Rejected.

At this point, being in this house is hurting me: emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm physically ill because of the depression that just hits me the longer I'm under this roof. Emotionally everything that happens is just another load on my already crushed back, and I'm at that point where all I can do is lay on my floor and bawl. Mentally, I'm sinking back into my old ways-- I'm fighting it with all I have but I can't do this alone.

My mother, one of the reasons I went into depression in my dark ages, has settled back into her old ways it seems. I'm being ignored and rejected over a misunderstanding-- one she didn't even want to hear my side of and just called me a liar over. This is how it always is between us. I'll do something below her standards or upset her, I'll be systematically ignored, alienated and rejected by my entire family under her orders. There's no better way to make someone feel useless than to show them that you care more about other things than their own flesh and blood. They're likely to drive me to my grave before they realize that I'm cracking. I'm putting on a brave face, but it really does cut deep, thinking that no one loves you.

I'm not welcome in my own house by my own family. How is that supposed to make me feel? Warm and toasty inside? No. I feel utterly insignificant, I feel invisible, I feel unloved. I feel like one day I'm going to come home and find the locks changed and all my stuff gone. My stuff is already mysteriously vanishing throughout the house and when I was looking for some of it earlier I was regarded and then ignored in the same breath. That's how I know she has it, and isn't going to give it back. It's so good to know that my family is so mature.

My only solace is that this time I know that these feelings aren't true this time. I know that I'm loved, and cared for. That I'm needed and wanted--even if its not by my family. I just pray with everything I have that they don't stop loving my brothers like they do me. I couldn't handle it knowing that Deezle or Petuhcha were to be crying themselves to sleep, in the shower, and on the ride to school.

I am so overwhelmed with life that I need my family to help me to support me, but I can't even get the to acknowledge my existence. This doesn't bode well for the rest of my punctuated life. I just have no way of waving a white flag for a truce; this mind fuck continues until I'm good and broken. I can't keep living like this, it's like waiting till I'm dying.