I can't believe it...

I've actually done it. I've finished my one-act version of my play. I didn't think I could do it. Even though we cast people and have started rehearsals I didn't know if I'd have it in me to finish. But I have!

Not only that, but I'm planning to extend it to a full length play!!! It was hard to write this much, but I feel that to do my life justice, I've got to do it full out. It'll be a challenge but I think that I've gone more than halfway and truly no one can take this away from me.

Watch out world, here marks the beginning of the rise of my empire.

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!

I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.

I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!

saboteur.

I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.

I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.

I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.

Misguided help.

My mother insists on us being home to "spend time with the family" on weekends, etc, but all we end up doing is sitting in different rooms, watching different movies, not speaking to each other. So it's pretty much like she'd never even notice me not being here, but she won't let me do anything else.

I'm sure it makes her feel better with all of us being here at once, but doesn't she realize that it makes me resent spending time here, therefore leading to me spending all my time AWAY from here?

I love her and I love hanging out with my brothers but shit, when I'm forced to I loathe every minute of it.

If you haunt me, I'll sing for you.

Life has been pretty crazy lately, I was gone for most of a week in Weatherford for a theatre festival. I had been getting this feeling that there's something off about my house for a while before hand, but when I got back it was almost palpable.

There's a presence in my house that, with some discerning and communication, I am confident to say is a the ghost of a young boy named Jonathan Carrol. He tends to be mostly playful and a bit of a joker, but sometimes he can get withdrawn and angry.

I am trying to get to know him more, but with my stress from my life, he doesn't come out often. I like the idea of something from the other side chatting with me, it makes my life feel less mundane.

Stay tuned.