saboteur.

I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.

I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.

I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.