I've actually done it. I've finished my one-act version of my play. I didn't think I could do it. Even though we cast people and have started rehearsals I didn't know if I'd have it in me to finish. But I have!
Not only that, but I'm planning to extend it to a full length play!!! It was hard to write this much, but I feel that to do my life justice, I've got to do it full out. It'll be a challenge but I think that I've gone more than halfway and truly no one can take this away from me.
Watch out world, here marks the beginning of the rise of my empire.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
So, my dreams lately have taken a turn from vivid to just CRAZY. Pregnancies, camps on lakes, kidnappings, contests, weddings, divorces...it's all getting so odd! And my friends, family, exes, future exes [[haha]], boys, girls, all kinds of people are making appearances too!
I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.
I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!
I should start writing them in a dream journal when I wake up, but I lay in bed trying to decipher it for so long that I end up running late for my day and I just sprint out of bed to get ready and *poof* dreams shelved or forgotten.
I wish I knew why they were so crazy, and weird!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
saboteur.
I'm not the best person; I'm stubborn, a sociopath, and I have a shitty attitude sometimes. But really in all of this, not once have I been asked how I feel, how all this is affecting me. I know how it's affecting everyone else, I've been hearing all about it, but really I'd like to just have someone listen to me-- really listen-- and understand what I'm dealing with.
I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.
I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.
I sabotage myself, so hearing someone else just reverberate back to me what I'm doing, doesn't do anything. I'm well aware of what I'm doing, and sadly I can't do anything to change it or stop it. If I were short sighted I'd be a cutter, but self-injury isn't enough. So I sabotage my future, I write essays and do assignments and I don't turn them in, or I get rid of them. Once I did a group project, and handed my stuff to a girl on her way into the class with instructions to give it to my group and went home to cry. I don't know why I do it, I don't know why this happens, but it's something I've done for ages.
I wish I knew how to change it, it'd help me with all this stress that's for certain. But instead I sit here, praying to change, planning how to fuck up next, and wishing I were someone else.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Misguided help.
My mother insists on us being home to "spend time with the family" on weekends, etc, but all we end up doing is sitting in different rooms, watching different movies, not speaking to each other. So it's pretty much like she'd never even notice me not being here, but she won't let me do anything else.
I'm sure it makes her feel better with all of us being here at once, but doesn't she realize that it makes me resent spending time here, therefore leading to me spending all my time AWAY from here?
I love her and I love hanging out with my brothers but shit, when I'm forced to I loathe every minute of it.
I'm sure it makes her feel better with all of us being here at once, but doesn't she realize that it makes me resent spending time here, therefore leading to me spending all my time AWAY from here?
I love her and I love hanging out with my brothers but shit, when I'm forced to I loathe every minute of it.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
If you haunt me, I'll sing for you.
Life has been pretty crazy lately, I was gone for most of a week in Weatherford for a theatre festival. I had been getting this feeling that there's something off about my house for a while before hand, but when I got back it was almost palpable.
There's a presence in my house that, with some discerning and communication, I am confident to say is a the ghost of a young boy named Jonathan Carrol. He tends to be mostly playful and a bit of a joker, but sometimes he can get withdrawn and angry.
I am trying to get to know him more, but with my stress from my life, he doesn't come out often. I like the idea of something from the other side chatting with me, it makes my life feel less mundane.
Stay tuned.
There's a presence in my house that, with some discerning and communication, I am confident to say is a the ghost of a young boy named Jonathan Carrol. He tends to be mostly playful and a bit of a joker, but sometimes he can get withdrawn and angry.
I am trying to get to know him more, but with my stress from my life, he doesn't come out often. I like the idea of something from the other side chatting with me, it makes my life feel less mundane.
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Take it or leave it.
I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.
1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.
2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.
3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.
4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.
5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.
6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.
7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.
8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.
9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.
10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.
11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.
12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.
13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.
14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.
15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.
16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.
17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.
18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.
19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.
20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.
21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.
1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.
2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.
3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.
4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.
5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.
6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.
7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.
8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.
9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.
10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.
11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.
12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.
13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.
14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.
15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.
16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.
17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.
18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.
19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.
20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.
21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.
Monday, February 23, 2009
TCCSTA.♥
TCCSTA [[Texas Community College Speech and Theatre Association]] play festival this year was FANTASTIC. I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing, and seeing shows, and just the camaraderie we form with other actors always astounds me. Our school receieved an "Excellence" and I got a "Superior" for my acting!
Sure there were some tiffs within our own sanctions, but that just makes the new friendships formed that much more important! haha I'm sad I can't compete next year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be at Tomball then either so eh. Only time will tell and if I am I'll add it to my list of life lessons and experiences gathered and keep trucking.
Sure there were some tiffs within our own sanctions, but that just makes the new friendships formed that much more important! haha I'm sad I can't compete next year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be at Tomball then either so eh. Only time will tell and if I am I'll add it to my list of life lessons and experiences gathered and keep trucking.
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