I'm terrified.

Thinking about the future today has got me shaken because I'm realizing somethings:

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of going, terrified of staying. Just terrified.

If I go, then there's the fear of failure, the fear of my self destructive tendecies totally going off the deep end. The utter fear that if I go, that my family will have nothing to do with me.

If I stay, I'm afraid I'll never leave, that I'll never accomplish the things I've set out before me. If I stay I'll beocme complacent and my self destructive sabatoage will take a crazier form I'm certain.

I'm also terrified that I'll never become anything because I'm not good enough for society//the establishments I seek to join. Sure, I know I'm talented, but is it enough or the right kind for my goals? What if I don't get into USC and I don't get published because it's not what they're looking for?

I'm absolutely terrified.

Merry Christmas

I'm so tired and upset. Two floorsets in a row combined with a dentist appointment (where they filled 4 cavities, bastards), made me crash and miss an entire day of holiday related movies! Haha I usually watch "Love Actually", "The Holiday", and the like with my mom, and end the evening with a Bond or action movie marathon with my dad. I didn't miss the father daughter bonding though! He waited for me and we watched a Jason Statham marathon haha now we're headed to midnight mass, so I'll end with this question: do atheists celebrate Christmas?

Christmas? Wasn't He born in the spring?

This holiday season has kicked my ass. I figured once I was out of school I'd have time to work on my various projects I have saved, all at different levels of completion, and to just relax. Oh no, I seemed to have forgotten that I work in retail. Shit. I've replaced just about everything with work, or sleeping before/after work. The stress is mounting with all the crazies and demanding people. I just want to do floorset and be done with it all. This winter season has shown me that I'm really done with retail soon, I don't want to be subhuman to some woman who spoils her kids and scorns the rest of the world.

All the holiday cheer is lost on me this year, I've taken the pretend-it-isn't-happening approach. My mother is trying to get me into the spirit by reminding me that it's "Jesus Christ's birthday" and I "need to be thankful for the blessings He's bestowed" on me. So I kindly reminded her that Jesus was actually born in the spring and Thanksgiving had already passed, she wasn't too pleased with that assessment. If Christmas was really about family, togetherness, and love then why are there hoards of people abusing retail staff over boxes and shoes, people who aren't calling their disowned gay child, people who leave their parents old, withered and unattended in nursing homes? I'm pretty pessimistic this season, but come New Years Eve, it'll be on like donkey kong.

My resolution for 2009 will be: Go Big, Get Right. Get it Done. I'm getting my hustle on, no excuses no reneging. I'm all over this, and damnit I'm already behind schedule on my life. But sadly I may have to postpone moving again, family issues, combined with money crap, combined with health all add up to me having to stay a tad later than I had planned. But we'll stay positive, keep pushing and remember to always do right by life.

Chelle and I are compiling some stuff for a book, and I've really got to wrap up my SD, but in all of that and everything going on, I'm still starting new projects. I don't know, it just feels wrong to not follow an impulse, to ignore the inspiration. I'm really excited to write more, but I wish I were more consistent on following through haha It's in my nature to procrastinate and leave things undone for months at a time. I've really got to work on that.

It comes down to this.

This is a blog of everything I'd like to say to Brian, my aunt's exhusband. I've had a hard few days, and I think a purge is just what I need:

I have to constantly tell myself that you aren't the issue anymore. I need to shake the dust of you, and sadly to this day it hurts. You took away my innocence, and my trust of all men. To this day when I'm alone with a man I have to reassure myself that I'm not going to be hurt. I have to remind myself that I will never allow myself to be a victim again, and that I have surrounded myself with people who won't allow it either. When someone brings up rape, molestation or sexual battery I cringe internally-- my heart literally free falls into my stomach where it has seizures. Sadly, for the longest time I've thought that I should have done something, said something to stop you. But I know now that it wouldn't have done me any good, and it's not my fault. It's not my fault you're a fucked up, pathetic guy-- a sad lost little boy who has to molest kids to get his jollies. There's no excusing what you've done, there's no apology or explanation you could give me that would justify it. And if you ever even tried I'd rip you apart with my bare fucking hands, but as it is you'll never try. You're proud, for whatever reason, and for you to admit you're in the wrong goes against your grain. So I'll just fill in the blanks and forgive you. I'll forgive you for ruining my life, for ruining my innocence, for ruining my childhood, for ruining my hopes for ever living a normal life. But I'll be damned if I ever trust you or forget what you've done. I won't be like you, this cycle of abuse ends with me. I couldn't, and never would cause someone to feel like I have for years. Self-hatred, pity, remorse, disgust, depression, anger-- all for something they had no say in, no control over. NEVER. I won't come after you, and I won't tell my father-- more for his sake than yours, though you do deserve for him to come after you and make you suffer-- instead I'll leave it in God's hands. He'll deal with you more justly than I could ever imagine. Enjoy the rest of your tainted, empty, and evil life-- I just hope the afterlife is worth it for your horrible life. But I will give you this warning, if you do ANYTHING to my cousins, or any one else in my family, I will do something about it. I can promise that with everything I am or ever will be.

you are so amazingly wrong for me

It continues to surprise me when I realize how completely off base some people's lives are. They have no direction or sense of purpose. I may feel completely overwhelmed at times, but at least it's all building up for something.

There may be times when I feel like I've lost my center, and I'm like a boat lost at see with no rudder, sail or compass. But at least I've got a support system, and a group of people who know me through and through and I can dump my problems into their lap and they'll just sort through it and give me a solution I'd never have seen.

I might be out of sorts, a bitch, and scatter-brained, but I'm single-minded to the point of recklessness, driven, and straight forward. When I'm big, famous and in your face, you'll realize that I called this ages back. I didn't stop working towards it, even when I was drowning in hard times, confusion and frustrations.

It'll take more than anything this life can dish out to me. God led me to it, He'll lead me through it, and best believe our plan involves me changing the world.

in all that noise.

Today I was working and realized that I really do give too much of myself to people. While that's good in the sense that people know they can turn to me and there are people who depend on me. It also means that there is little to no reciprocation on that "shoulder-to-cry-on" relationship. Honestly, how hard is it to listen to someone when they need to vent? How hard is it to be a soundboard for someone's hopes, fears, dreams and despairs? ITS NOT HARD; I do it on a regular basis, but I have very few people I know will drop what they're doing for 20 minutes to listen to me blather on and on about nothing until a gem pops out and all they'll do is smile and say "I knew you'd find it". That's a working, loving balanced friendship-- what the hell is wrong with the rest of you?

oh me oh my.

Life is a tad jumbled now, hence the gap in posting. But holiday season is kicking in so I've practically sold my soul to the Dirrty Bird ©. Let's get a jump on this post shall we?

I recently got my body touched, and that opened an entire can of worms. He's got a girlfriend, and I figured that'd work to my benefit because I'm not looking for a relationshit. Well, he's crumbled under the pressure I guess, because he's dropped the ball. That's not the annoying part-- it's the regression he's suddenly taken. It's very junior high: the slinking around in my view in the hopes to make me watch him, the talking about me with his friends so there's a little mob throwing not-subtle-at-all glances my way, the whole NOT TEXTING thing. ugh, ridiculous. We're both adults, let's handle this in an adult way. Whatever.

I'm so overwhelmed lately that I've taken a mental health week, but now I need to get back in the grind. I need to finish "Haunted", my prompt book for "Pygmalion", my set design for "Antony and Cleopatra", and the 30 billion other things I've pushed back. I don't want to get behind schedule, but I also don't need a mental break down. That would push the schedule even further, and we can't have that. Oh crap, that reminds me, I've got to start working on my monologues and my USC essays.

I am reaffirming something I've believed in all my life: you should only fall in love if you've got an amazing story behind it. You're going to have to retell this story at PTA functions, your wedding, dinner parties, etc, so why not have a great story to tell? I refuse to fall in love unless we've got an interesting story to tell, I am fabulous enough for an even greater love than "high school sweethearts" or whatever, so I am going to demand what I deserve.

My friends are fantastic, and supportive, and hilarious. Throughout everything I'm going through, mucking around in or avoiding they've got something to offer. Thanks you guys for being amazing and keeping me sane =]

It's happened.

We have the first African American president and I admire the change we've gone through. And yet. Nothing has changed. Prop 8 was passed in California, therefor banning same-sex marriages. For us to now tell this group of citizens they can't get married because of what their sexual preference is, it's ludicrous. I'd thought we'd come farther than this. Next will be interracial marriages, at this rate.

Love is love.

Rejected.

At this point, being in this house is hurting me: emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm physically ill because of the depression that just hits me the longer I'm under this roof. Emotionally everything that happens is just another load on my already crushed back, and I'm at that point where all I can do is lay on my floor and bawl. Mentally, I'm sinking back into my old ways-- I'm fighting it with all I have but I can't do this alone.

My mother, one of the reasons I went into depression in my dark ages, has settled back into her old ways it seems. I'm being ignored and rejected over a misunderstanding-- one she didn't even want to hear my side of and just called me a liar over. This is how it always is between us. I'll do something below her standards or upset her, I'll be systematically ignored, alienated and rejected by my entire family under her orders. There's no better way to make someone feel useless than to show them that you care more about other things than their own flesh and blood. They're likely to drive me to my grave before they realize that I'm cracking. I'm putting on a brave face, but it really does cut deep, thinking that no one loves you.

I'm not welcome in my own house by my own family. How is that supposed to make me feel? Warm and toasty inside? No. I feel utterly insignificant, I feel invisible, I feel unloved. I feel like one day I'm going to come home and find the locks changed and all my stuff gone. My stuff is already mysteriously vanishing throughout the house and when I was looking for some of it earlier I was regarded and then ignored in the same breath. That's how I know she has it, and isn't going to give it back. It's so good to know that my family is so mature.

My only solace is that this time I know that these feelings aren't true this time. I know that I'm loved, and cared for. That I'm needed and wanted--even if its not by my family. I just pray with everything I have that they don't stop loving my brothers like they do me. I couldn't handle it knowing that Deezle or Petuhcha were to be crying themselves to sleep, in the shower, and on the ride to school.

I am so overwhelmed with life that I need my family to help me to support me, but I can't even get the to acknowledge my existence. This doesn't bode well for the rest of my punctuated life. I just have no way of waving a white flag for a truce; this mind fuck continues until I'm good and broken. I can't keep living like this, it's like waiting till I'm dying.

Funny how things start out.

I've been busy, so don't think I've abandoned this blog, I've just been overwhelmed. Floorset was last night at American Eagle, and I am so tired and sore. I missed theatre class because I overslept, even though Desi woke me up. Haha, and right now I'm trying to stay awake in government class; I'm fighting a losing battle.

I'm still on the lookout for some body touching sadly, and my search is turning up blank. My dreams are getting more and more explicit and more and more detailed. It's going to be my undoing. I've started gaugeing every guy I see, and it gets kind of annoying when I'm doing it to guys who are like family.

I'll end this short post with this question, "Why is it when a girl's looking for chivalry, it's nowhere to be found. But when she's looking for debauchery, all the bad boys are reformed?"

Ignorance is an epidemic.

Today at work, Dustin, the douche bag I work with, was telling me about how he's going to join the Marines so he can "kick down doors and kill terrorists". He's an idiot and a war monger. That's not what the Marines or any form of militarism is about. We aren't supposed to be the "world police" that's the UN's job. The military is supposed to be used to keep our defense and that's it. The whole "war on terrorism" has become a joke. it started with the best of intentions and a great plan, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. we left the path we meant to head on, when we entered Iraq for oil.

Also, I found out today that in a recent poll about 55% of young voters are voting for Prop 8. The one that is against gay marriage. It goes against what our whole constitution is about, "freedom, and the pursuit of happiness" and all that jazz. By telling a group of people they are not eligible for the same benefits and rights as other Americans because of their sexual preference, we're no better than other fascist countries. If straight people can make a mockery of marriage, why can't gay couples give it an honest try?

Finally, to end my little rant, people are saying we shouldn't cut the military budget to allot more money for education and healthcare, because we need to "keep our defense up". UGH. Honestly, the only reason we spend so much is because suddenly we feel the need to fix other countries' shit, but abandon our domestic front. Unless we up the funding for education, we're never going to be able to compete on the world market, let alone keep the little respect other countries have for us.

Here's a word to the wise, please don't talk to me about things you know nothing about. All it will do is annoy me and make me want to rip you a new one.

when the fortune cookie speaks, you listen.

"you will become more passionate and determined about your vision."

A fortune cookie told me what I already knew, and at first I laughed it off, but later that evening Chelle suggested offhandedly we compile our views into book(s). And I was thinking, we TOTALLY should! haha so once we finish what's on our plates, we're going to start throwing ideas around and get a manuscript written. It'll be our views and beliefs about love, life, dreams and everything in between.

Speaking of books, I've created a mini book list! haha "Therese's Book Club" has its own list now:
>> "Confessions of a Working Girl" Miss S
>> "Good Girl Gone Bad" Karin Tabke
>> "Skin" Karin Tabke
>> "Go Ask Alice" Anonymous
>> "Falling Leaves" Adeline Yen Mah
>> "Lolita" Vladimir Nabokov
>> "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings" Tyler Perry
>> "Diary of a Sex Fiend" Abby Lee

That's the list for now, I've got a feeling I may add more as I'm reading new ones.

And it just keeps rushing in.

I've not only purged myself of past relationships, but put my life in perspective tonight. Then two of my favorite people reminded me of how loved I am, and how I deserve to be loved. This amazing, can't-live-without-it love isn't found from some relationshit with a guy who doesn't really get me, nor is it from some "IT" bag. Its from the people who matter most-- myself, and the people who know me better than I know myself.

My Other Half, in her amazing literary talent, expressed how we feel about dating in relation to our plans for life, and it reminded me that I deserve to be with a man who not only has aspirations of his own but will appreciate, support and aid in mine. I deserve to have my goals accomplished, despite what the world may think, and that the only person who has any say in it is me. God's given me the tools, its on me to make it happen.

My Gay, with not quite as much flourish as my Other Half, reminded me that I am needed and loved. There are people who consider me a comfort, a teacher, a friend--a hetero. I am missed, I am wanted, even though there are times when I don't want to be around myself. He's reminded me that though there are times when I'm an outcast in this house, there's a home waiting for me to come back to it.

I love you both, I couldn't keep sane if it weren't for you two being on my wavelength and knowing when I need your words of wisdom and comfort just when I need it.

"Find arms that will hold you at your weakest,
Eyes that will see you at your ugliest,
Heart that will love at your worst,
If you have found it,
You have found love."
Maybe they weren't talking about a relationshit, maybe they were talking about friendship beyond the bounds of normal friendship. They were talking about the friends who have become your family. Thank you for being my family.

false advertisement.

I signed up for this class thinking it would be a government class, you know, a class about the structure and the inner workings. that way I'd have a better idea of what I'm up against whilst running the world. I expected a few debates to keep things interesting and engaging.

Instead, I got a teacher who talks solely about the history of the government and it's influences. And an online class, because it is a surprise hybrid class, that no one follows, and the assignments are randomly entered with no warning.

I think I'd learn more by joining political groups and compiling their knowledge.

If you're not going to teach, don't become a teacher. If you want to just hear yourself talk, get a degree in communications and be a spokesperson for some corporation. Don't waste our time with your half-ass attempts to teach.

Lust overload.

Why is it when I really REALLY need a throw-me-down, kiss-me-senseless, so-passionate-the-neighbors-need-a-cigarette sex session, there's no one who fits the bill? Where's one of them when I need them?!

Its starting to take a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I've got aches and pains; I've got headaches and moodswings. Glory, for the sake of everyone around me, I need my body touched.

Sex is literally a cure-all. and let me tell you something, I may not have time for a relationshit, but I certainly have time for sex. It doesn't help that I only have eyes for Gaspard Ulliel, either.

Oh, I had a fabulous dream the other night about Gaspard Ulliel. Mmm, it was sexual, and sweet and let me tell you something...it made me wake up rabid as the dickens.

Future expatriate? It could be in the cards.

This political debate and my family's reactions to it makes me feel like becoming an expat might be my best bet. My faith in this country is very much hanging on by a thread; this might just be the force that breaks it.

I've always planned on being a traveler and citizen of the world. Looks like I'm getting a start early. I've started looking at international movers, and real estate. and of course the job market. Hm, the latter seems to be the hardest part.

I have very little time to become fluent in French, and to learn how to change my resume into a French friendly format. Anyone know the requirements for French citizenship?

first loves, new loves && loves rekindled.

I started working at American Eagle again, and those kids are just as crazy and fun as I remember them! But retail...ugh. If you've never worked in retail, you won't understand what I mean when I say it's a love-hate relationship. It never gets old, because everyday is something new to do, and there's all kinds of shenanigans that can happen in a single shift during retail. From crazy soccer moms losing their shit over returns to a couple trying to have fellatio in the fitting rooms to finding a used tampon under a table somewhere. But there's also rude people, thieves and all kinds of rude people who treat you like crap. Just because I'm there to help you and serve you doesn't make me a servant--it doesn't make me less of a human. I'm working to support myself just like you are, the only difference is material. So please step down from your high horse and treat me with a little respect. Civility is appreciated.

True to form, Scott not only welcomed me back like the Prodigal Child, but launched right back into one of our music talks. Gym Class Heroes, K-os and Paolo Nutini I liked before, but he gave me the CD's I've been looking for and I've fallen in LOVE with these artists. GCH's album "The Papercut Chronicles" is utterly brilliant--dark, but brilliant. And dare I say, what I think is their best album. k-os never disappoints, both albums are seamless and he's so smooth. Paolo Nutini's crooning is so tender and sweet--a guilty AE alum pleasure.

Aahh, and a conversation with Chelle about Regina Spektor, Fiona Apple, Duffy && Adele has sparked interest in their music besides what I just have on my ipod. We've gotten me interested in lyrical expression, and I really wish I could write songs as gorgeous as these women, Chelle included. Haha but Chelle's right, I'll dabble, just as she'll dabble in dance, and our main focus will always be acting and theatre.
Oh! In theatre, we've lost a week and a half of rehearsal, but we're pushing on and picking up the pace. It's like we haven't lost anytime and in fact, we're able to fine tune things we didn't feel were smooth. This show isn't going to disappoint and I'm proud of the cast--we've had many a setback, from someone dropping out before our first rehearsal to losing a week, but we're still in this together. Theatre is like a family because we all depend on each other for support, help and cohesion. If someone's not pulling their weight, then the whole cast looks ridiculous.

"don't let me get famous"

haha i love my cousin. she's hilarious, and probably the reason i haven't disowned my family already haha she's so grounded and she's got my back. we were talking about how when we're famous we're going to keep being us. no boutique shopping just to spend money and see and be seen by paparazzi. no getting wild in public for attention and we're definitely keeping our bum days. we're still gonna shop at the alley in la and still rock ae or a&f and most definitely keep our sweats and nappy hair haha.

being famous shouldn't change who you are; you're the same person you were before you got famous, only your face is on magazines. don't let it get to your head. haha when i'm famous best believe things are going to be the same as they are, only instead of theatre rehearsal it's gonna be filming etc.

i've been working to be famous since birth; and i'll be damned if i don't get it.

wow. even now it hurts.

this started as a blog about rude drivers and crazy conservatives harassing me. and instead its become a blog about how even hearing about other people being molested or raped hurts my heart. i think it's my overwhelming sense of compassion. i get sympathy pains over anything--and something that huge just cuts me.

being molested and raped--that entire sense of violation--can decimate you. the utter lack of control over your life makes you feel so insignificant. it's impossible to describe, impossible to understand unless you've been there first. i've forgiven, and moved on, but still it hurts.

i can say that as a person who's risen past sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse; i am stronger than anything that may come at me. i'm a boss bitch, and i have the baggage to prove that i've survived anything you have. but its still baggage i've got to carry.

i'll carry it so that when i'm famous i can help other people like me. other people who've lived past the worst of the human condition, can see that it won't make or break you unless you let it. you can try to doubt me, you can even say you're better. but believe me, i'm going to the stars. ad astra per aspera.

something on the horizon // need to move.

I have a feeling in my gut that something's coming-- something's on the horizon, and headed my way. I don't know if its a good thing or bad; but I'm ready. I'm thinking positive and keeping positive--never forgetting the laws of attraction. Gods got a will and his will has a way. So here I am, whatever you are. I'm ready to take you on or take you out.

Now onto the need to move. I haven't danced in a long while, and I can feel the atrophy in my limbs. I'm trapped, and everytime a dance comes to life in my mind, its torture to not be able to go somewhere and flesh it out. I need a dance space--nothing fancy, just empty space and mirrors. I need some place to lose myself and just move.

to my family.

must be nice
to be the favorite child.
to be the loved child.
to be wanted.
to be a part of a family.

i've always been the scape goat;
so it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
that's a lie.
it hurts just as much as the first time--
only fiercer. because it's built up.

"when you're going downhill, it gets faster towards the bottom"
and right now, i feel like it maybe bottoming out.
a relief and a worry at once.
a relief because its drawing to an end.
a worry because i'm not sure if the end will be on my terms or yours.

either way, i'm going to be on my own.
and i'll finally be able to love myself,
without being reminded of how much i'm not.

i am so proud of who i'm becoming,
and i just wish you could be too.
but i have a feeling you won't be until i've accomplished everything.
then you'll swear up and down you knew it all along.

i love me, for once.
why can't you love me too?
as is, nothing more, nothing less.
therese crews, flawed and brilliant.
not some fantasy you've built up in your head since i was in the womb.

this is my life. not yours.
please let me live it,
please watch me live it.
please want to be a part of it.

would you really cast me out, just like that?
leave me to the wolves, and never spare me a second thought?
you go on and on about how family comes first, and lasts past everything else.
yet, if i go about my own devices, i'm really on my own?

contradictions have always been a part of our relationship,
so i can't really expect anything else, now can i?
i love you, but i can't live with you.
i won't be driven mad again, to suicide.

i just pray that when i do go,
you'll know i leave part of me with you.
and i pray you'll give me a part of you to take with me.
that you'll think of this as me going on my path,
and not as a rebellion.

support me.
love me.
be a part of my life.

my feelings, and someone's writing about Palin, Mccain and Obama.

My personal feelings on this upcoming election are that the republicans have decimated our country's finances and morale for the past 8 years with war and trickery. Are we really so much about the status quo that we'll give our country to the NEXT set of republicans, to do with us what they may?

I feel that Obama's "blueprint" is a solid foundation for his presidency, and all the republican party seems to have is a veteran and smoke and mirrors.

Here's what a friend sent me:
Sarah Palin is not fit to be president. If McCain is elected and happens to die of cancer or old age before the end of his term, she will take over. think about that for a second. even if you are a Christian, you probably are not as delusional as she is. This woman believes the US military is the hand of god, doing the bidding of the creator of the universe in a holy war. She doesn't think women should be able to choose when to have children, she thinks ANY form of birth control should be illegal. That includes the pill and condoms - what will happen with AIDS and HIV when condoms are illegal? None of our kids will know what hit them because sex education will also be illegal. Palin believes the USA is a Christian nation and should be governed in accordance with God's will. All fine and dandy so long as you've burned the constitution and gotten rid of anyone who practices a different religion, a different sect of Christianity or, God forbid, no religion at all.

The republicans say they are for smaller government and lower taxes. but the policies they write are the opposite - they've tripled the size of government with agencies like the DHS and the expanded TSA - they've invited themselves into our homes without search warrants, they've tapped our phones and read our mail, they've crawled into our beds and told us who we can love, who we can marry and when we can or can't have kids. that's not smaller government. the tax code will be altered to give more breaks to the richest people and corporations in the country while they make the rest of us shoulder the burdens of their wars, both with our money and our blood. Obama's team plans to LOWER taxes for over %90 of Americans and raise taxes on the companies that are making the largest PROFITS in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD (these same companies also happen to be owned and operated by conservative oil men like Bush and Cheney)-- I'm getting off topic, sorry, let's focus on Palin.

she gave a good speech - i'll give her that - but she used to be a sports new anchor - so she knows how to read a teleprompter, fantastic. the mccain campaign has blown a lot of hot air about how Obama is all speeches and no plan (if you're someone who has swallowed that little chunk of poo, please read obama's 'blueprint for america' in which he outlines with great detail all of his plans should he win the election)-- the speech she gave was written by Bush's team (not kidding)-- and, predictably, it was full of blatant lies.

that's it from me, please read the facts about the speech and the lies she told a nation in her debut attacks.
-e.

The following is a quick response from Associated Press Writer Jim Drinkard.

ST. PAUL, Minn.— Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.

Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform-- not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requibring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded. Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families. He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state-- by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV.
MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right-- change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington-- throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."
THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate.

catharsis; purged; free.

have you ever wondered why you can bawl your eyes out at a movie and still love it? like why movies we laugh at, a year later forget, but we'll never shake the way the tragedy gripped us? this is why.

ca·thar·sis Listen to the pronunciation of catharsis
Pronunciation:
\kə-ˈthär-səs\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural ca·thar·ses Listen to the pronunciation of catharses \-ˌsēz\
Etymology:
New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
Date:
circa 1775

1: purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art


its a purge of emotions; like wringing out a sponge. now, that catharsis is freeing because it doesn't keep you muddled up. it empties you of all the excess you've been hoarding and right now in my life, for the first time in a long time, i feel like i'm going through my catharsis and i'm going to come out of it more driven than ever. which is what i really need right now.

chelle and i have been talking about whoremones and their tendency to lead you towards romance, weddings, and mushy shit we don't have time for. but right now just thinking about a relationshit has me....indifferent. i know i don't need a guy to complete me, make me feel better, or take care of me. so what purpose can a guy possibly serve? NOTHING. that's it.

so why waste valuable time and effort on it? i'm not going to. i'm a bitch with deadlines, and if i'm going to be moving back home by this summer [[which best believe is about a done deal]] then i've gotta keep my nose to the grind. i'm already sadly behind schedule, and i've had to move deadlines around. NO MORE.

this year i've got the following goals and God willing, i'm going to accomplish them all:
[[1]] finish writing my student direct
[[2]] finish my writing
[[3]] get published
[[4]] move back to california
[[5]] audition and get into usc
[[6]] get situated with scholarships and a job
[[7]] begin my plan take over the world =]

so as you can see this year is pretty jam packed. so i don't have time for wishywashy immature fools, nor do i want to waste my time. i'm a busy boss bitch. get in line, or get out of my way.

don't try to hold me down with words and empty promises. i'm smarter than that, and if you think all it'll take to snare me is a few touches and kisses, mixed with the right words and looks then you're in for a rude awakening. i can use 'em and abuse 'em like the worst of them, but i'm classier than that. so you probably won't get the chance to even put your theory to the test. and even if you did, you'd end up getting played like the fool you are. so let's save you the embarrassment and me the time, and just not, k?

i've got my life in perspective, and adjusting my course. maybe instead of analyzing mine, and telling me how much i'm going to fail, you should look at your own life. you might find that what you're saying about others applies more to you and your lack of guidance.

repressed emotions have their heyday.

Repressed emotions have their heyday with or without your permission.

I seemed to have forgotten that tidbit of information, and now they're coming at me full force. There's: angst, aggression, sorrow, fear, sadness, indifference and empty longing.

I feel like I'm a shell, and I'm holding this flurry of emotions within myself. I can't move or speak, only feel everything bubbling beneath the surface.

Will I be able to get a handle on everything before it explodes, or will it implode and I have another breakdown? I don't know.

homecoming. home leaving.

being back in california has brought on a flurry of emotions. its invigorating to see old places and old faces. its so heartwarming to reconnect with people i use to spend ALL my time with. and its amazing to see how they've changed and meet their new friends. its amazing. i love being home so much.

but seeing people who haven't changed, people who are STILL in JUNIOR high. not even HIGH SCHOOL, but so regressed, its just frustrating. don't try to pull me down to your level.

i'm just doing me. so go on and do you.

degrees of love

falling out of love isn't covered as much as falling in love is, in movies && books. so sadly there's no operating manual for life when you no longer are in love with the person you love. sure you'll always love them, i believe, but in a small (eventually insignificant) way.

once a person is a big part of your life, you'll love them as a friend or family or a bittersweet memory. and when the latter tries to make a reentry to your life, their transgressions seemingly "forgiven and forgotten" on their end, you tend to get a little upset. which is COMPLETELY justified.

crazy dreams.

i had two weird dreams last night. both were not in this time period haha but a couple decades past.

in the first some friends [[people i've never seen before]] and i are messing around in a neighborhood. theres a drag race going on and i guess we mess it up, because the guys are chasing us. while running we take a culdesac's walkway to some secluded house, and the guy running with me, luis [[never seen him before]], randomly takes my hand while we're running and we drop the hands and look at each other and grab our hands again. we scale the fence and hide all while holding hands. he lets go to go around the building to check if we were followed, when a guy jumps out at me. i drop kick him and luis and i take off running. we get a couple blocks away with our other 2 friends when i stop running and i feel faint, i start to pass out because i'm hypoglycemic and all that running nonsense tired me out. luis is still holding my hand as i fall, so he grabs me and holds me to him on the ground. the others try to find candy or something when a police car [[that looks like a painted station wagon]] pulls up and asks "whats the matter". the other friends don't know and luis replies "she's hypoglycemic, we were running from the dragsters and now her blood sugars down." they give him some soda and a candy bar and he tries to get me to drink some soda and gives up. he breaks the candy bar into pieces and tries to get them into my mouth. he gets some in and some soda in after a while and when i come to he leans in and kisses me.

next one, we're in like a classroom of some kind and the desks are seperated into two groups on opposite sides of the room. i'm in the group of desks closest to the door and against the opposite wall are jocks and the dragsters from the first dream. there's like a battle of the bands going on because the two sides are competing with guitars and singing and such. then the room settles down and i'm sitting on the opposite side with a guy and a girl. she's all shakey and when i ask her what's up she says she dropped acid and is tripping. the guy turns to me and says "what an idiot." we're talking and laughing when the teacher comes to drop off tests, he's also got a thing of candy asking which of us three want it. she's tripping, and he's not looking so i raise my hand and get it. the teacher says "i suppose its going to the one who does the hardest work in here." the guy laughs and says to the teacher "i may be a lawyer, but i still love julie hall" gesturing to me.

then i'm woken up. any ideas on what it means?

taking my life into my own hands.

i've started my own business, quit my second job, and am focusing more. the talk with my mother about everything really put me into a mindset to conquer the world. i just have to shed anything that isn't helping me do that.