an "Excellence" and I got a "Superior" for my acting!

Sure there were some tiffs within our own sanctions, but that just makes the new friendships formed that much more important! haha I'm sad I can't compete next year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be at Tomball then either so eh. Only time will tell and if I am I'll add it to my list of life lessons and experiences gathered and keep trucking.

Memory.

Human memory is a tenuous thing; a sound, a smell, a song can all transport you back to the moment you identify that trigger with. Sometimes its a good memory, and you smile at the thought of it, but when its a bad memory, its like a bad taste in your mouth, you can't go back to the way you felt before the memory. It lingers all day, at the edge of your thoughts, and try as you might you can't quite shake the funk.

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" struck a chord within me because I have memories I wish I could just delete all together, and go on with my life none the wiser-- ignorance is bliss, bliss I wish I could partake of just this once. But that's not the hand I've been dealt in life, so I'm going to try to stop complaining about it, but days like this I just wish I could put the memories in a box and toss the box in the back of my closet, to worry about another day.

Who said answers don't fall into your lap?

I've been struggling with some demons lately, and the forefront of my stress is that I am utterly terrified of falling back into old "habits". At rehearsal I, quite literally, had a sign fall into my lap. It was something I wrote about a year ago:

"To tell you the truth, I don't know when it all started. The restlessness, the unhappiness. One day I woke up and found that my life was no longer enough to hold my interests. That's a bad sign. when you yourself cannot convince yourself that you are interesting or worthwhile. I never wanted pity or to drag someone else down with me into my own personal private hell-- so I internalized. There is a reason one shouldn't internalize. It comes back-- nothing will stop something from coming out if it wants nothing but to be seen or heard.

So I took to writing, to funnel a jarred and twisted, albeit innocent, childhood, a frustrated and rocky adolescence, and an awkward adulthood into imaginary people. To take my shortcomings, rises and falls, and memories and give them to someone else. It helped immensely. Its amazing and I love it, the freedom that comes with anonymity. I could be anyone, do anything, and no one would judge me or call me ridiculous because it was fiction. A work of my mind and my heart. With my writing I could take the bad moments and feed it into a poor soul, and then lead them to a world of wonders where the would face their demons and win. Conquering the world, and living happily ever after. But it has become my undoing, I am envious of people that don't exist, of people that I created. I found refuge from my darker days but created a new realm of evil and self directed rage.

Pretending that I am fine-- pretending I was as normal as everyone else, as normal as everyone else wanted me to be-- was easy for a time, but all good things come to an end. It began to irk me that I couldn't embrace myself-- it's not to say that I didn't show others my true self, it was that I couldn't personally reconcile who I have become with who I was. I can't draw a line differentiating the two, nor can I see how it is so easy for others. People are generally harder on themselves, and I am no different. But I cannot seem to forgive myself for things I had no control over.

It's the victim mentality that most battered children fall into, and the remaining problms that arise differ person to person. I myself have a martyr complex, and a self destructive streak. I tend to sabotage myself, and overload myself-- pretty much to punish myself, to ensure that even in happiness I'm setting myself up to fail sooner or later. That's one of my problems. I'm punishing myself for something I had nor will I ever have control over. I can't change the past, and I can't make myself forget. Though I desperately wish I could. That's what we all wish, to not own these memories anymore; to be able to take back our innocense. To be able to be free.

And now I'm scarred from it. I can't have normal, functioning relationships, even the idea of letting someone in seems dangerous. No matter how happy we are, how flawless we are, I can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. Trust is given too freely, too willingly from me, because I want to be proven wrong-- that there ARE people who won't hurt me. But therein lies my paradox, in my efforts to be proven wrong, I'm all too often proven correct. That makes for even bigger complexes to arise.

As a survivor, I seek love and acceptance because it's an affirmation that what's happened doesn't define me. I want to know that I define me. I need to know that my past won't mark me, ruin me, or keep me from being me."

This shows me that I've grown from this; that I'm going to keep growing. Nothing in life is easy, and when have I ever had it easy? I'm a boss bitch, and I'm no longer the poor girl who tried to find the answers in other people. I'm in this for me, and mines. You're on my team, or you need to get out of the way.

Utterly undeniable.

I've spent this week in the company of others, and I've realized that I really really miss my California people, and I need more alone time.

I have had just about everyone around me be on my last nerve at least once, and I just want a vacation away from them all. I'm so stressed with contest show that I'm considering divorcing myself from everyone just like last year haha

I need more time with just me; just about the only time I've been alone the past few weeks are when I'm asleep. Sometimes I need to be with others, but lately I've been missing alone time. Stolen moments and sleep aren't enough.

"Blue Blanket"

this is a poem sent to me by one of my very closest friends. she is fantastic about knowing me and my limits; she knew I'd appreciate this poem. So I'm putting it up here for everyone to read, please absorb the message. I know exactly what I'm going to teach my son.

"BLUE BLANKET" by Andrea Gibson

still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why

like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could

just like she would
for me
or you
but how much closer to free would any of us be
if even a few of us forgot
what too many women in this world cannot
and i'm thinking
what the hell would you tell your daughter
your someday daughter
when you'd have to hold her beautiful face
to the beat up face of this place
that hasn't learned the meaning of
stop

what would you tell your daughter
of the womb raped empty
the eyes swollen shut
the gut too frightened to hold food
the thousands upon thousands of bodies used and abused
it was seven minutes of the worst kind of hell
seven
and she stopped believing in heaven
distrust became her law
fear her bible
the only chance of survival
don't trust any of them

bolt the doors to your home
iron gate your windows
walking to your car alone
get the keys in the lock
please please please please open
like already you can feel
that five fingered noose around your neck
two hundred pounds of hatred
digging graves into the sacred soil of your flesh

please please please please open
already you're choking for your breath
listening for the broken record of the defense
answer the question
answer the question
answer the question miss

why am i on trial for this

would you talk to your daughter
your sister your mother like this
i am generations of daughters sisters mothers
our bodies battlefields
war grounds
beneath the weapons of your brother's hands
do you know they've found land mines
in broken women's souls
black holes in the parts of their hearts
that once sang symphonies of creation
bright as the light on infinity's halo

she says
i remember the way love
used to glow like glitter on my skin
before he made his way in
now every touch feels like a sin
that could crucify medusa kali oshun mary
bury me in a blue blanket
so their god doesn't know i'm a girl
cut off my curls
i want peace when i'm dead

her friend knocks at the door
it's been three weeks
don't you think it's time you got out of bed

no
the ceiling fan still feels like his breath
i think i need just a couple more days of rest
please

bruises on her knees from praying to forget
she's heard stories of vietnam vets
who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs
she's wondering how many women are walking around this world
feeling the tingling of their amputated wings
remembering what it was to fly to sing

tonight she's not wondering
what she would tell her daughter
she knows what she would tell her daughter
she'd ask her
what gods do you believe in
i'll build you a temple of mirrors so you can see them!

pick the brightest star you've ever wished on
i'll show you the light in you
that made that wish come true!

tonight she's not asking
you what you would tell your daughter
she's life deep in the hell---the slaughter
has already died a thousand deaths with every unsteady breath
a thousand graves in every pore of her flesh
and she knows the war's not over
knows there's bleeding to come
knows she's far from the only woman or girl
trusting this world no more than the hands
trust rusted barbed wire
she was whole before that night
believed in heaven before that night
and she's not the only one
she knows she won't be the only one

she's not asking what you're gonna tell your daughter
she asking what you're gonna teach

your son

What's done is done...

...and needlessly holding onto anger isn't going to change the fact that it's finished. I understand your pride might be a bit wounded, but really, we're going to go an entire week of avoiding each other and not speaking over this? My mother found out I have a tattoo and is utterly PISSED off, and while I understand her anger, this irrational punishment she's doing isn't going to make the tattoo go away or make me want it any less. So she might want to rethink her tactics.

I'm trying so hard to finish my student direct, but my migraines are so bad I can't see straight sometimes. This show is emotionally draining to write to begin with, but with the stress from my mother, the show and school on top of it, it's a wonder I haven't just thrown in the towel.

Everytime I wonder why I do this.

Floorset was 12 hours long this floorset, and my goodness it was so draining. I fell asleep AT floorset, and I just slept like 9 hours. I wasted an entire day, and I so hate to do that. Now I suppose I'm just wrapping up some loose ends, catching up on things.

Really all I'm trying to do is avoid making a fool of myself; idle hands are the devil's playground after all.....

I know you love me and all...

My mother is really grating on me lately. I know she wants to make sure I don't fuck things up again, or do things wrong, but this micromanaging has got to stop. It irritates me and makes me want to do things wrong just to spite her; if she would just speak her piece and then be done with it, that'd be one thing. But oh no! She's got to control every step and tell you what you're doing wrong every step of the way.

Really, this is my life, and even if you walk me through everything I'll still find my own mistakes and things like that. You didn't have to deal with the same life I have now, so please stop pretending like you've been in my shoes and just guide me? Don't lead, because I won't follow.

I'm being swallowed up.

I feel entirely consumed with apathy, lightly seasoned of course with grief and self hatred. I have no earthly idea what brought about this shitty day, but they come and go. I used to go years without one, but as time went on they're more frequent and they stay longer-- I've had to initiate a 24 hour rule on myself. I'll allow myself to feel like this for one day, but after that I've got to snap out of it or try not to dwell on it.

Years of self-hatred, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment and utter sadness seemingly bottled up to enjoy in the concentrated, condensed form? Who wouldn't want some? Who doesn't want to feel like they're not safe in their own home, in their own body, in their own mind? Certainly not me! I love feeling like a walking mental case, a ticking time bomb of emotional unrest. Mmmmhhh, that's me, the train wreck.

I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm really over thinking this way. I finally love myself, and at the same time I feel like I've just set myself over a greater distance to fall. It's times like this the similar broken examples of humanity would turn to cutting, to drugs, to sex-- me, I tried using all of the aforementioned as crutches in their own time. Nothing held the allure of self-destruction, of self-annihilation though, and I felt that was further proof of my broken mind-- I don't want to be me anymore, but can't find a weapon of choice.

This is why I'm fucked up: my mood swings are wide and vast, this will be over, with any luck, by morning; I crave love because it feels like it fixes the broken bits of me; I need sex because it eases the pain of the past; I can't shake that feeling that something bad will happen during times where it really has no bearing. I just really don't know what to do with myself at this point in time.

I was once told I was someone's rock, I was their emotional foundation-- they killed themselves. How does that make me feel? I've been used, abused, screwed, fucked, bruised, killed, and everything you could think of-- I'm not a total fuck up, I'm not some whore, I'm not a mass murdering psychopath. If anything my totally cocked up life would grant me some kind of peace now that I'm out of the gambit, but no, instead I've got demons to fight in my own subconcious.

I don't make sense any more.

I'm not even asking you to change your Facebook status.

I was up late talking to Candice after hanging out with friends and we really talked for a long time about guys and relationshits, and we've noticed a trend. In many cases, the female is the sole pursuer and the guy is just sitting in the wings, waiting to be fetched. Dude, I don't have time for that-- I'm a busy bitch.

I don't have time for a relationshit, but I still want that companionship that comes with it you know? I'm not asking you to marry me, I certainly am not asking you to rearrange your life around me (because God knows I won't for you), and don't assume I want you to be anything you don't want to be. In all honesty if I could in a way "rent" a boyfriend that'd take the cake.

I just want a boy I can have some laughs with, have fun, seriously talk to and kiss. That's quite literally all I have time for haha time for friends, so any guy I'm with would be like a glorified friend-with-benefits. We don't have to be exclusive, nor text everyday, just as long as when we're together its just me. I am open minded to a fault, but I will not take feeling used, or cheap.

I don't want weekly dates nor do I need us to constantly be together. I'm independent and busy as hell, so if our time together could be like a mini vacation almost, that'd be excellent. Maybe when one of us has a crazy test, afterwards we could hang out and just unwind, or even study together for midterms. That'd be charming and very thoughtful. However, I'm not saying I just want to stay in, that gets tiresome. Take me out when I've been in a mood, or just surprise me.

I want to be able to talk -- like really T A L K-- to a guy, about serious and trivial things. I don't like having to make all conversation on my own, and then get a look like "what is she going on about?" If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo in. There's very little that's sexier or more intriguing than a guy who can hold his own in a debate with me or can actually teach me something I didn't know. But don't get cocky, please, arrogance is not attractive on anyone. Self-confidence and self-assurance are both very great qualities for a guy to have, but once you reach doucher levels and cross into arrogant twat, then we've got a problem.

I'm not asking for you to buy me anything, I'm not asking for us to get a dog together, I'm not even asking you to move in with me. I just want a guy to make me feel special and like a lady, I just want a guy to fit and at the same time not fit so we'll have separate lives. I don't want a boyfriend, per say, I want someone to fit my idea of a boyfriend, because frankly I don't have time for much more than that. I'd like my "boyfriend" to be busy as well, so I'm not feeling like I have to hold back and entertain you.

If you are intimidated by someone who knows what they want or how they want it, you need not even apply. I'm not even asking for submissions, just keep in mind that not all girls need constant attention, nor showers of praise; if you tried that I'd just assume you were lying half the time anyway. I just am tired of people saying that I don't know what I want or that I'm too picky-- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm straight forward and don't have time for bullshit, so if that makes me an undate-able bitch in your mind, then so be it-- I don't have time for boys, sissies or idiots.

I need a man to be a man. I'm tired of always having to be the guy, to be the pursuer. I want to be wooed, pursued and seduced just as much as the next girl, so stop acting like I signed up to be the boy. I'm not saying I want you to open doors or order at restaurants for me, but no means would I ever mean that, I just want a guy to step up to the plate, take the lead, the initiative.

I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for the universe tucked into a Juicy purse, I won't even ask you to change your Facebook status, something so trivial and small, all I ask is you be a guy I can laugh with, talk to, kiss and escape reality with for a bit.